Dating is Hell

…and I've already heard Satan's pick up line


This post isn’t about dating or even dating sites. This is about how #YesAllWomen have been harassed by men. Please note that the hashtag is NOT yes all men. Not every man out there has harassed a woman. But it’s sad to say that the story I’m about to share happens to women all the time. Especially online. Oh, and I’m not blacking out his handle because he deserves to be called out.

This happened on an app where you can post pics that you can modify to mimic a style of painting/art. I started getting notifications that this person was liking and commenting on a lot of my pictures. I go check it out and the first one seems innocent enough:

Ok, yeah, whatever. He means it as a compliment. Next one:

At this point I’m thinking “these pics are all modified using filters!” But, whatever. He can live in his little fantasy land. Next one starts getting a little much:

But “fuck” is my favorite word so I can’t be all hypocritical about him using it. This next one, I take offense to:

Really??? You can think it all you want, but it’s rude to post that. Keep thoughts like that to yourself! And then there’s more…

This one’s a little borderline. It probably wouldn’t have bothered me as much if it hadn’t just been preceded by the “perfect tits” comment.

Ok, context. This is was a comment on a pic I had initially taken for some of my Fellow tentacle loving Slack friends. Here it is for reference:

Yes, it is a little provocative and sexy. But dude, calm yourself a little, k? Oh, and if you for one second thought “you were asking for it”, you can just go take a long walk off a short pier.

Ok, guy. Notice the comment above you. That is an acceptable compliment. Your comment is disgusting and insulting. What makes you think you can post something like that to a complete stranger? One that you’ve never even interacted with?

WTF is wrong with you?!?!? Again, this is not a compliment!!! I don’t even know you. We have not initiated any sort of relationship or flirty banter in which this would be acceptable.

You’re a disgusting pig. And also 🤬🤬🤬

Wha….. how…. HOW IS THIS OK????

That was the last comment he posted. I shudder to think what his pic would have been of. Thankfully, I will never know. Because by the time I got to this comment and went to report him, his profile had already been deleted. I can only assume he was harassing multiple women he was “in love” with.

So there you go. This is how it is for ALL WOMEN. Guys, think twice before posting stuff like that. Unless it’s someone you know AND someone you know would appreciate being spoken to like that, just don’t. Keep it to yourself. No woman deserves to be treated like that (unless she’s specifically given you permission to treat her that way – no kink shaming here). So the moral of this story is: If you’re ever unsure about whether or not your comment will be taken as an insult, check with a female friend first or JUST DON’T POST IT.

Thanks! Signed,

All Women


To Reply or Not Reply

That is the question, folks!  If Hamlet was dating in the 21st century, he’d probably be pondering just that.  Today’s topic comes from a discussion I had with friends about not getting replies to messages on the dating apps, and the frustration that ensued.


Personally, it doesn’t really bother me if I don’t get a reply to a message.  If they’re not interested, they’re not interested.  They don’t owe me anything.  It bothered me at first, but after all these years (years?!?!  Ugh!) I’m pretty used to it.  For the most part, I don’t reply either.  I mean, some messages don’t even warrant a reply.  For example:

These guys can’t even put any effort into their messages.  One of them isn’t even a question or an opening remark, simply a statement: sexy.  Is this guy even interested in starting a conversation or going on a date or is he just telling me something?  I’m sorry, but I can’t be bothered with messages like this.  Besides, these messages make me think that they have not even read my profile, they just looked at my pictures.  And that’s just not enough for me.

Then sometimes the messages are just stupid or makes the guy sound like an idiot.  I know that’s a snap judgement, but again, I just don’t feel like putting in the time and effort to try to see if there is more to these guys:

what it do

There’s also the messages that are obviously pick up lines and they are just waiting for you to reply to drop it on you.  NO THANK YOU.


I know this guy just wants me to message back with “what hurt?” and he’ll reply with something super cheesy like “when I fell for you”.  Ugh. Up your game, dude.

Sometimes I think that I should just message people back right away with a “not interested” because some people just can’t take the hint.  They will just keep messaging you over and over again, usually with the same stuff until you finally break down and message them just to shut them the fuck up.


hi how are you doing.jpg

I’ve talked about this before: how the anonymity of the internet makes people think they can just say whatever they want, no matter how rude or inappropriate.  Maybe had I replied to this guy with a “not interested” it wouldn’t have escalated to this:


That definitely escalated quickly!  Was he expecting me to reply with “Thank you!!!  I was just waiting for you to say something about my breasts before replying!”  This is the internet for you! I’m pretty sure this guy doesn’t go around meeting new people in public going “Hi, how are you?  You have amazing breasts!”.  Or maybe he does.  I don’t know this guy.  But if he does do that in person, I hope women have punched him in the ball sack for it.

