Dating is Hell

14 Oct 2014

What’s in a Name?

What is in a name? Well, if you are online dating, a screen name can reveal a lot about a person. It is difficult sometimes to pick a screen name, especially when you’ve already tried 3 different names and they are all already taken. I’ve been there myself. But you really need to be careful when you finally settle on one. There are many reasons why the name you chose might be the wrong one. Sometimes just the profile name alone will keep me from even looking at the profile itself! Let’s take a look at some examples.

Just what I’ve been looking for! A lonely stoner! This guy really sounds like a catch. 420? Yeah, that’s original. Pot heads just looooove it. Thanks for reminding me that what you are doing is illegal in most states. 69. Again, how original. Guys love to include the number 69 in their profile name. These guys are probably the same ones that would insult me on our date and punch me in the arm to show that they are interested. Moving on.

Is that supposed to be intriguing? Are you trying to be all mysterious? If you aren’t looking then why are you even on the dating site? And why is your profile listed as “actively seeking a relationship”? Ugh. Make up your mind! I hate guys who are indecisive. Well I’ve made up my mind that I’m definitely not looking for you. Oh, and there’s a “g” in looking, FYI.

Really??? Why are guys so obsessed with their penises???? That’s really TMI and I haven’t even looked at your profile yet. Can we at least keep some things a mystery? At least until after the first date?

This makes me think you have a third nipple. Sorry.

You’re Prince Charmin? Does that mean you are the heir to the Charmin toilet paper fortune? Cause that’s the only reason I’d go out with a guy who is a Tower of Silence. How boring would it be to just sit there in complete silence? Yeah, right. Anybody who knows me knows it wouldn’t be complete silence. But still, I’d rather have someone to talk with instead of someone to talk to.

No, but you know what is dead? People’s ability to spell. And proof read.

I “cincerely” hope you guys are joking.

Let’s forget for a moment that he actually misspelled handsomely. But can you really be handsomely hot? I feel like you can only be one or the other, no? Besides, I hate people who choose flattering descriptions of their looks. Shouldn’t it be me who decides that you are handsome or hot instead of being told that you are? Oh, who are we kidding? I can’t forget that he spelled it wrong.

Last but not least, this one just makes me giggle every time I see it. 😛

Posted in Profiles and tagged grammar, profiles, spelling | Leave a comment

12 Oct 2014

Satan? Is that you?

As you’ve no doubt gathered from my blog, there are quite the characters in online dating. Some of the profiles I’ll be sharing with you shortly feature some famous characters. ***DISCLAIMER*** If you are easily offended at religious humor, you might want to skip this one.

Who knew Satan was online dating? Well, if you have read my title page, it’s not a surprise. I knew. Yup.

There he is! At least he’s not using that tired old “Is it hot in here or is it just you?” line. This guy brings a whole new meaning to the term “soul mate”. But seriously Satan, it clearly says in my profile not to call me Izzy. I could have dealt with the soul sucking. But using a not approved nickname? That’s just evil.

Ah, a nice shot of your house. I bet if this winter is as bad as I think it’s going to be, I’m going to be messaging this guy just so I can get nice and toasty. Hell: a nice place to visit when your house is snowed in. I’ll send you all some postcards!

Even with the face blurred, I know exactly who this guy is. I mean, come on. The crown of thorns? The stigmata? The TOGA? Total give away, Jesus! Guess you just couldn’t let Satan get all the girls, huh? But hey, I might go out with this guy. I mean, he turns water into wine! That’s a cheap date right there! Although I think I’d get a little intimidated when it got to the “meet the parents” stage. God is super hard to impress.

Now this one throws me for a loop. You’ve got Osama Bin Laden as the Virgin Mary and then some random guy as baby Jesus. I’m got no words. Ok, I’ve got some words. They’re mostly: huuuuuuhhhhh??? and WTF. Who sees this picture on their feed and think “I want to date this guy”? I guess you can give him points for artistic creativity? I’m sure there’s an art gallery in some hipster part of Philly or New York with an exhibition that’s got nothing but pictures like this. And there’s a guy standing there next to this picture. He’s wearing a beret and glasses even though he’s got 20/20 vision. He’s explaining to this girl that he made this picture to depict his rebellion against the government. And cover ups. And Jesus. And of course, Big Brother. Yeah. I don’t want to date that guy. Or Satan. Or Jesus. Or the corpse of Osama Bin Laden. Or the Virgin Mary for that matter.

