Dating is Hell

…and I've already heard Satan's pick up line

Archive for the tag “etiquette”

What Makes A Woman Beautiful?

I’m going to pick on a friend right now (sorry if you’re reading this, dude). Said friend went to Europe and this is what he posted when he got back:

And that kinda pissed me off, reading this while wearing no makeup except for whatever mascara had managed to last my 13+ hour day, in my dirty scrubs, and in my sneakers that still had some blood on them from earlier that day that I couldn’t clean off.  Yes, I understand that this is work attire and not what he was referring to. But you know what? After 12 years of wearing scrubs, sneakers, and barely any make up, I feel bad for the women who have to get dressed up for work. Dressy clothes can be so uncomfortable. Thankfully, my clients really don’t care if I’m wearing make up and have my hair done when I’m performing CPR on their pet. Also, I’ve gotten to the point that the last thing I want to do when I’m not at work is to wear anything constricting. My body is just not used to it anymore! Let’s break this down:

1.) Heels. Quoting one of my favorite movies “She’s the Man”:


Well? Have you tried running in heels, guys? Just walking and standing in them can be problematic. Twice a year I attend a conference to represent my hospital. I get dressed up and put makeup on because that’s what people expect. But after a few years I gave up on the heels. It’s just not worth it! I’m not going to hurt myself to fit what society has deemed “professional” or “attractive”. Have any of you gentlemen ever been told “beauty is pain”? Not jokingly, but seriously like a parent, or friend telling you to stop whining about the pain you’re in because it’ll all be worth it when you’re “beautiful”? This is what women are taught, basically from birth. I’m not even going to bother giving you the numbers on how many doctors have warned about the negative effects of wearing heels on our feet and backs because can google it yourself. Go for it. I’ll wait.

2.) Hair. I’ve heard it and read it a million times: guys like girls with long hair. Well guess what? I like myself better with short hair! But everybody thinks they need to tell me that they prefer my hair long. Family, hair stylists, and even perfect strangers: 


I love unsolicited advice about my looks! Did I ask for your opinion? Nope. When a hair stylist tries to convince me to leave my hair long… uh, did I ask for your recommendation? Nope. Btw, I’d just like to say that I’m getting my hair done as we speak with my amazing stylist (hey girl!) who supports me in my decision to go short without trying to talk me out of it. Because it’s MY hair. And it’s what I like. So what if “most” guys like long hair? There’s some out there who like it! You know how I know? I know women who have – get this – met men, dated them, and married them, all while having short hair!!!! AMAZING!!! Besides, I already have to get up at 5:30am to get to work. There’s now way I’m getting up any earlier to mess with my hair. Fuck that, I like my sleep.

3.) Make up. I’m not going to lie. Doing elaborate makeup can be fun. I myself enjoy doing it for special occasions or if I’m in the mood. I used to do it all the time when I was younger. I did it because it was fun but also because I felt like I needed to do it to attract guys. Now that I’m older, I just don’t feel like all the fuss is worth it. Guys are always complaining about how long it takes women to get ready. Well it’s society’s fault! You’ve convinced us that we can’t leave the house without a face full of makeup! Do you know how long that takes??? And the upkeep to make sure it still looks good by the end of the day??? And the specials potions and cloths we have to buy to take it all off at the end of the night??? Life is too short to spend it in the bathroom “getting ready”. I’m not saying people who wear makeup every day are doing anything wrong. You want to do it? Do it! You like how you look wearing it? Great! What pisses me off is that women are EXPECTED to wear it, and they are told that their natural self, that they have been born with, is not beautiful. Even my 4 year old niece has been brainwashed. She plays with fake “makeup” and pretends to put it on. She watches TV shows with girls wearing a ton of makeup (CARTOON girls for god sakes). How does that not mess with your head?

4.) Clothes. Girls, wear what you want. I want to emphasize the YOU in that sentence. I like looking at beautiful dresses but I hate wearing them. It limits the ways you can sit. Plus, I’ve got two words for you: chub rub. You can google that too. Now, the most important factor that I use to choose my clothes is comfort. Like leggings. Hello comfort!!!! And you can get them in crazy patterns. I’m obsessed with them. I wish I could wear them all the time. It might just be because I’m older but I just don’t want to wear uncomfortable clothes that are more “attractive”.  