This next guy’s approach could be interpreted in two ways.  Let’s see what he wrote.


First thought, he’s a male with a fragile ego who can’t take rejection from a woman as having anything to do with him or his approach.  So he has to blame it on something else.  “This chick didn’t reply to me, she must not date black guys.”  That way he doesn’t have to look at himself too closely, like “maybe I should have messaged her with something about her profile or written more than just a good morning.”  Nope. It’s so much easier to put the blame on someone else.  My second thought is that he said that to get a response out of me by hoping that I would reply to prove him wrong.  Like I’m so scared that a stranger on the internet might think I’m racist, that I have to message him back to clarify it.  Well I know that I’m not racist, I don’t have to try to prove to a stranger that I’m not interested in that I’m not.  No matter why this guy messaged me that, I’m not replying.

Now sometimes when I’m feeling particularly snarky, I will reply to guys who have repeatedly messaged me:


But obviously this usually dissolves into immature insults.  So maybe I should stick to my “no reply” rule… 🤣

Spam Land

Spam is the reality of life with technology.  I’m sure after the first website was created on the internet, the first spam was quickly linked to it and sent a message to all the first users about how they can enlarge their penis at home or how to become rich quick.  You can’t have technology without someone abusing it for their benefit.  As soon as a newer, better spam detector is created, someone creates newer and better spam.  Ain’t life grand?

So I guess it was only a matter of time before people started abusing dating apps to spam people or to use it for something it was not made for.  As annoying as it’s been to have to go through profile after profile that suck and aren’t at all what I’m looking for, at least until this point these profiles were still for dating/hooking up which is what they were made for in the first place.  But just within the last week or so, I’ve seen profiles that are made to promote a business, not a person.  What’s worse, Bumble has a business setting!  If someone wants to look for a new job or for a specific business, they can just log out of the dating version and log onto the business version!  It’s that simple!  So why would people use the dating version to promote a business?  Just to bring more annoyingness into my life, I guess.  Let’s see who’s up first…


For fuck’s sakes!  If I wanted to find a new gym or fitness trainer, I’d go looking for one!  Although I did discuss this with one of my friends, and it could be a smart way to get more training clients/gym members.  Girls are on the dating site, see this guy’s hot body and go to the gym in hopes that he will meet them and fall in love with them and yadda yadda yadda.  Now this guy has more clients and more money coming in.  But I find that very deceitful.  This guy is probably married, or not even looking to date but luring women into his gym by preying on their desire for love.  Orrrrrrrrr… I’m reading way too much into this and this guy just thought it would be a good way to get more clients and he has no intention of duping anybody.  I mean, It doesn’t specifically say anywhere in the profile that he’s interested in dating.  BUT HE’S ON A DATING SITE!!!!!  And now he’s ruining it for everybody else. Ugh.  Moving on to the next guy.

holisticAgain, this is a DATING SITE!!!!  People are on here to find dates. Not to find a doctor or holistic health practitioner or whatever.  What I think makes this profile extra skeevy is that he’s just looking to “help” women.  Why just women?  Wouldn’t seeing both men and women double your client base?  Also, how does he make money if it’s free?  And how does it work remotely?!?!  I just can’t see what this guy’s angle is or what he’s actually offering, or what he wants.  I’m just super creeped out by the whole thing.  This one definitely screams SPAM.  If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought that I accidentally clicked on an ad in the corner of the screen and ended up there.  But I definitely didn’t.  It was a straight up dating profile.  Let’s look at #3 now.

country star

What the fuck, dude?  No, I don’t want your new single.  I AM single.  That’s why I’m on here, you jackass.  Also, the whole “my manager said this would be a good idea” is definitely not a turn on.  Like you can’t even date by yourself?  You need your manager to tell you what to do?  His manager probably wrote that profile!  In which case, he needs a new manager that actually has good grammar and punctuation.  And no, I did not black out this guy’s name because he just sounds like a straight up douche.  At least the other two seemed like small business owners just trying to expand their business without having to pay for advertising (now, that business may or may not include kidnapping and other nefarious things but I digress).  This guy has a fucking record company!!!  If they can’t get you more fans in any other way than spamming a dating app, you should also get a new record label to represent you while you’re getting a new manager.

There you have it, folks.  A whole new circle of hell for dating: spam dating profiles.  As if dating wasn’t sucky enough; now you get spammed too.


P.S. Spamming isn’t the name of a fetish too, is it?  Cause if it is, that last sentence takes on a whole new meaning…

Prince Not-So-Charming

Taking the advice of friends, I decided to jump back into the dating apps after my latest dating disappointment.  If I found one “good guy” whom I connected with on a dating app, it stands to reason that there are others out there, right?  If there is, it’s going to take a lot of sorting through a lot of crap to find him.  Let’s get started, shall we?