Posted in Profiles and tagged jesus, nicknames, profiles, satan | Leave a comment

02 Oct 2014

Fetishism – Part 3

I honestly didn’t think that I’d have 3 posts dedicated to fetishes, let alone have an entire category for it! Welcome to the world of online dating, ladies and gentleman! Let’s dive right in, shall we?

Hey! I’ve actually heard of this one!!! Although I did have to ask a friend what BDSM stood for a couple of years ago…
Is it sad that when I saw this it made me feel a little bit better because this fetish seems so much more “mainstream” to me? Needless to say, I was less creeped out by this guy than some of the others. And he listed “dom” as his profession. Think it’s actually his job?!?!?! Is there a big BDSM club out in Newark that I’m not aware of? Don’t answer that. Cause 99% of my readers are people I know and I DON’T want to know how you know the answer to that. No, seriously. Stop.

I don’t know if you’d classify this one as a fetish, per se. Young guys that are into cougars. I’m going to go with yes. Either way, I’m putting it in this post and in this category so now it’s totally a fetish. I now dub thee, “cougar fetish”! Again, this one wasn’t that creepy to me. Although it did piss me off. I’m friggin 34!!! I’m so not a cougar! Don’t you have to be at least 40 to be considered a cougar??? I get that I’m 14 years older than this dude, but I’M NOT A COUGAR DAMMIT! And if by some chance you are a member of the cougar chaser club and according to your rules I am a cougar, please don’t tell me. No, seriously. Stop.

Woo hoo! Another one I’ve heard of! I’m on a roll here. Ok, so 69 and threesomes. Not that crazy and out there. HOWEVER, he has this listed as his FIRST DATE! This guy doesn’t waste any time, does he? And what exactly is the first date etiquette for threesomes? Am I supposed to bring the other guy or is he? How embarrassing would it be if we both brought another guy. Awkward!

Ummm… thank you? I’m fairly certain that this guy uses this line frequently. I mean, it’s just too detailed to be something he just thought up while looking at my picture. I have a feeling he’s planned it all out. And he’s probably asked an ex-girlfriend or two to act this out for him. But you know why I would never respond to this guy? His profile name is urgratestfan. I hate people who use “ur” instead of “your”. And he misspelled greatest. Now THAT would be my fetish. A guy who can spell correctly! Sign me up for that club!

This guy probably isn’t into fetishes (although seeing the amount of people I find online that have fetish leanings would suggest otherwise) but his name just creeps me out. I really really really don’t get the whole “daddy” nickname thing. It’s so gross. The last thing I want to associate with someone I’m sexually attracted to is my father. I’m not against using nicknames in the bedroom. Just not that one. I knew someone who used to call her boyfriend “Pappa J”. Ewww. This isn’t the backwoods of the Appalachian region. Or wherever people have an Uncle Daddy and a Aunt Sister.

What’s up with that??? I get that pregnant women can still be attractive. I get that they can still have sex. But I figured they’d be having sex with the guy who impregnated them, not some random dude they just met! And is it just me or is it weird for a guy to be turned on by pregnant women in general and not just their partner who is pregnant with their child? Is there a name for this kind of fetish? I’m thinking if there is, it’s probably gross. So don’t tell me. No, seriously. Stop.

A little while back a friend of mine shared one of my fetish blogs on her Facebook page. Two friends mentioned Rule 34 of the Internet. Me being who I am, I had never heard of Rule 34 before. So a friend shared this cartoon with me:

This brought back a memory of a get together at a friend’s house. Actually it was the same night as “The Run In” (post #2) believe it or not. Somehow at one point during the night someone mentioned Pterodactyl porn. A bunch of us didn’t believe that it actually existed but thanks to the internet and smart phones, someone produced proof. Oh yes, there is Pterodactyl porn. But that’s not the weirdest part. The weirdest part was that my first thought was: “but humans and Pterodactyls weren’t even around at the same time!”. And that is pretty much the best example of how my brain works.