Unfortunately you can’t always fight society. Tonight I’m going to a fancy restaurant with my family for my mom’s birthday. I’m already exhausted at the idea of putting on make up and fancy clothes. But I have to because otherwise it will seem rude. Because you can’t wear leggings or jeans to a fancy restaurant. And you can’t wear pj pants for your mom’s birthday dinner. Why not? Because society tells us so.

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Geek Speed Dating

Oh yes, you read that right.  Geek speed dating.  Let me start by giving you a little background information.  For her birthday, my best friend’s husband bought her tickets to a Comic Con.  He, having no interest in geek/nerd matters, asked if I would go with her.  Given my love of all things zombie, outer space-y, and Joss Whedon-y, it was a no brainer.  Of course I’d go with her!  While my bestie and I were looking over the list of events, we saw that they offered speed dating.  Which, for a Comic Con, is without a doubt, geek speed dating.  She suggested that I attend.  I had tried speed dating before (albeit, minus the pre-requisite geekiness), and I did not really enjoy it.  So I told her I was going to skip it.  Well, the first day of the Comic Con arrived.  We went to a panel, walked by the vendors and celebrity row, and during all this, we repeatedly saw people with signs for geek speed dating.  My bestie again suggested that I go.  Finally, deciding that the next panel my bestie wanted to go to did not interest me that much, I signed up for it.  It was literally 5 minutes before the start.  I was the last person to sign up so the host escorted me to the room where the speed dating would take place.  This was way more organized than the speed dating I had attended before!  The guys were kept waiting outside the room while the girls were taken right in.  As I walk in and look around the room, I notice that I am BY FAR the oldest chick in there.  Uh oh.  This is NOT a good sign.  All the girls look like they are in their early 20s if not younger!!!  Abort!  Abort!  But it’s too late, I’m already in the room with the door closed behind me.  After the fact, I did find out that one girl was only 5 years younger than me, so not THAT bad, right?  Right?!?!?!  Well, I immediately start worrying that all the guys will be totally inappropriately aged for me.  I try not to panic.  The host (who happens to be dressed up as Starlord – hot) comes in and says he went over the rules with the guys and now it was our turn.  The whole thing was actually put together with people’s safety in mind, which I do appreciate (hand knitted scarf, anyone?).  All participants were given a “name tag” which was a letter and a number.  No names were to be used.  There was no touching allowed, including hand shakes.  They gave you an index card to make notes so you would remember who was who (eg. M14 had a beard and was wearing a hat).  The host then said that if at any time the guy did anything to make us uncomfortable, we were supposed to pretend to stretch our arms, at which point the host would make eye contact with us and if we nodded, then he would immediately kick the guy out, no questions asked.  At first I thought, that’s really smart!  I appreciate how much thought they put in to safety.  My second thought was, why the hell do they need all those precautions anyway?!?!  Sad to say, there are some messed up people in this world.  In any case, let’s move along to the fun stuff.  The guys.  Instructions over, the host escorts the guys in.  Yup.  Babies.  There was maybe one guy who was around my age.  The rest of them looked like they were walking into their senior English class at school.  Yikes. The guys take their seats across from the girls.  The “dates” commence.  These were all the longest 3 minutes of my life.  First guy up, nervous as anything.  I’m worried he’s going to wet himself.  He barely makes eye contact, and has a nervous laughter.  And he laughs at the end of each sentence he says.  Ugh.  Next, guy seems a little bit older.  College freshman, maybe?  Very nice, doesn’t seem nervous.  We discuss Star Wars.  I try to keep the conversation completely flirt-free because I feel totally skeevy even being there.  