Dating is Hell

…and I've already heard Satan's pick up line

Archive for the category “Fetishes”

Fetishism – Part 3

I honestly didn’t think that I’d have 3 posts dedicated to fetishes, let alone have an entire category for it!  Welcome to the world of online dating, ladies and gentleman!  Let’s dive right in, shall we?

dom

Hey!  I’ve actually heard of this one!!!  Although I did have to ask a friend what BDSM stood for a couple of years ago…
Is it sad that when I saw this it made me feel a little bit better because this fetish seems so much more “mainstream” to me?  Needless to say, I was less creeped out by this guy than some of the others.  And he listed “dom” as his profession.  Think it’s actually his job?!?!?!  Is there a big BDSM club out in Newark that I’m not aware of?  Don’t answer that.  Cause 99% of my readers are people I know and I DON’T want to know how you know the answer to that.  No, seriously.  Stop.

cougar

I don’t know if you’d classify this one as a fetish, per se.  Young guys that are into cougars.  I’m going to go with yes.  Either way, I’m putting it in this post and in this category so now it’s totally a fetish.  I now dub thee, “cougar fetish”!  Again, this one wasn’t that creepy to me.  Although it did piss me off.  I’m friggin 34!!!  I’m so not a cougar!  Don’t you have to be at least 40 to be considered a cougar???  I get that I’m 14 years older than this dude, but I’M NOT A COUGAR DAMMIT!  And if by some chance you are a member of the cougar chaser club and according to your rules I am a cougar, please don’t tell me.  No, seriously.  Stop.

first date

Woo hoo!  Another one I’ve heard of!  I’m on a roll here.  Ok, so 69 and threesomes.  Not that crazy and out there.  HOWEVER, he has this listed as his FIRST DATE!  This guy doesn’t waste any time, does he?  And what exactly is the first date etiquette for threesomes?  Am I supposed to bring the other guy or is he?  How embarrassing would it be if we both brought another guy.  Awkward!

urgratest

Ummm… thank you?  I’m fairly certain that this guy uses this line frequently.  I mean, it’s just too detailed to be something he just thought up while looking at my picture.  I have a feeling he’s planned it all out.  And he’s probably asked an ex-girlfriend or two to act this out for him.  But you know why I would never respond to this guy?  His profile name is urgratestfan.  I hate people who use “ur” instead of “your”.  And he misspelled greatest.  Now THAT would be my fetish.  A guy who can spell correctly!  Sign me up for that club!

daddy

This guy probably isn’t into fetishes (although seeing the amount of people I find online that have fetish leanings would suggest otherwise) but his name just creeps me out.  I really really really don’t get the whole “daddy” nickname thing.  It’s so gross.  The last thing I want to associate with someone I’m sexually attracted to is my father.  I’m not against using nicknames in the bedroom.  Just not that one.  I knew someone who used to call her boyfriend “Pappa J”.  Ewww.  This isn’t the backwoods of the Appalachian region.  Or wherever people have an Uncle Daddy and a Aunt Sister.

pregnant

What’s up with that???  I get that pregnant women can still be attractive.  I get that they can still have sex.  But I figured they’d be having sex with the guy who impregnated them, not some random dude they just met!  And is it just me or is it weird for a guy to be turned on by pregnant women in general and not just their partner who is pregnant with their child?  Is there a name for this kind of fetish?  I’m thinking if there is, it’s probably gross.  So don’t tell me.  No, seriously.  Stop.

A little while back a friend of mine shared one of my fetish blogs on her Facebook page.  Two friends mentioned Rule 34 of the Internet.  Me being who I am, I had never heard of Rule 34 before.  So a friend shared this cartoon with me:

e34

This brought back a memory of a get together at a friend’s house.  Actually it was the same night as “The Run In” (post #2) believe it or not.  Somehow at one point during the night someone mentioned Pterodactyl porn.  A bunch of us didn’t believe that it actually existed but thanks to the internet and smart phones, someone produced proof.  Oh yes, there is Pterodactyl porn.  But that’s not the weirdest part.  The weirdest part was that my first thought was: “but humans and Pterodactyls weren’t even around at the same time!”.  And that is pretty much the best example of how my brain works.

Advertisements

Fetishism – Part 2

I didn’t think I’d actually have to have part two of this topic, but here we are.  The first picture you are about to see is a message that was sent to a fellow traveler of the online dating pot-hole ridden highway.