Posted in Fetishes and tagged fetishes, Rule 34 | Leave a comment

30 Sep 2014

2 Comments

Tossing Out a Neg

I love Big Bang Theory. I thoroughly enjoyed Wolowitz’ attempts to date/hook up with girls. Being a devotee of the show, I recognize a Wolowtiz dating tactic when I see one. In one episode, Wolowitz has a theory on dating that he calls “tossing out a neg”. Here is a clip for reference (ignore the Spanish subtitles and get past his explanation of the eyepatch:

So now that I have prepared you, here is a message that I received:

It didn’t work for Wolowitz, so it ain’t gonna work for you, pal! I’m sure The Big Bang Theory was not the first show to display this “neg” tactic. But were there any shows where they actually showed this as working? Do guys actually sit around and come up with tactics like these? And has anybody actually used this tactic in real life successfully? Maybe it works on really hot girls who only ever hear compliments. Well, guess what guy? You’re not the first to point out my big chin and you won’t be the last. So all I see here is an insult. And that does not turn me on. It’s like boys being mean to girls they like in elementary school. Or saying inappropriate stuff like “what’s your ass up to” or calling them names like “turd burglar”. Is it just me? Am I too sensitive? I guess I am contradicting myself here since I don’t like being called nice pet names or rude names either… Nah. I have a name, boys. Learn it. Use it.

Posted in Dating Etiquette and tagged Big Bang Theory, negative compliment

27 Sep 2014

Nicknames/Pet Names

First off, I have to admit that I was totally schooled the other day. Schooled in a very polite way, but schooled nonetheless. Turns out there is a “do no evil” in the series of “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil”. Well, damn. I should have Googled it. Now that’s some irony right there. But I’m willing to admit when I’m wrong as it happens so infrequently 😉 So thanks for pointing out my mistake, dear reader. And thank you for being so nice about it and not being a jerk. I still stand by the fact that it was a weird and creepy picture to have on your dating profile though!

Ok, now let’s get to the meat of this post. Nicknames and pet names. I have some rather stringent rules and beliefs when it comes to those two things. Personally, I abhor being called Izzy by anyone other than my sister and niece. I can’t explain why it sounds normal coming from them but wrong coming from anyone else. I pretty much go by Iz or Isabelle. I also dislike when strangers use pet names. I don’t mind when people I know and love do it. I frequently call my friends and coworkers “honey”. But total strangers? No. Here’s one of my absolutely least favorites:

Ugh. I hate being called sweetheart. It’s the absolute worst. It feels condescending to me. Like I should be a 40 some year old waitress working the late shift at a crappy diner and there’s a trucker asking for more coffee: “Can I get a refill, sweetheart?” Nope.

Unless I’ve finally achieved my dream of becoming a Disney Princess and living in Cinderella’s castle, don’t call me that. I’m definitely NOT the girl you are looking for.

No, no I cannot. And adding the “lol” doesn’t make it less creepy that you’ve given me 10 minutes to reply.

And again with the princess!!!! Yes, you did text me before and no I didn’t answer you. Get the hint! Blocked.

Now on to this other guy. I’ve gone on a couple of dates with him we’ve taken to calling him “Lunch Date”. He’s very nice and funny. The problem is that he is ALWAYS using nicknames and pet names. It’s partly my fault that he has continued in this vein since I never told him it bothered me. But I also didn’t realize how much he was going to use them! And once you haven’t objected to it, it’s hard to go back and object, you know? And how do you tell someone that what they think is being nice is actually not nice to you? Well, here’s a breakdown of them all:
1.) Lunch Buddy
2.) Pretty Girl
3.) Ms. Isabelle
4.) Sunshine
5.) Ms. Belle
6.) Pretty Lady
7.) Sexy
8.) Ms. Isabelle (again)
9.) Lady
10.) Ms. Belle (second time)
11.) Pretty Lady (#2)
12.) Cuteness (vomit)
and finally we have:

13.) turd burglar

WHAT?!?!?! How do we get from these sickeningly sweet pet names and nicknames to TURD BURGLAR???? I’ve never even heard of that before. I got that message while I was on my lunch break at work and I was pretty baffled as to how to reply. It was definitely a “what’s your ass up to” moment. I finally replied: “uh, what?” and he said “hahahaha turd burglar, it’s funny.” I came down from lunch and had to tell my coworkers. None of them knew what to make of it either. One of my co-workers Googled it (thanks again, Google!) and apparently it’s a person who interrupts you while you are pooping so that you can’t finish the job. Oh how romantic. What goes on in men’s brains??? At least we had a good time with it at work. We spent the rest of the day calling each other turd burglar. As to Lunch Date… I haven’t messaged him back yet. I have no idea what to say.