We’re not even talking cougar status here.  It’s more like statutory rape status.  I’m totally uncomfortable.  So what do I do?  I start making jokes.  The host is sitting across the room from me and I’m pretty sure he knows exactly what’s going on in my head.  He laughs at my jokes too and gives me an understanding look.  Are we done yet?  Next guy.  Woo hoo!  He’s gotta be around my age!  But he’s definitely not my type.  Not so woo hoo.  More like boo hoo.  We talk about what we came to the Comic Con to see and we get on the subject of Power Rangers.  He mentions his appreciation for the show.  I tell him that I loved the original Power Rangers… because I love cheesy TV shows and movies.  No offense to you guy, if you think Power Rangers rival Shakespeare in their writing and have visual effects that rival any Michael Bay movie.  Thinking I may have insulted him, I try to cover up my mishap by telling him that I totally had a crush on the blue Ranger.  And he says, oh well then I have some bad news for you.  Huh?  What bad news?  He tells me the blue Ranger is gay.  Uh… so what?  I can still have a crush on a gay guy!  And like his being gay is what is keeping us from getting married and living happily ever after.  “I totally thought I had a chance with him, but now that I know he’s gay, I don’t have a chance.”  WTF, dude.  Now it’s his turn to try to steer the subject away and he tells me that he had a crush on the Pink Ranger, but she’s married and has a kid.  Then he leans over to me and stage whispers: “Not that that would stop me.”  NEXT!!!!!  Three minutes HAVE to be up, now.  They.  Have.  To.  Be.  And they are.  Next guy also seems closer to my age.  He is dressed up in a riddler costume from Batman, including face mask.  Here’s one thing they should add to those rules: no face masks allowed during speed dating!  I mean, if you’re not willing to take your mask off for the speed dating, you gotta be hiding something.  Guy sits down.  I say hello.  Nothing from him.  I ask “so you must like riddles, huh?”.  “Yeah.” …long pause… dark, creepy eyes leering at me from the mask… still not saying anything…  I honestly don’t even remember what I talked about I was so put off by him.  And I don’t even know what he said because he was basically whispering the entire time and I was unwilling to lean in closer to hear.  Technically, he had not done anything warranting a good old arm stretch.  But his whole vibe was of a maladjusted awkward man-child who lives in his parents’ basement.  Next!  Now the next four dates were basically interchangeable.  They were four friends that were in town for the weekend from Idaho.  IDAHO.  I’m still unclear as to what brought them to my neck of the woods.  A work thing for one of them?  Or all of them?  A high school wrestling match?  Glee club competition?  Who the fuck knows.  I was barely listening to them at this point.  I just wanted to get the hell out of there.  I hadn’t even taken any notes during the whole thing.  What was the point?  The host now explains how the next part works.  The girls and guys go to opposite sides of the room.  Each individual puts their letter/number combo at the top of a blank piece of paper.  We then switch sides and look for the paper that has the letter/number combo of the person we are interested in dating.  If you are interested in that individual, you put your first name and either phone number or email.  Guess how many papers I put my info on?  If you said none, you would be wrong.  One of the girls who was doing the speed dating was also a volunteer for the event and she put a paper out for the host (Starlord).  He was nice, and funny, and not a child, so I thought, why not?  The host then asked the boys to leave first (so there would be no awkward accosting right outside the room).  As soon as the guys were out, all the girls start exclaiming “The Riddler!!!!”  I was not the only one who found him uber-creepy.  Even the host was like, “yeah, that guy was not right.”  And now can you guess who put their name and email address on my paper?  Can you solve that little riddle?  That’s right.  The Riddler.  Shudder.

