Dating is Hell

…and I've already heard Satan's pick up line

Archive for the tag “grammar”

Deal Breakers

In searching for a partner, everyone has deal breakers, whether or not they even realize it.  Some people won’t date a smoker, or really short people, or people with crooked teeth, etc.  After frequently being sent messages on dating sites by men that I would never date, I decided to be completely up front and list my deal breakers at the beginning of my profile.  Why waste their time as well as mine?  So here they are, as listed in my profile (I’ve given a brief description of each in blue.  That part is not in my profile).

1.) Religion. I’m an Atheist and I’m pretty serious about it. Some people are Atheists and enjoy friendly debates about religion or are fine with dating someone who is a religious person. I, however, am not one of those people. I don’t want to debate it with you. If you are religious and all about church, I’m not here to stop you! I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you.

2.) Conservative Republican. I’m a pretty liberal Democrat. We’re just not going to get along. This is kind of similar to the religion issue. I want to be with someone who believes in the same things as me. Besides, this is as much for them as for me. I know I’m making a generalization here, but I don’t think there are many conservative Republicans out there dying to date a girl with a bunch of tattoos, a bunch of piercings, who doesn’t want kids and supports Planned Parenthood and NOW.  

3.) Kids. I’m sure they’re awesome but no thank you. And then I recently had to add this: And no, your kids are not the exception. I don’t want children. I don’t want other people’s children. And it’s not because I just “haven’t met the right kids yet”. I’ve met plenty of cool kids. I just don’t want them making up my family unit.

Ok, so some people reading this would be like, “Ok, those are legit reasons” whereas others probably think “WTF is wrong with her?!?!” These deal breakers are in no way intended to make people feel bad about themselves or their beliefs. It is merely what I believe and I put it out there so that some Catholic Republican with 5 kids looking for a wife to provide him with 5 more can just move along to the next profile without wasting his time. I’ve gotten some messages that say “Cool!  I’m down with all that”, I’ve gotten some who obviously didn’t read these deal breakers and merely looked at my pics, and I’ve gotten some messages from people who feel personally insulted by them.  Let’s take a gander at some of the fun ones, shall we?

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Why yes, your daughter is a deal breaker. Did you think I was just writing random stuff? Why do you feel the need to change the mind of a perfect stranger? Wouldn’t it just be easier to find someone who does like kids? And yes, I do like redheads, but not enough to change my deal breakers.

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Why shouldn’t I be picky? I’m trying to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I’m not settling. And, why would you bother messaging someone to tell them you WOULDN’T get along? Just move on to the next profile. Geez!

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This is the profile of a guy who messaged me.  Please to note “the six things I could never do without”. Number 1: God. Deal breaker. Number 4: Faith. Isn’t that kind of like #1? No matter. Deal breaker. Number 5: My Kids. Seriously? Those are three things that I could never do WITH. Thank you, move along.

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Ok, fine. But I’m not looking for more friends. I’m not going to bother with replying.

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Wait, what? You’re just really trying for a response from me, aren’t you?

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I have serious doubts that you read or enjoyed my profile. If you had actually read my profile, as a father of two, you probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much.

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Dude. Are you just going around sending form letters to everyone on the app? You might want to keep track of who you already sent messages to. Just a suggestion.

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Oh, did I forget to mention that bad grammar and spelling is also a deal breaker?  😉

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What’s in a Name?

What is in a name?  Well, if you are online dating, a screen name can reveal a lot about a person.  It is difficult sometimes to pick a screen name, especially when you’ve already tried 3 different names and they are all already taken.  I’ve been there myself.  But you really need to be careful when you finally settle on one.  There are many reasons why the name you chose might be the wrong one.  Sometimes just the profile name alone will keep me from even looking at the profile itself! Let’s take a look at some examples.

stoner

Just what I’ve been looking for!  A lonely stoner!  This guy really sounds like a catch.  420?  Yeah, that’s original.  Pot heads just looooove it.  Thanks for reminding me that what you are doing is illegal in most states.  69.  Again, how original.  Guys love to include the number 69 in their profile name.  These guys are probably the same ones that would insult me on our date and punch me in the arm to show that they are interested.  Moving on.

maybe

Is that supposed to be intriguing?  Are you trying to be all mysterious?  If you aren’t looking then why are you even on the dating site?  And why is your profile listed as “actively seeking a relationship”?  Ugh.  Make up your mind!  I hate guys who are indecisive.  Well I’ve made up my mind that I’m definitely not looking for you.  Oh, and there’s a “g” in looking, FYI.

curved

Really???  Why are guys so obsessed with their penises????  That’s really TMI and I haven’t even looked at your profile yet.  Can we at least keep some things a mystery?  At least until after the first date?