Now, if you ever find yourself feeling too good about yourself, might I suggest putting a profile on a dating app?  Endlessly swiping right and getting little to no matches does wonderful things for your ego.  I mean, if you’re not drop dead gorgeous that is.  I’m sure those ladies do a lot less swiping and get a lot more matches.  Or actually, they probably aren’t on the apps to begin with, right?  Well, us lesser mortals get to go online to find that none of the attractive people have matched with us.  Yay.  Good times.  Or, if your ego is still a little too prominent, there’s always the unsolicited insults and “constructive criticism” of open messaging apps like OkCupid and POF:


Thanks for the compliment! But also, go fuck yourself.  And then there’s nothing quite logging in to find a message like this waiting for you:


Although I’m a little disappointed by how short this message was compared to some of the other insults I’ve gotten in the past.  But hey, at least they are showing me their true colors.  Because you can’t really judge a person by their profile description.  For example, that lovely message from above came from this guy:

full profile no edit.png

Did you catch that?  Let me point out the most pertinent info:

full profile

That’s right, folks!  The asshole that sent me the “moron” message is a kind, friendly, nice all around guy.  He also happens to be a gentle, compassionate person who enjoys the simple things life has to offer with no head games.  Obviously.  Also to show how serious he is about this whole dating thing, his profile includes just this one awesome picture:


AND we’re a 74% match?!?!?  Winner, winner, chicken dinner!  Let’s do this!!!!  Although, thinking about it, I would much rather have a guy message me two words, followed by two question marks, and then get angry at me and name calling when I don’t respond:

rude and disrespectful

I’m rude and disrespectful?  I gave your message the same amount of time and consideration you gave when you messaged me TWO WHOLE WORDS that didn’t even have a context.  Do I really need to go over the whole “I don’t owe you anything” speech again?  (In case you missed it, please go to the post titled “Let’s Get Serious).

So yes, getting dumped was not fun.  I was and still am, hurt.  And also yes, I have a whole blog dedicated to the hellishness that is online dating.  I do, however, try to be a little more positive about it on my profiles.  I don’t want to seem as if I’ve lost all hope of ever finding a partner, soul mate, roommate, bill sharer, heavy lifter, missing member of my family’s band.  Who gets turned on by negative Nancies anyway?  Obviously the following gentlemen did not get the memo:

bag on your head

Ok, I like that you used a simile here.  That’s nice.  At least he didn’t specifically come out and insult all women, like the following gentlemen.  Maybe they are just going with some reverse psychology.  Instead of saying nice things, they say super rude things! That’ll make those replies flood in!


I did not know that Trump was on a dating site!  That’s exciting!


Those are my only two options???  I’m pretty sure there’s a third status that you neglected to list…

• hoe

• wife

√ not dating you

Guess I’m off the fence now, buddy.  Also, it’s “your”, “you”, and “there”.  If you’re going to be insulting, you might as well be grammatically accurate.


There’s just something about a guy calling a woman a cunt… I really just want to date this bitter, bitter man.  I’m sure he’s very respectful and loving.  P.S. anybody else find it a little ironic that this guy Stands with Planned Parenthood?  Maybe he thought the PP stood for Pretty Pussies.  Or Perky Pussies.  He definitely thought one of those Ps stood for pussy.

For the equal opportunity haters, we’ve got the men who hate the opposite sex AND their own sex:


I… just… there are no words.  Let’s move on to the next dating strategy.  The “prove me wrong” type.  I’m not going to lie.  I’ve absolutely thought similar things about guys.  I might have even tweeted similar things.  But a dating profile is not where you should be putting these thoughts.  It does not get you dates.

good men

negative nancy

Although, he does have a point about the entrepreneur thing.  Up until they changed their settings so you could write in your own profession, 90% of profiles I saw had that listed as their occupation.  It made me think of Shark Tank every time.  And then I’d try to decide what particular thing that individual would be pitching to the sharks.  It didn’t help with my dating, but it sure made it a little more interesting to look through these profiles.


You get the picture.  And I get how exhausting the whole dating profile is.  I’ve changed mine a million times.  How do you accurately describe yourself?  How do you accurately describe the person you’re looking for?  Nobody likes filling out those things.  But for fuck’s sakes, put in a little effort.

hate these sites

Yeah, I get it.  Do something constructive with your hate though, dude.  Like write a blog or something. 😉  Now this next guy gives a whole new meaning to having a blah profile.


Now this next guy put some effort into his profile.  He’s even got multiple pictures, and a profile title and……


Excuse me while I go vomit….