FYI, Starlord did not email me.  Sigh.

Potty Selfie

Sorry it’s been so long between posts, my dear readers!  I’ve still got lots to blog about, I just need the time and motivation!  So without further ado, I give you the first post of the year: TOILETS!!!!

People put a lot of selfies on their dating profiles.  That’s totally ok.  Some people take those selfies in bathrooms.  That’s ok too.  As long as you follow some simple rules:

Check the background first.  I tend to look in the background to see if I can read into people.  Let’s look at our first two examples.

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Dear Sir, why do you have a bottle of Nair on your sink?  Are you really into manscaping?  Do you live with female roommates?  Do you live with your Mom????  Are you actually married????  The possibilities are endless!!!

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Dear Sir, why is there a ladder in the bathroom behind you?  Are you in there fixing something?  Are you slacking off on the job to take a selfie?  Is this your pre-escape pic from the prison bathroom?  Hmmm… maybe I just have too vivid an imagination.

Make sure the bathroom is clean.  Why would you take a picture of yourself in a dirty bathroom?  If it’s your own bathroom, then that makes me think you are a slob.  If it’s a public bathroom, why wouldn’t you wait until you found a clean bathroom to take your pic?

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Graffiti can be art.  Scratches on bathroom mirrors is not art.

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Dirty mirror makes you look dirty!

Make sure your picture is centered.  The star of the picture should be you, not the urinals.  I really don’t want to see close ups of all the bathroom equipment.  Those things don’t interest me, thanks.

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Those are some nice, roomy stalls there my friend.  Congrats.  Ooh, your public restroom has a hand dryer and a soap dispenser?!?!  Awesome!

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Dude, you cut the top of your head off.  All I’ve got to look at is that shiny hand dryer and sink.  Sweet.

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Now this guy is giving me the whole view!  Changing station, door, counter, soap dispenser, trash can.  This one has it all!

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Now that’s a depressing toilet.  Look at those brick walls and sad pastel blue doors.  Boo.

Don’t take a picture in a public bathroom when someone’s trying to take a dump. That’s just rude.  You’re in there with your buddy, trying to find the perfect angle for your picture, meanwhile the guy in the back is trying to have a nice, peaceful morning poop.  You’re going to give him stress constipation, man!

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Pick a nice bathroom to take a picture of. I’ve seen so many bathroom pics on dating profiles that I’m becoming quite the bathroom connoisseur.  Some people take pics in really nice bathrooms!

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Look at that tile work!  And those color schemes!  And those mirrors!!!!  I’m going to take notes for when I redo my bathroom in the spring.

Don’t involve your innocent, little kitty into your twisted world of potty selfies.  Need I say more?

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So those are my rules for potty selfies.  Learn them and follow them.  And now I leave you with my absolute favorite bathroom selfie ever.  Enjoy it, because there are no words.

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Bad Boys, Bad Boys. Whatcha gonna do?

They say that girls like bad boys.  If that’s true then I guess I’m an exception to the rule.  I don’t like bad boys.  They don’t turn me on.  I only started liking Darryl on The Walking Dead after they showed that he had a soft side.  So when guys try to be all tough on their profiles, all I have to say is “pass”.  And I just don’t understand the offensive pictures.  What’s that supposed to show, exactly?  Ok class, cue the first slide!

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Giving yourself the finger totally takes away the lameness of taking a selfie in your car.  Yeah, totally.  You nailed it, ‘brah.

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Oh, so you’re saying your friends are idiots too?  Good to know.  Plus, you are obviously a great role model for little kids.

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Photographer: “Ok, dude.  Now put your hand in your pocket so you can look casual.  Hmmm.. something’s missing in this picture.  Oh, I know!  Flip the bird!  It’s brings the whole composition together.”

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Know how you can add that touch of class to your “fuck you” picture?  Stick your middle finger up your nose.  Voila!  Class!

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This guy must have graduated from the same school of manners as “What’s your ass up to” and “Turd Burglar”.

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Are you going to tell me that you didn’t notice the guy doing that gesture in the background of your picture?  Please.  Way to slip that one in.  No pun intended.

The lesson learned today is that if you don’t want to come over as a complete douche, put your hands down.  And your pants up.  But that’s another post for another day 😛

Story Time!

Sorry that I haven’t posted in a while.  I just haven’t been in a joking mood.  I find more and more things in online dating that are NOT funny especially the way that women are treated.  But let’s put that aside for now and let me tell you a little story.  I apologize for the lack of pictures, this was from before I started documenting this crazy journey.