Posted in Dating Etiquette and tagged nicknames, pet names | Leave a comment

23 Sep 2014

2 Comments

Watch Out! Here comes the Grammar Police!

Anybody who knows me, knows that I’m a bit of a grammar Nazi. Ok, maybe a lot. One of the most cringe-worthy things about online dating (other than some creepy pictures and fetishes) is the spelling and grammar. I truly worry for the state of the future if this is a true reflection of the population. But I’m ok with breaking some grammar rules. I mean, I tend to use fragment sentences. All the time. And I start sentences with “and”. And “but”. And “because”. But, really??? You’re trying to make a good impression here. You couldn’t be bothered to spell check? Let’s take a look at some of these train wrecks, shall we?

First of all, that extra little “i” didn’t just stick out at you like a sore thumb? It just pops right out, like “Hey! I don’t belong here!” And why can’t people get the difference between your and you’re? YOU’RE 37, dude. You should have figured it out by now. Well, I definitely won’t “bothers” this guy. That’s for damn sure. Next.

Oh, dear. Where’d you get that GED from? A box of Cracker Jacks? I think you should demand a refund. Try Hooked on Phonics. It worked for me! Next.

How smart can this guy actually be if he misspelled “smarter”? You know what’s working smarter and not harder? Using spell check to find typos. Next.

Where shall I start? First of all, there’s this little thing called punctuation. You should use it. And hasn’t anybody ever told you that all caps means you’re yelling? No? Well, either way, it looks bad. I know that these days, using “was” instead of “were” like in the above “thought you was pretty” is acceptable. Well, it’s not. You may not bite gRreatguyy1111, but spelling and grammar like that makes me want to rip your throat out with my teeth. Next.

This guy’s headline is a little confusing. Are you a “good guy” who can’t spell or are you a very religious man? And what exactly are you looking for? A date? God? Next.

Here’s another religious guy! He’s got a god sense of humor! Does that mean striking people down? Sending plagues? Cause both those things are hilarious! This guy also never learned about punctuation. He also didn’t get the memo on capitalization. Maybe he got his GED from the same place as the guy from earlier. Oh, and the entering of random characters because you’re too lazy to fill out your profile to the minimum required? That’s hot. Next.

This one’s pretty confusing too. It seems like he just stuck in a bunch of random letters, but then he comes out with a fancy word like “drudgery”. Did that just happen by accident? Is this a case of just lucky auto correcting? I keep coming back to this one, thinking it must be a code of some kind. Where’s the guy from The DaVinci Code when you need him? Next.

Now, I feel a little bad about including this guy in this post. Clearly, English is not his first language. But if you want to be a writer, don’t you think you’d be a little bit more careful about what you write? Even in another language? Couldn’t you have someone who speaks it better than you help you out? Maybe I only put this picture on here because I have the sense of humor of an elementary school kid because I giggle every time I see “fanny” and “gaz” in this picture. 😛 Next.

If you’re going to use a quote on your profile to make yourself look smart, important or knowledgeable, you might want to make sure you have that quote correct. It’s called Google and Wikipedia. I have personally used this quote before: “He who stands for nothing will fall for anything.” I honestly never knew who said it. But guess what? I googled it! And discovered it was from Alexander Hamilton. And I also learned that Malcolm X also used that quote. BOOM. Mind blown. See what happens when you do a little research? Next and final.

Dude! You can’t just add an extra step! Seriously. WTF. Ugh!

Posted in Profiles and tagged grammar, spelling

20 Sep 2014

1 Comment

There’s Jokes and Then There’s…

One of the most common desired characteristics in a partner is a sense of humor. Or according to 90% of profiles on dating websites it is. Therefore, it makes sense that most people try to be funny in their profile. Or they try to put something funny as their headline to grab your attention. Obviously, that’s the point of the headline. Some people, however, fail miserably in the funny department. Take this fine fella:

