Sorry it’s been so long between posts, my dear readers! I’ve still got lots to blog about, I just need the time and motivation! So without further ado, I give you the first post of the year: TOILETS!!!!
People put a lot of selfies on their dating profiles. That’s totally ok. Some people take those selfies in bathrooms. That’s ok too. As long as you follow some simple rules:
Check the background first. I tend to look in the background to see if I can read into people. Let’s look at our first two examples.
Dear Sir, why do you have a bottle of Nair on your sink? Are you really into manscaping? Do you live with female roommates? Do you live with your Mom???? Are you actually married???? The possibilities are endless!!!
Dear Sir, why is there a ladder in the bathroom behind you? Are you in there fixing something? Are you slacking off on the job to take a selfie? Is this your pre-escape pic from the prison bathroom? Hmmm… maybe I just have too vivid an imagination.
Make sure the bathroom is clean. Why would you take a picture of yourself in a dirty bathroom? If it’s your own bathroom, then that makes me think you are a slob. If it’s a public bathroom, why wouldn’t you wait until you found a clean bathroom to take your pic?
Graffiti can be art. Scratches on bathroom mirrors is not art.
Dirty mirror makes you look dirty!
Make sure your picture is centered. The star of the picture should be you, not the urinals. I really don’t want to see close ups of all the bathroom equipment. Those things don’t interest me, thanks.
Those are some nice, roomy stalls there my friend. Congrats. Ooh, your public restroom has a hand dryer and a soap dispenser?!?! Awesome!
Dude, you cut the top of your head off. All I’ve got to look at is that shiny hand dryer and sink. Sweet.
Now this guy is giving me the whole view! Changing station, door, counter, soap dispenser, trash can. This one has it all!
Now that’s a depressing toilet. Look at those brick walls and sad pastel blue doors. Boo.
Don’t take a picture in a public bathroom when someone’s trying to take a dump. That’s just rude. You’re in there with your buddy, trying to find the perfect angle for your picture, meanwhile the guy in the back is trying to have a nice, peaceful morning poop. You’re going to give him stress constipation, man!
Pick a nice bathroom to take a picture of. I’ve seen so many bathroom pics on dating profiles that I’m becoming quite the bathroom connoisseur. Some people take pics in really nice bathrooms!
Look at that tile work! And those color schemes! And those mirrors!!!! I’m going to take notes for when I redo my bathroom in the spring.
Don’t involve your innocent, little kitty into your twisted world of potty selfies. Need I say more?
So those are my rules for potty selfies. Learn them and follow them. And now I leave you with my absolute favorite bathroom selfie ever. Enjoy it, because there are no words.