I had been on OKC for several years, off and on.  Last Christmas, after a disastrous “relationship” with a guy, a friend suggested that I try POF.  So in the spirit of new beginnings, after the New Year I created a profile on there.  I started chatting with this guy and he seemed really nice.  We started talking about meeting up but after giving it some thought, I realized that I was still upset about the last guy and that this would just be rebound and I was not ready to start dating anybody.  I messaged this guy and told him that.  He messages me back, kind of angrily, asking me why I was on a dating site if I wasn’t ready to date.  I told him that I thought I was ready but when we started making plans to meet, I realized I wasn’t ready.  Obviously I didn’t purposefully lead him on.  He basically said “whatever” and that was that.

Being busy with work and whatnot, I didn’t go back to online dating for several months.  Once I did, I checked my OKC profile first and saw a message that this guy (from POF) had sent to me that said “I thought you weren’t ready to date?”.  Now, I should have known better and left it alone but for some reason, I don’t like thinking there are people out there thinking badly of me.  Well, unless I deserve it, of course 😛  So I message him back (on OKC) and tell him that it was an old profile and that I wasn’t actively using it when I told him I wasn’t ready to date.  He was very nice and pleasant and we started talking again.  A couple of days later we were chatting and I told him I was on my way out to hang out with my sister for the evening.  I got home late and noticed that he had written me a whole long story about his life.  Since it was late and I was tired, I figured that I would just reply to him in the morning.  In the middle of the night, my geriatric dog woke me up to go outside.  I let him out and while I was waiting for him to come back inside, I decided to re-read the message this guy had sent me and reply.  However, unbeknownst to me while I had been sleeping, he had messaged me again asking me what he said that made me “flake out”.  Waaaaaiiittt.  What?  I replied that I had told him that I was going out with my sister that night and that I had gotten home late and didn’t have time to read his message and reply.  Then sitting there in bed, waiting for my dog to get his little old butt back inside, I started getting angry.  One time I didn’t reply right away and he calls that flaking out?  What the hell?  All these alarms started going off in my head.  Again, a situation in which I didn’t owe this guy anything.  I had done nothing wrong.  So I messaged him again and told him that I felt insulted that he would say I flaked out after not responding ONCE, especially since I had already told him I would be busy.  I told him that it gave me a bad feeling and that I didn’t want to continue talking to him.  And then I blocked him.

Now remember, the first time I spoke with him was on POF.  The subsequent conversations and blocking were done on OKC.  A few days ago I saw that he visited my profile on POF.  Ugh.  Thankfully though, he has not contacted me.  But if he does, I’ll know better than to respond!

Let’s Get Serious

The original purpose of this blog was to entertain my friends with the silly and ridiculous things one has to go through when online dating.  It obviously will continue to have silly and ridiculous blogs.  But sometimes I’m going to have to get serious.  Women go through a lot with not just online dating, but dating in general and dealing with men in public as well.  I’m sure that this isn’t true of all men and all women.  I’m just going with my experiences.  Cue Madonna’s “What It Feels Like For a Girl” because I’m gonna show YOU what online dating is like for a girl.

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I’ve used this pic in a previous post (#9 There’s Jokes and Then There’s…) but I really needed to include it in this post as well.  This kind of joke is unacceptable.  Joking about roofies and date rape is NEVER ok.  And this is the kind of stuff that women have to put up with.  Not only do we have to deal with guys trying to roofie and rape us, we have to deal with guys who think that’s funny.  One time in college I thought I saw a guy put something in my drink and then go back to his group of buddies.  There were about 5 of them and they stood around watching me and my friends.  I couldn’t be positive that he actually put something in there but just the thought of it and then seeing him and his buddies with creepy smiles on their faces made me sick to my stomach.  Guys, try putting yourself in my shoes in that situation.  How would that make you feel?

There’s another reason why dating is treacherous for women.  According to Huffpost “At Least a Third of All Women Murdered in the U.S. Are Killed by Male Counterparts”.  (Read the article here: http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5927140?utm_hp_ref=tw).  This is one of the reasons I scrutinize profiles so much.

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This message was sent to me completely unsolicited.  Who just gives out their phone number to a complete stranger?  Not only that but straight off the bat with the sexual innuendos.  Or the not so much innuendo.  There probably are girls out there who are just as forward and send the same kind of messages.  But most guys who receive these messages don’t have to worry that the woman on the other end of the message is going to rape and kill them.  It’s just really annoying to repeatedly get messages where the guy just wants to have sex with you.  That’s not what I’m looking for, thanks.  And that’s what’s listed on my profile as well so it shouldn’t be a shock to you.