Well it certainly caught my eye! There’s two ways to look at this. This guy thinks he’s a funny guy. He thinks “what can I use as a headline that would be original and would make people laugh?” Or maybe he thinks a woman would look at that and say “He likes boobies??? I have boobies!!! It’s like we’re soul mates!!!” The problem is, he’s trying to attract WOMEN. Not 8 year old boys. Or maybe he is trying to attract 8 year old boys. In which case, he’s going about it wrong. Or not. I can’t say for sure that there aren’t 8 year old boys on that website. Back to my point. You are 38. Grow up. Yes, women have breasts. Congratulations on figuring that out. You like breasts! Congrats on that too. Guess what? So do most guys. Or at least the straight ones. Most women spend their lives trying to show men that they are more than just a pair of boobs with legs. As a well endowed woman who grew boobs early, I know what that’s like. I’ve been trying to get guys to look up since I was 9. Seriously, even if you are trying to do it stealthily, we can still tell. At least wait until we aren’t having a face to face conversation. Ugh. But I digress. Sometimes the “I like boobies approach works”. I have a friend who met his current wife while drunk at a bar holding a sign that said just that. But I choose to think she just took pity on him. 😛

And then there’s the opposite of funny. Check out this guy:

Guess what genius? Date rape and roofies are NEVER funny topics. Especially on a dating site where women are already trying to sort the creeps from the nice guys. This guy actually sent me a message and I couldn’t help myself, I had to reply. I sent him a message that stated simply that date rape and roofies are not funny and that anybody who has ever been a victim of either would not appreciate being reminded of it in this way. I expected him to message me back telling me to lighten up and that it was just a joke but surprisingly enough, he replied with an apology and said he was changing his “First Date” section right away. He did change it. I checked. But really, people. I can’t believe he thought that was appropriate or even funny. There are a lot of things you can make fun of in this world. Rape and the perception of women as objects to be used is not one of them. The fact that a nail polish that detects roofies in drinks even needed to be created is very sad. I could go on and on about this topic, as it is one that I’m very passionate about but I think you guys have had enough with the heavy for one night.

Posted in Dating Etiquette and tagged rape culture, roofies

17 Sep 2014

Manners Matter

Frequently during the dating process I run into guys that seemed to have skipped kindergarten. It’s like they’ve never been taught manners or politeness or just plain old being nice! Sometimes you have to wonder if they think before speaking (or typing, for that matter). Although, I guess it’s a good thing that they don’t because then I know early on that I don’t want to continue to interact with them! Case in point: I’d been chatting with this guy for several weeks. We hadn’t met yet because he currently lives out of state but comes back to Wilmington once a month to see family. We were planning on getting together at some point during one of his visits. So during these weeks we’ve been chatting, getting to know each other and joking around a little. Then today he sends me this little gem:

I actually just sat there and stared at the screen for a minute, shocked. Now, had this been sent to me by a close friend, I wouldn’t have even batted an eyelid and would probably have texted back something equally obnoxious. The difference being that I know my friends, and that I know that they value me as a person. I don’t know this guy well enough for him to talk to me that way. I have a problem with guys treating me with disrespect. It’s one of my biggest issues. If I feel at all disrespected, I get super defensive. So I type exactly what I would have said had this happened in person:

I clearly state that I’m taken aback by his comment. And he thinks it’s funny. I start thinking to myself, well I wouldn’t care if a friend said that to me, so I explain to him that I think it’s something you’d say to a buddy. You’d think that if you were interested in someone and you wanted to pursue a relationship with that someone, you’d try to not be offensive.

He still thinks it’s funny but gives a half hearted apology. I had nothing to say to that, so I just ignored it for the time being. He obviously gives it some thought and messages me later saying he ‘DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING VULGAR OR INAPPROPRIATE’. Are you kidding me?!?!?! Would you use the word “ass” to your boss? Would you use it in front of your little nieces or nephews? Do you go around to people you just met and ask them what their ass is up to today?

Grocery Bagger: “How are you doing today?”
Him: “Not too bad. How’s your ass today?”
Grocery Bagger: “…”

At this point, I’m getting a little riled up (it’s not that hard to do, I know). So I tell him what’s up. Especially since he’s keeps LOLing like it’s no big deal.

You don’t see anything POSSIBLY wrong??? At all??? Seriously, not at all??? He couldn’t have said, “I’m sorry you took it as disrespectful but that wasn’t my intention.” Nope. Not this guy. So I wished him luck and sent him on his way. Looking back, I should have known we weren’t a good match. I mean, he had a camo hat on in one of his pics. No guy who wears camo has ever been a good match for me. But alas, hind-sight is 20/20. So dear readers, what has YOUR ass been up to?