Bumble Fucked

Hold on tight folks.  Grab yourself a refreshment, take a potty break now because it’s gonna be a long one.  Any relatives reading this, if you don’t want to hear about some sexy time stuff (I’ll keep it vague, I promise), you might want to skip this one.  Ok, everybody ready?  Here we go….

Wow, it’s been a while!  The reason behind this lack of posts is that I took a little break from dating.  I wanted to work on myself and try to figure out how I could break the cycle of my dating assholes who treat me like shit and nice guys who I push away.  I did goof around on the dating apps to see what was out there and see what kind of matches I was getting but I wasn’t really doing anything about them.  My job kept me pretty busy so it wasn’t like I had a lot of time to devote to dating any way.  Recently I decided to put a little bit more effort into it and spending more time on Bumble.  I like Bumble the best out of the other apps but the one thing that is tricky is that you don’t get much room to write stuff about yourself.  So sometimes it’s hard to know if potential matches fit my criteria.  Which is how I started talking to MJ.  Those of you who’ve read previous posts know that I am not a kid person.  So I probably would have swiped left on his profile had he written on there that he had kids.  But he didn’t and he apparently didn’t read my profile very closely that said no kids, so we matched and I messaged him.  Right off the bat I could tell he had my kind of sense of humor.  He was witty and even a little snarky.  After one or two back and forths, I guess he went back and read my profile again and he told me he had kids and that that was probably a deal breaker.  And then the strangest thing happened…. I didn’t care!  For some reason I just had this feeling about him.  I wanted to keep talking to him.  Maybe it was because his kids were older (12 and 16), or maybe it was because of his ability to keep up with my wise cracks but I decided not to write him off.  We chatted for 3 days on the app before I asked him out.  We decided on a nice, non threatening Starbucks date for the next day.  It went really well.  We chatted and laughed for about 3 hours before I called it a night.  Right after that I gave him my cell phone number and we texted pretty much every day.  There was some flirting and he said some really sweet things that made me think he was very into me.  I asked him out a second time, and invited him to go to yoga with me and then brunch.  I was actually a little surprised when he said yes since he’d never done it before!  And not only that, he braved Black Friday weekend shoppers to go buy a pair of sweat pants since he didn’t have anything appropriate to wear!  I’m thinking “now this is a guy who’s into me.  Why else would he put in that kind of effort?”.  Yoga and brunch came and went and we had a great time.  More texting.  More flirting.  Him actually asking important questions about my life and also seeming to retain my answers.  We decide to go to dinner for our next date. He chooses to go eat sushi.  I LOVE SUSHI.  “Look at how many things we have in common?”, I’m thinking at this point.  Sushi date lasts 2.5 hours and mostly ends because the restaurant is getting ready to close and we’re getting some looks from the staff.  A couple of goodnight kisses at the end made me a little giddy.  We continued to text every day, a little more intensive flirting, a little more risqué as well.  We even talked about his sons a little bit and it didn’t scare me away.  He talked about wanting to do more yoga, so I invited him to another class and he accepted.  I was feeling very comfortable with him.  So much so that I actually invited him to my house for date #4, which was to take place before the next yoga class.  I’ve never had a date come to my house that early on in the dating process, unless we were already friends before we started dating.  The plan was to watch Christmas Vacation and I warned him that my dogs would probably want some attention and I wanted to make sure that it was ok that we were having movie night at my place.  His response?


Awwwwww!  He gets me!!!!  So he came over, we watched the movie and ate pizza.  He petted my dogs and they all got along.  I won’t go into details but there was some making out.  More giddiness ensued.  More texting, more flirting, more risqué-ing.  Two days after the dinner and 4 days before the scheduled yoga date, I asked him if he would be able to hang out afterwards to which he replied, “I can chill afterwards, my day is wide open”.  We texted some more and he was talking about going to his weekly poker game that night.  I made mention of… something… and he replied that he would be playing poker “completely distracted all night long.”  Things are going well.  I’m in the “honeymoon” phase at the start of a relationship.  When everything seems good, you’re happy, excited, can’t wait to see them again.  He gets home from poker, tells me he lost but still had a good time.  We say good night and I go to work the next day.  I text him something random on my lunch break but don’t hear anything back.  No biggie.  I only get a half hour break, I didn’t really expect him to reply during that short window.  As I’m leaving for work several hours later, I see that I got a text from him earlier:


Wait… what?!?!  How did we go from “sexting” (not super graphic, but still) to dumping?  I am caught completely off guard.  This felt like it came completely out of the blue.  I get that it was early on in the relationship and we didn’t say that we were exclusive, but it still came as a shock.  Things had felt very different with him.  Historically I have dated/hooked up with either guys that treated me like shit and made me beg for their attention or really nice guys that I didn’t feel very comfortable with and would push away.  This was the first time I had dated a nice guy, whom I felt comfortable with, who I didn’t have to beg for attention or savor the scraps they threw me of themselves.  I texted him back a little while later telling him that it would have been a lie if I said I wasn’t hurt and disappointed.  There was a little back and forth of non important whatevers and that was that.  It was over.  But now comes all the questions….