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Why is it that guys can be sexually open and not get called names, but a woman who is sexually open and adventurous is called a whore?  Or a slut?  Would you really refer to someone you want to date as a whore?  The reverse is also true.  If a woman doesn’t want to have sex with a guy or be sexually open, she’s a prude.  Or because she doesn’t openly talk about sex, she doesn’t have any sexual feelings and is just uptight.  Also, have you noticed there are really no male words for whore, slut or prude?  These words are pretty much defined as female words. Why must there be two separate rules for men and women?  It’s just like a guy who is forceful is respected while a girl who is forceful is a bitch.  Guys, stop using these words to describe women.  Girls, stop using these words against each other.  JUST STOP.

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This guy messaged me and I responded.  His next message was that he didn’t realize I was 34 and was worried that I was out of my prime.  I can’t even remember what I replied to him but his next line was saying that I needed to bring my A game. Needless to say, I stopped responding.  So he continues to message me.  There’s actually more messages that I didn’t take screen shots of.  I haven’t blocked him because he’s not being rude or anything and I’m just curious as to how long it will take for him to stop messaging him.  It’s kind of the rule of online dating that if someone doesn’t reply or stops replying, it’s because they aren’t interested.  Yet this guy keeps messaging me.  JUST STOP.

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Same thing with this guy.  You can clearly see that I have told him I am not interested.  Yet, he repeatedly messages me.  When will guys understand that no means no?  We don’t think it’s cute that you keep trying.  We won’t change our mind just because you are persistent.  JUST STOP.

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Now this guy has never messaged me.  Yet, he “visits” my profile at least once a day, sometimes more.  But because he’s never messaged me, I can’t block him.  I guess visiting a profile every day is not block-worthy.  But I find it incredibly creepy. Again, persistence will not change my mind.  What do you think you’ll accomplish looking at my profile every day?  JUST STOP.

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And another (previously posted on #11 Nicknames/Pet Names)!  As I mentioned before, this guy gave me 10 MINUTES before asking me why I didn’t answer him.  Something else guys need to realize: I don’t owe you anything.  Including an explanation as to why I didn’t answer your message.  It’s my prerogative.  JUST STOP.

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 One more, just in case you thought it was only those two guys.  (Pssst!  It’s not.)

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Ok, say it with me people: I DON’T OWE YOU ANYTHING!!!  This guy messaged me both on OKC and POF.  I don’t have to give you an explanation or “tell you what a guy has to do”.  I haven’t messaged you back and it doesn’t matter which app you use, I won’t message you.  JUST STOP.

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No.  That is not the problem.  Take responsibility.  Women have no obligation to reply to you.  Let’s go over this ONE. MORE. TIME.  We owe you nothing.  If women aren’t replying to you, maybe it’s because of how you are messaging them.  JUST STOP.

This reminds me of something horrific that occurred in California this past May.  Elliot Rodger went on a shooting spree as a punishment for all the women that were never attracted to him and refused to date him.  (For more information please go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2014_Isla_Vista_killings).  I am not in any way saying the guy above is anything like Elliot Rodger.  Or any of the other guys in my posts are evil or murderers.  All I’m saying is that there is a preponderance of misogynistic men out there.  Men that feel like women are objects to be used and discarded.  Men that feel like women owe them something.  It frustrates me and sickens me.  Women are either whores, sluts or prudes.  We just can’t win when it comes to sex.  This is our culture, people.  Wake up.  Insist on changing this dogma.  This affects all women.  Your mothers, your sisters, your daughters, YOU.