nubbinz

This makes me think you have a third nipple.  Sorry.

charmin

You’re Prince Charmin?  Does that mean you are the heir to the Charmin toilet paper fortune?  Cause that’s the only reason I’d go out with a guy who is a Tower of Silence.  How boring would it be to just sit there in complete silence?  Yeah, right.  Anybody who knows me knows it wouldn’t be complete silence.  But still, I’d rather have someone to talk with instead of someone to talk to.

chivlary

No, but you know what is dead?  People’s ability to spell.  And proof read.

cincere 1 cinsere 2

I “cincerely” hope you guys are joking.

handsomly

Let’s forget for a moment that he actually misspelled handsomely.  But can you really be handsomely hot?  I feel like you can only be one or the other, no?  Besides, I hate people who choose flattering descriptions of their looks.  Shouldn’t it be me who decides that you are handsome or hot instead of being told that you are? Oh, who are we kidding?  I can’t forget that he spelled it wrong.

 luvpuddin

Last but not least, this one just makes me giggle every time I see it.  😛

Watch Out! Here comes the Grammar Police!

Anybody who knows me, knows that I’m a bit of a grammar Nazi.  Ok, maybe a lot.  One of the most cringe-worthy things about online dating (other than some creepy pictures and fetishes) is the spelling and grammar.  I truly worry for the state of the future if this is a true reflection of the population. But I’m ok with breaking some grammar rules.  I mean, I tend to use fragment sentences.  All the time.  And I start sentences with “and”.  And “but”.  And “because”.  But, really???  You’re trying to make a good impression here.  You couldn’t be bothered to spell check?  Let’s take a look at some of these train wrecks, shall we?

don't bothers

First of all, that extra little “i” didn’t just stick out at you like a sore thumb?  It just pops right out, like “Hey!  I don’t belong here!”  And why can’t people get the difference between your and you’re?  YOU’RE 37, dude.  You should have figured it out by now.  Well, I definitely won’t “bothers” this guy.  That’s for damn sure.  Next.

collage

Oh, dear.  Where’d you get that GED from?  A box of Cracker Jacks?  I think you should demand a refund.  Try Hooked on Phonics.  It worked for me!  Next.

smartre

How smart can this guy actually be if he misspelled “smarter”?  You know what’s working smarter and not harder?  Using spell check to find typos.  Next.

moring

Where shall I start?  First of all, there’s this little thing called punctuation.  You should use it.  And hasn’t anybody ever told you that all caps means you’re yelling?  No?  Well, either way, it looks bad.  I know that these days, using “was” instead of “were” like in the above “thought you was pretty” is acceptable.  Well, it’s not.  You may not bite gRreatguyy1111, but spelling and grammar like that makes me want to rip your throat out with my teeth.  Next.

god looking

This guy’s headline is a little confusing.  Are you a “good guy” who can’t spell or are you a very religious man?  And what exactly are you looking for?  A date?  God?  Next.

god sense

Here’s another religious guy!  He’s got a god sense of humor!  Does that mean striking people down?  Sending plagues?  Cause both those things are hilarious!  This guy also never learned about punctuation.  He also didn’t get the memo on capitalization.  Maybe he got his GED from the same place as the guy from earlier.  Oh, and the entering of random characters because you’re too lazy to fill out your profile to the minimum required?  That’s hot.  Next.

drudgery

This one’s pretty confusing too.  It seems like he just stuck in a bunch of random letters, but then he comes out with a fancy word like “drudgery”.  Did that just happen by accident?  Is this a case of just lucky auto correcting?  I keep coming back to this one, thinking it must be a code of some kind.  Where’s the guy from The DaVinci Code when you need him?  Next.

writer

Now, I feel a little bad about including this guy in this post.  Clearly, English is not his first language.  But if you want to be a writer, don’t you think you’d be a little bit more careful about what you write?  Even in another language?  Couldn’t you have someone who speaks it better than you help you out?  Maybe I only put this picture on here because I have the sense of humor of an elementary school kid because I giggle every time I see “fanny” and “gaz” in this picture.  😛  Next.

quote

If you’re going to use a quote on your profile to make yourself look smart, important or knowledgeable, you might want to make sure you have that quote correct.  It’s called Google and Wikipedia.  I have personally used this quote before: “He who stands for nothing will fall for anything.” I honestly never knew who said it.  But guess what?  I googled it!  And discovered it was from Alexander Hamilton.  And I also learned that Malcolm X also used that quote.  BOOM.  Mind blown. See what happens when you do a little research? Next and final.

evil

Dude!  You can’t just add an extra step!  Seriously.  WTF. Ugh!

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