How did he even have time to date this other person?  Is he just that good of a multi-tasker?  Between his job and our very frequent texting, it seemed to me like he shouldn’t even have had time to date/chat with someone else.  Next thought, if he’s “obviously attracted to me”, I’m fun to hang out with, I have a great sense of humor, and I’m one of the coolest new people he’s hung out with in a long time, why is he choosing her over me?  Who is this chick?  Kendall Fucking Jenner? (Although let’s be honest, I have a way better personality than that bitch).  So maybe it’s because I didn’t have sex with him during the movie night.  Maybe he’s not as nice as I thought he was and wasn’t all about having a connection with someone and he just cared about the boning and the other girl puts out.  Or maybe the reason my house was “not only ok, but preferable” wasn’t because he wanted to meet my dogs but because he didn’t want me at his house because he already has a live in girl friend.  Or maybe it’s none of those things.  Maybe he was just lying and he lost interest.  Maybe there is no other girl and he just wanted to let me down easy in the old tradition of “it’s not you, it’s me”.

I guess we’ll never know.  But I miss having someone to text and flirt with and the thought of going back on Bumble or any of the other dating sites just depresses the fuck out of me.

Prime Time

Age is just a number, right? In the dating world, that's not really true. Or at least in my world it's not! Dating in your 20s is much different than dating in your mid to late 30s. Back in my 20s, dating was a little more fun and carefree. Did I care what he did for a living? Nope. Did I care whether or not he wanted children? Absolutely not. Did I need to know his last name? Well maybe… but not necessarily. Now it's all about: does he have a good job? Does he want children? Does he still live with roommates or <gasp> his parents?

Back in my 20s there was the false confidence of makeup, tight outfits, high heels, and alcohol. That's now been replaced with the true fears of getting older, thinking I'm no longer in my prime, my body no longer fitting into tight outfits, and no longer being able to hold my liquor. I don't even really know when all that changed. Actually, it probably changed around the time my friends started getting married. There were fewer and fewer trips to bars and clubs where all you did was exchange numbers with a hot guy and more and more of dating websites where you had to fill out a checklist of what you want. Not to mention all the birthdays that have passed since I was in the bar scene. It's "grown up" dating now. I feel like I have to know more about my potential date, more about the kids thing, and what job they have, and what their living situation is because at this age, I don't want to waste my time or someone else's. But when I see the profile of a cute guy that has similar interests but it also says "looking to settle down and start a family", I'm automatically swiping left. Then a little voice in my head scolds me because isn't that the whole point of dating? But why, exactly? Do I even want to get married? A wedding? Hell yes. A marriage? Hmmm…. maybe not. The thing with being a chronically single person is that you get used to your independence and being "selfish". Do I want to share half of my closet with someone? Not really. Do I want to share a bed with someone who moves around a lot, steals the blankets, and snores? Honestly? No. Do I want someone making noise when I want some quiet time? I'll fucking cut you. Do I want someone to have dinner ready for me when I get home after working 12-14 hours? Abso-fucking-lutely. So maybe I want a personal chef more than a husband. But then again… Do I want to have the fuzzy-butterflies in the stomach-can't stop smiling-true love? Sigh. Yeeeeaaaahhhh. I've read too many trashy romances and watched too many sappy romantic movies to not want it.

So I have a little voice in my mind telling me I shouldn't still be single. So what? Well there's also pressure from friends and family. Not totally on purpose pressure, but pressure nonetheless. When you're single in your 20s you're: having fun! Not ready to settle down! Playing the field! When you're single in your late 30s you are: dating a married man! Too picky! An old maid! A lesbian! THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD WHO IS STILL SINGLE! Some people might never have thought these things about me but others definitely have. I'm going to take a few minutes to address these:

  • Dating a married man: just because you haven't heard me talking about a boyfriend or dating in general does not mean I'm dating a married man and thus cannot discuss it. There's either nothing to discuss or I just don't feel like discussing it.
  • Too picky: it's possible. But I'm not giving up my independence for anything less than perfection and true love!!! (Audience groans). Ok, ok. How about imperfections I can live with and love that I think will last? Is that better?
  • An old maid: I did have a whole Twitter thread with myself about how if we were in the olden days when an old maid was actually a thing, I'd be rocking it.