Manners Matter

Frequently during the dating process I run into guys that seemed to have skipped kindergarten.  It’s like they’ve never been taught manners or politeness or just plain old being nice!  Sometimes you have to wonder if they think before speaking (or typing, for that matter).  Although, I guess it’s a good thing that they don’t because then I know early on that I don’t want to continue to interact with them!  Case in point:  I’d been chatting with this guy for several weeks.  We hadn’t met yet because he currently lives out of state but comes back to Wilmington once a month to see family.  We were planning on getting together at some point during one of his visits.  So during these weeks we’ve been chatting, getting to know each other and joking around a little.  Then today he sends me this little gem:

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I actually just sat there and stared at the screen for a minute, shocked.  Now, had this been sent to me by a close friend, I wouldn’t have even batted an eyelid and would probably have texted back something equally obnoxious.  The difference being that I know my friends, and that I know that they value me as a person.  I don’t know this guy well enough for him to talk to me that way.  I have a problem with guys treating me with disrespect.  It’s one of my biggest issues.  If I feel at all disrespected, I get super defensive.  So I type exactly what I would have said had this happened in person:

Number 1

I clearly state that I’m taken aback by his comment.  And he thinks it’s funny.  I start thinking to myself, well I wouldn’t care if a friend said that to me, so I explain to him that I think it’s something you’d say to a buddy.  You’d think that if you were interested in someone and you wanted to pursue a relationship with that someone, you’d try to not be offensive.

Number 2

He still thinks it’s funny but gives a half hearted apology.  I had nothing to say to that, so I just ignored it for the time being.  He obviously gives it some thought and messages me later saying he ‘DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING VULGAR OR INAPPROPRIATE’.  Are you kidding me?!?!?!  Would you use the word “ass” to your boss?  Would you use it in front of your little nieces or nephews?  Do you go around to people you just met and ask them what their ass is up to today?

Grocery Bagger: “How are you doing today?”
Him: “Not too bad.  How’s your ass today?”
Grocery Bagger: “…”

Number 3

At this point, I’m getting a little riled up (it’s not that hard to do, I know).  So I tell him what’s up.  Especially since he’s keeps LOLing like it’s no big deal.

Number 4

You don’t see anything POSSIBLY wrong???  At all???  Seriously, not at all???  He couldn’t have said, “I’m sorry you took it as disrespectful but that wasn’t my intention.”  Nope.  Not this guy.  So I wished him luck and sent him on his way.  Looking back, I should have known we weren’t a good match.  I mean, he had a camo hat on in one of his pics.  No guy who wears camo has ever been a good match for me.  But alas, hind-sight is 20/20.  So dear readers, what has YOUR ass been up to?

Pick Up Lines and Buying Drinks

I will preface this post by saying that these are my opinions and by no means the opinions of all women.  However, I feel that the majority of women would agree with me on this.  

First up: pick up lines.  I would like to go back in time and find the guy who invented pick up lines and punch him in the face.  Why can’t a guy just introduce himself?  A simple: “Hi, my name is [fill in the blank]” will impress me a hundred times more than a stupid pick up line that every woman has probably heard a million times before.  I get that approaching a stranger that you find attractive can be intimidating but trying to break the ice with a lame line doesn’t make it better.  Especially considering that the majority of those pick up lines insinuate that the woman in question will be having sex with the guy later that night.  So what you’re saying is that you either: 1.) think I’m a slut and will have sex with you or 2.) you’re hoping that I’m a slut and you want to get your point across that you’re up for having sex with me tonight.  Who gave guys permission to treat women like sexual objects without thoughts or feelings from their opening line on?  And sometimes pick up lines can get down right creepy.  A few years ago, a friend and I were at a bar when a “gentleman” old enough to be our father comes over to us.  “You girls don’t look old enough to be in here.”  I couldn’t help myself, I had to respond to that.  “So what you’re saying is that you think we are underage and because of that you are hitting on us?  Don’t you think that’s a little sick?”  The guy mumbled something and walked away.  I guess the thought of statutory rape was a turn on for him.  Unfortunately for him, it’s not a turn on for me.