Posted in Dating Etiquette and tagged etiquette, manners | Leave a comment

16 Sep 2014

Fetishism – Part 2

I didn’t think I’d actually have to have part two of this topic, but here we are. The first picture you are about to see is a message that was sent to a fellow traveler of the online dating pot-hole ridden highway.

Now, I LOL like crazy when I first read this. I mean, a disobedient avocado? That must be a joke. But the more I’m on these dating sites, the more I’m starting to think that this could actually be a serious message and a serious fetish. People who REALLY like vegetables. You couldn’t call them vegetarians, because that term is already taken. Using the term “veggies” would be like using the term “plushies” but I think that would cause way too much confusion. A guy could ask a girl if she likes veggies and next thing you know he gets slapped in the face and has no idea why. I’d do some research, but I’m actually terrified of what I might find. That and of someone finding “sex with vegetables” in my browser history.

Online dating has really been educational for me in this fetish realm. I get more messages about fetishes and get matched up with fetishists more than I ever dreamed I would. Hmmm… what does that say about me, do you think? Although, talking with other ladies who’ve done the online dating thing, I’m not the only one. So I choose to think I don’t have a “Fetishes Wanted” look about me. Anyway, next fetish please!

Yikes! How does that become a fetish? I can see the connection to oral fixation but I just don’t understand how any of that can be pleasurable. I HATE going to the dentist. I still go every 6 months like a good, responsible adult but I still HATE it. The buzzing, the vibration… Oh. Wait. I think I get it now. But there is still the scraping. And the prodding… Ok, I get it again. Or maybe people who are into the whole dentist scenario have never actually had to have major dental work because we’re talking serious pain here. Not like, smack me on the ass, stinging pain. Like, nerve pain shooting into my skull making me want to cry and vomit all at the same time. So what do we call these hot-for-dentist people then? Toothers? Teethies? I feel like I’m naming things that could have been gifts at the baby shower I attended yesterday. Oooh! How about “flossers”? Oh yeah. “Floss me, baby!!!”

Let’s see how many days/weeks/months it takes before I need to have “Fetishism – Part 3” posted…

Posted in Fetishes and tagged fetishes | Leave a comment

13 Sep 2014

Fetishism – is that a word?

We all know that there are fetishists out there. And honestly, I feel like if you aren’t hurting anybody then let your freak flag fly. It’s just not for me. So when I get messages from a fetishist, it makes me a little bit uncomfortable. Although I’m glad for the heads up. I’d much rather they start off with it right away than to get involved with a person only to find out later they are into stuff that is not in my wheelhouse. But aren’t there special websites for these things? Places they can go knowing they’ll find like minded folks? I feel like these poor guys are probably getting let down a lot. Or maybe I’m just being naive and there’s a lot more people into that stuff than I thought. And what about she-fetishists? (I totally made that word up too) Are there as many of those out there as he-fetishists? Are the ladies also sending out these messages on dating websites? Well my first brush with a fetishist wasn’t that bad:

A tame, innocent little message. But the screen name says it all. A foot fetish seems (at least to me) the tamest of most fetishes. However, feet gross me out. My own included. Once in college I was at a get together with some of my friends and some of their friends. I was sitting on a couch with my feet up next to me. Guy I just met that night says he likes feet and would I mind if he massaged my feet for me. I’d had a drink or two, so I thought: “Why not?” I told him to go ahead. About a minute later, while conversing with someone else, I feel something wet on my big toe. I look over and this guy has my toe in his mouth!!! Ok, no. I draw the line there. Especially with you, guy who I just met (and who’s name I don’t remember or who he knew at the party).

The next fetish message was a little bit stranger:

I understand that some people get pleasure from pain, but my mind automatically goes to the permanent damage that could potentially cause. What if you kicked so hard that they exploded or something??? Or you killed all the sperm swimming around in there??? Yikes. But I must admit that on days where I’m particularly annoyed with the male of the species, I feel like messaging this guy and accepting his offer. Repeatedly. And while I’m sure that most fetishists are harmless, this one creeps me out a little bit. Like after I kicked him, he’d ask if I wanted to see the scarf he had knitted or something and next thing I know, I’d wake up at the bottom of a well with a bottle of lotion. No thank you and good luck.