Truth be told, being an old maid and not having the right to vote and getting polio or the plague and being stuck in the 1800s is actually NOT better than going to a wedding sans date. The wedding in question was beautiful, the food was good, and the music was perfect. Oh, and my table totally won the dance off . Now where was I? Oh yes…

  • A lesbian: seeing as how you are born gay, why is it that people only think I'm a lesbian when I'm getting a little long in the tooth but am still single? It's kind of insulting to the lesbians, don't you think? You're making it seem like only lesbians are old and unmarried. Seeing as how I know a bunch of lesbians and most of them are married, I think it's safe to say that "being single" doesn't equal "being gay". And I'd like to think that if I was gay, I'd be out and proud by now.
  • THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD WHO IS SINGLE: Oh yeah. I feel this one a lot. Did you happen to catch the part in my Twitter old maid rant that my youngest cousin just got married? And that's my mom's side of the family. On my dad's side, my youngest cousin has been married for years. I also recently went to a BBQ at my best friend's house and I was literally the only single adult person there. LITERALLY. So yeah, even though I know this is far from the truth, I still feel alone being single when all my friends are married.

What conclusion can we come to? Am I ok with being alone for the rest of my life? Sometimes. Do I desperately want to get married? Sometimes. But sometimes I feel like I'm still in my prime, my biological clock is non-existent (thank god), and it's ok if I have no idea what I want. I'll figure it out eventually… or not.

What Makes A Woman Beautiful?

I’m going to pick on a friend right now (sorry if you’re reading this, dude). Said friend went to Europe and this is what he posted when he got back:

And that kinda pissed me off, reading this while wearing no makeup except for whatever mascara had managed to last my 13+ hour day, in my dirty scrubs, and in my sneakers that still had some blood on them from earlier that day that I couldn’t clean off.  Yes, I understand that this is work attire and not what he was referring to. But you know what? After 12 years of wearing scrubs, sneakers, and barely any make up, I feel bad for the women who have to get dressed up for work. Dressy clothes can be so uncomfortable. Thankfully, my clients really don’t care if I’m wearing make up and have my hair done when I’m performing CPR on their pet. Also, I’ve gotten to the point that the last thing I want to do when I’m not at work is to wear anything constricting. My body is just not used to it anymore! Let’s break this down:

1.) Heels. Quoting one of my favorite movies “She’s the Man”:

Well? Have you tried running in heels, guys? Just walking and standing in them can be problematic. Twice a year I attend a conference to represent my hospital. I get dressed up and put makeup on because that’s what people expect. But after a few years I gave up on the heels. It’s just not worth it! I’m not going to hurt myself to fit what society has deemed “professional” or “attractive”. Have any of you gentlemen ever been told “beauty is pain”? Not jokingly, but seriously like a parent, or friend telling you to stop whining about the pain you’re in because it’ll all be worth it when you’re “beautiful”? This is what women are taught, basically from birth. I’m not even going to bother giving you the numbers on how many doctors have warned about the negative effects of wearing heels on our feet and backs because can google it yourself. Go for it. I’ll wait.

2.) Hair. I’ve heard it and read it a million times: guys like girls with long hair. Well guess what? I like myself better with short hair! But everybody thinks they need to tell me that they prefer my hair long. Family, hair stylists, and even perfect strangers: 

I love unsolicited advice about my looks! Did I ask for your opinion? Nope. When a hair stylist tries to convince me to leave my hair long… uh, did I ask for your recommendation? Nope. Btw, I’d just like to say that I’m getting my hair done as we speak with my amazing stylist (hey girl!) who supports me in my decision to go short without trying to talk me out of it. Because it’s MY hair. And it’s what I like. So what if “most” guys like long hair? There’s some out there who like it! You know how I know? I know women who have – get this – met men, dated them, and married them, all while having short hair!!!! AMAZING!!! Besides, I already have to get up at 5:30am to get to work. There’s now way I’m getting up any earlier to mess with my hair. Fuck that, I like my sleep.

3.) Make up. I’m not going to lie. Doing elaborate makeup can be fun. I myself enjoy doing it for special occasions or if I’m in the mood. I used to do it all the time when I was younger. I did it because it was fun but also because I felt like I needed to do it to attract guys. Now that I’m older, I just don’t feel like all the fuss is worth it. Guys are always complaining about how long it takes women to get ready. Well it’s society’s fault! You’ve convinced us that we can’t leave the house without a face full of makeup! Do you know how long that takes??? And the upkeep to make sure it still looks good by the end of the day??? And the specials potions and cloths we have to buy to take it all off at the end of the night??? Life is too short to spend it in the bathroom “getting ready”. I’m not saying people who wear makeup every day are doing anything wrong. You want to do it? Do it! You like how you look wearing it? Great! What pisses me off is that women are EXPECTED to wear it, and they are told that their natural self, that they have been born with, is not beautiful. Even my 4 year old niece has been brainwashed. She plays with fake “makeup” and pretends to put it on. She watches TV shows with girls wearing a ton of makeup (CARTOON girls for god sakes). How does that not mess with your head?