10590694_10153409066260961_2220162880745570776_n

Now, I LOL like crazy when I first read this.  I mean, a disobedient avocado?  That must be a joke.  But the more I’m on these dating sites, the more I’m starting to think that this could actually be a serious message and a serious fetish.  People who REALLY like vegetables.  You couldn’t call them vegetarians, because that term is already taken.  Using the term “veggies” would be like using the term “plushies” but I think that would cause way too much confusion.  A guy could ask a girl if she likes veggies and next thing you know he gets slapped in the face and has no idea why.  I’d do some research, but I’m actually terrified of what I might find.  That and of someone finding “sex with vegetables” in my browser history.

Online dating has really been educational for me in this fetish realm.  I get more messages about fetishes and get matched up with fetishists more than I ever dreamed I would.  Hmmm… what does that say about me, do you think?  Although, talking with other ladies who’ve done the online dating thing, I’m not the only one.  So I choose to think I don’t have a “Fetishes Wanted” look about me.  Anyway, next fetish please!

10616011_10153441127905961_1422236941051096486_n

Yikes!  How does that become a fetish?  I can see the connection to oral fixation but I just don’t understand how any of that can be pleasurable.  I HATE going to the dentist.  I still go every 6 months like a good, responsible adult but I still HATE it.  The buzzing, the vibration… Oh.  Wait.  I think I get it now.  But there is still the scraping.  And the prodding… Ok, I get it again.  Or maybe people who are into the whole dentist scenario have never actually had to have major dental work because we’re talking serious pain here.  Not like, smack me on the ass, stinging pain.  Like, nerve pain shooting into my skull making me want to cry and vomit all at the same time.  So what do we call these hot-for-dentist people then?  Toothers?  Teethies?  I feel like I’m naming things that could have been gifts at the baby shower I attended yesterday.  Oooh!  How about “flossers”?  Oh yeah.  “Floss me, baby!!!”

Let’s see how many days/weeks/months it takes before I need to have “Fetishism – Part 3” posted…

Fetishism – is that a word?

We all know that there are fetishists out there.  And honestly, I feel like if you aren’t hurting anybody then let your freak flag fly.  It’s just not for me.  So when I get messages from a fetishist, it makes me a little bit uncomfortable.  Although I’m glad for the heads up.  I’d much rather they start off with it right away than to get involved with a person only to find out later they are into stuff that is not in my wheelhouse.  But aren’t there special websites for these things?  Places they can go knowing they’ll find like minded folks?  I feel like these poor guys are probably getting let down a lot.  Or maybe I’m just being naive and there’s a lot more people into that stuff than I thought.  And what about she-fetishists? (I totally made that word up too)  Are there as many of those out there as he-fetishists?  Are the ladies also sending out these messages on dating websites?  Well my first brush with a fetishist wasn’t that bad:

10411956_10153349084060961_7774018247642574135_n

A tame, innocent little message.  But the screen name says it all.  A foot fetish seems (at least to me) the tamest of most fetishes.  However, feet gross me out.  My own included.  Once in college I was at a get together with some of my friends and some of their friends.  I was sitting on a couch with my feet up next to me.  Guy I just met that night says he likes feet and would I mind if he massaged my feet for me.  I’d had a drink or two, so I thought: “Why not?”  I told him to go ahead.  About a minute later, while conversing with someone else, I feel something wet on my big toe.  I look over and this guy has my toe in his mouth!!!  Ok, no.  I draw the line there.  Especially with you, guy who I just met (and who’s name I don’t remember or who he knew at the party).

The next fetish message was a little bit stranger:

10565061_10153354078770961_8410127917095215179_n

I understand that some people get pleasure from pain, but my mind automatically goes to the permanent damage that could potentially cause.  What if you kicked so hard that they exploded or something???  Or you killed all the sperm swimming around in there???  Yikes.  But I must admit that on days where I’m particularly annoyed with the male of the species, I feel like messaging this guy and accepting his offer.  Repeatedly.  And while I’m sure that most fetishists are harmless, this one creeps me out a little bit.  Like after I kicked him, he’d ask if I wanted to see the scarf he had knitted or something and next thing I know, I’d wake up at the bottom of a well with a bottle of lotion.  No thank you and good luck.

Post Navigation