Next up: sending over drinks.  Again, I get that you’re trying to break the ice.  And I have nothing against sending over a drink in and of itself.  What I do have a problem with is when the guy (or guys) send over a drink and then sit there, waiting for you to come over and say thank you.  It makes me feel like a prostitute.  Like the guy has bought me, so now I have to go over there.  No thanks.  If you want to send a drink over and then a minute later come over and introduce yourself, that’s fine (as long as you say “Hi, my name is [fill in the blank]” and not a pick up line).  But using a free drink as bait to get me to go over to you makes me feel like an object.  Oh and just because you decided to buy me a drink does not mean I owe you anything.

So let’s review folks: women are people.  Approach us and introduce yourself like you would a potential employer that you would like to impress.  Not like an object put on this earth simply for your enjoyment.

Some Guys Never Outgrow the “If He’s Mean to You it Means He Likes You” Mentality

I’ve been accused of coming on too strong before.  So for a while there, I decided to back off and let the guys ask me out.  I would be talking to these guys for weeks, and they either got bored or they got serious with someone else in the meantime and had to stop chatting with me.  After a guy I really liked told me he was now in an exclusive relationship with another girl, I thought: “Screw it!  Next guy I start talking to, I’m going to ask him out right away.”  That turned out not to be a great game plan either.  Surprise, surprise.  But I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Next guy comes along, we chat for a day or two.  He seems nice, I ask him out.  We make plans to meet for drinks at my favorite sushi restaurant.  When I got there, he was already sitting at the bar.  We say our hellos and he tells me he’s already ordered some food for us to share.  Most people would not get annoyed by this, however, I’m kind of a picky eater so I don’t like other people ordering for me.  I also don’t like it because it makes me feel like we’re back to before the women’s rights movement.  Dude, I can vote now.  Let me order my own food.  Geez. Anyway, we get to chatting and I ask him what he does for a living.  He pompously describes his job with the government (I don’t even remember what it was, just that he was very “I’m so cool.  I’m so important.”).  He then tells me that his sister also works for the government and that he doesn’t even know what she actually does because it’s top secret but only that “she gets very tense when she’s in a room with foreigners”.  Trying to lighten the mood I jokingly said “well it’s a good thing she’s not here because I’m actually a foreigner!”  He asks me where I’m from, and I tell him Canada.  He then proceeds to spend the next 5 minutes telling Canadian jokes.  At that point, I just turn my attention to the food and my drink.  He finally realizes that I’m not enjoying his oh-so-original humor.  (For clarity’s sake I’ve put his lines in blue and mine in green.)

“What? You don’t think that’s funny?”
“Well, after living here for 15 years, I’ve heard it all before.”
[very rudely] “You’ve lived here for 15 years?  You can’t really call yourself a Canadian then.”
[getting angry] “It’s not like I’m going around, shouting at the top of my voice that I’m Canadian and wearing a maple leaf on my shirt.  It just came up in the conversation!!!”

Silence…

He decides to change the conversation.  

“So what do you do for fun?”
“I like to read.  I like to have movie nights or game nights with my friends.”
[snorts] “THAT’S what you like to do for fun???”
[angry again] “Well what do YOU like to do for fun?”
“I play an online sustenance farming game with some friends in San Francisco.”
[What the hell does that mean?  He’s playing Farmville???] “Oh so THAT’S ok to do for fun, but not game nights and movie nights???”

Silence…

At this point, I should have just cut my losses.  But ever a glutton for punishment, I stay.  

“Something else I like to do is knit.  I’ve got a scarf in my car that I knitted.  Do you want to go see it?”
“Uh no!!!!!  Just ignore the smell of chloroform!!!”
“No, it’s not like that!  It’s just that it was too warm for me to wear the scarf into the restaurant!”

Silence…

“My friends and I had a dress up New Year’s Eve party.  I wore a top hat and tails.  Want to see pictures?”
[I can’t even be nice anymore] “No.”

We pay the bill and he walks me to my car.

“I had a good time tonight.”
[Are you kidding me????] “Well it sure was interesting.”

I get in my car and drive away.  No hug, no handshake, nothing.  I just want to get the hell out of there.  On the drive home I get a message from him:

“I meant what I said, I had a good time tonight.”
“Like I said, it was interesting.”

I’m amazed he didn’t punch me on the arm and accuse me of having cooties.

 

 

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