4.) Clothes. Girls, wear what you want. I want to emphasize the YOU in that sentence. I like looking at beautiful dresses but I hate wearing them. It limits the ways you can sit. Plus, I’ve got two words for you: chub rub. You can google that too. Now, the most important factor that I use to choose my clothes is comfort. Like leggings. Hello comfort!!!! And you can get them in crazy patterns. I’m obsessed with them. I wish I could wear them all the time. It might just be because I’m older but I just don’t want to wear uncomfortable clothes that are more “attractive”.  

Unfortunately you can’t always fight society. Tonight I’m going to a fancy restaurant with my family for my mom’s birthday. I’m already exhausted at the idea of putting on make up and fancy clothes. But I have to because otherwise it will seem rude. Because you can’t wear leggings or jeans to a fancy restaurant. And you can’t wear pj pants for your mom’s birthday dinner. Why not? Because society tells us so.

“…of course, in every dragon myth half the problem is the princess.” Sarah Dunant 

I will admit that this blog is very one sided. Reading it, you might think that the majority of guys suck. A lot of them do, I’m not denying that, but like they say, it takes two to tango. My single status is just as much my fault as it is the guy’s fault. I am far from perfect. I’m extremely independent. I can be a little too intense. I’m a know-it-all. And last but certainly not least: I suffer from verbal diarrhea when I’m nervous. For the first time, I will be sharing a dating story where I’m the one who put the hell in “Dating is Hell”. 

I matched with a guy on Bumble. We had some great conversations and he was able to keep up with my witty banter. He was pretty much perfect for me, at least on paper. He was a liberal, atheist, vegetarian who didn’t want kids. He wasn’t bothered by the fact that I wore an arm sling on our first date and that I had to order food that could be eaten using only one hand (it’s a long story). 

Our first two dates went well. Our third date was a little while coming due to my being out of the country, my insane work schedule, and his commitments to friends/family. We finally had a time when we were both free: Saturday from 11am-1pm. I suggested that we take our dogs for a hike. Oh, did I not mention he had a dog? Check that item off the “perfect boyfriend” list. That morning, after working 53 hours in 5 days, I woke up with a sore throat. I would be damned if I was to cancel this date! So I went anyway. When we met at the trail head, I told him I wasn’t going to hug him because I was coming down with a cold. So date three and there was to be no touching? He didn’t seem disappointed in any way but I’m sure he wasn’t thrilled to know that I was A.) most likely not going to hug/kiss him and B.) germ infested.

In any case, we start the hike in good spirits. There were quite a few mosquitoes out and we were talking about how we would have to check for ticks after the walk. I asked him if his dog was on flea and tick preventatives year round. He says no, that she’s only on them during the summer. There’s an alarm going off in my brain. My inner voice says: don’t do it! Don’t lecture him about flea and tick preventatives! That’s a sure-fire way to annoy someone. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I only had his dog’s best interest in mind though! She was just so cute and I didn’t want her to get a tick borne disease!!! So it happened. The verbal diarrhea. The word vomit. I told him all about the tick life cycle and the diseases they transmit and why his dog needs to be on preventatives year-round. Basically the only person who could be turned on by this would be my flea and tick preventatives rep (hey girl!). 

“Ok,” I tell myself. “It’s over and done with. Let’s just move on.” But no. It’s not. He brings up heartworm preventatives. “She’s not on that year round either???” Oh boy. Here comes another bout of diarrhea. One of the dogs I adopted turned out to be positive for heartworms. The treatment is expensive and super painful. It broke my heart to see my usually hyperactive and friendly dog hunker down in the back of a cage in pain. So cue up the slides, we’re on to lecture #2! Maybe I should hire someone to follow me around on dates and slap me in the face when I start doing this crap!

Moving right along… we are on a trail called “Hidden Pond”. At this point we had been walking for a while and had yet to see any signs of a pond. And then we hear it: “I hear a frog, we must be getting close!” He says “yeah, that was either a frog or a goose.” “DON’T DO IT!!!!” yells the little voice in my head. “KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!!! And do I? Of course not. Verbal diarrhea can be like actual diarrhea: sometimes you just can’t keep it in. “Actually, that is a frog, not a goose. I took herpetology in college.” 🤦🏻‍♀️ Oh yeah. I did it. I went there. 

Awesome. Just awesome. At this point it’s pretty hot out and we’re sweating. I’m starting to think the whole “hidden pond” thing is a lie. The state park people have hidden speakers that play frog sounds to make you think you’re getting close but in reality there is no pond. Kind of like my dating skills. They do not exist.

The trail is narrow most of the way so we can’t walk side by side. There are frequent moments of silence. My mouth cannot abide that. It feels like I was put on this earth to kill all moments of silence. I MUST KILL THE SILENCE (unless we’re watching a movie, in which case, quit your yapping before I cut you). So really it’s not my fault. It’s my destiny. You can’t fight destiny. 

Honestly, I don’t remember most of the stuff I yammered on about. All I can remember is sweating my ass off and being unable to stop talking. The more I talked, the more nervous I got, so the more I talked. It’s a vicious cycle indeed.

Back at our cars at the end of our hike (the pond was never found, by the way) we each give our dogs water to drink and we stand in silence. Ugh! What to do now?!?! The phlegm from my burgeoning cold has increased so I can’t even go in for a hug to bring this disaster to an end. I might not even have done that were I healthy because of the sweat. I pet his dog and talk to her. He remains silent. There’s literally crickets. I decide to just put myself out of my misery and say my goodbyes. 

So far, we’ve continued to text here and there. To say that the conversations have been lackluster is an understatement. He doesn’t seem like he’s dying to see me again, and I can’t say I blame him. Cue the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Play it on repeat. 

So maybe the moral of this tale is that I just need to find the Imodium to my verbal diarrhea. I think I’ll include that in my dating profile… just kidding. Maybe. 

If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say…

I’ve seen it all, folks. And then I saw it a few more times. Now, it really baffles me why people feel the need to go out of their way to be mean or insult a perfect stranger. Do they get their kicks from it? Does it make them feel better about themselves? Are they just doing it to get a rise out of a person for the sole purpose of FINALLY getting someone to respond to a message? Because they can’t possibly be the type of person people are drawn to, right?  So here’s another wonderfully insulting message I received:

My choice to wear a nose ring is exactly that. MY CHOICE. I don’t care if you think I look ridiculous. I like it. Just like the clothes I wear. Or my tattoos.

Speaking of my tattoos, I’m going to go on a little tangent here. I just love it when people (including family members) say they don’t like my tattoos. I didn’t get my tattoos for them. The only difference between my nose ring or my clothes is that they are permanent representations of things that I love or things that mean something special/important to me. So thanks for insulting me, basically.
So anyway, back to the topic at hand. Dating in this day and age is way more hard on the ego than it used to be. The anonymity of the Internet lets people be complete assholes without any repercussions. Would this guy have walked up to me on the street and said the same thing? Of course not. Although I wish he had that way I could have slapped him in the face. But instead he chooses the safety of his computer to insult me. So not only do I have to deal with guys not replying to my messages, bad dates, and rejection, I get insulted. Good times, huh?

New App, Same “Dicks”

Sorry I haven’t blogged for a while. My “vintage” laptop died and it’s a pain in the ass to blog on my phone. But I still have a lot of stories! So without further ado… 

I recently signed up for a new dating app, named Bumble. I thought the premise was pretty smart. You look at profiles and you either swipe right for yes and left for no. If both people swipe right, you get a notification but only the girl can start messaging (at least in the hetero version). So you can’t see who likes you before you like them back but you also can’t get a bunch of creepy messages from random guys you’re not interested in. But also you only have 24 hours to message them before they go away. At least this is how the free version works. Anyway, last night I got a mutual match and sent him an email. Here’s the conversation:

Honestly, that was the first time I’ve gotten that reaction. I hate my smile so I’m usually smirking in all my pics. 

When you picture a sweet and innocent person, does that person have multiple piercings including a nose ring and multiple tattoos? I didn’t think so. But whatever, dude. I ask him about himself and he says that it would be boring. Thinking he’s talking about himself I’m a little confused and ask him what he means. 

Ok. I’ve been down this road before. Either he’s insulting me, which if you’ve read any of my other blog entries you’ll know it’s not a rare occurrence, or he’s trying to goad me into “proving” that I’m not innocent. Which in guy speak means “show me your tits”.

So far he hasn’t been too much of an ass so I decide to be a little flirty. And then:

There it is! Doesn’t take long for some guys to bring their penises into the conversation. Ugh. I am not looking for a quick hook up. You know what they say, honesty is the best policy. Since he’s been so honest with me, the least I can do is be honest with him. 

Crickets. More crickets. Cut away to the guy complaining about how much feminists suck and how I’m probably a cold prude and yadda yadda yadda.

Ok, bye now.

He might have been a dick but at least he didn’t send me a picture of his dick. That’s a nice change. 

Bumble = 👎🏻

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