Dating is Hell

…and I've already heard Satan's pick up line

Archive for the category “Profiles”

Spam Land

Spam is the reality of life with technology.  I’m sure after the first website was created on the internet, the first spam was quickly linked to it and sent a message to all the first users about how they can enlarge their penis at home or how to become rich quick.  You can’t have technology without someone abusing it for their benefit.  As soon as a newer, better spam detector is created, someone creates newer and better spam.  Ain’t life grand?

So I guess it was only a matter of time before people started abusing dating apps to spam people or to use it for something it was not made for.  As annoying as it’s been to have to go through profile after profile that suck and aren’t at all what I’m looking for, at least until this point these profiles were still for dating/hooking up which is what they were made for in the first place.  But just within the last week or so, I’ve seen profiles that are made to promote a business, not a person.  What’s worse, Bumble has a business setting!  If someone wants to look for a new job or for a specific business, they can just log out of the dating version and log onto the business version!  It’s that simple!  So why would people use the dating version to promote a business?  Just to bring more annoyingness into my life, I guess.  Let’s see who’s up first…


For fuck’s sakes!  If I wanted to find a new gym or fitness trainer, I’d go looking for one!  Although I did discuss this with one of my friends, and it could be a smart way to get more training clients/gym members.  Girls are on the dating site, see this guy’s hot body and go to the gym in hopes that he will meet them and fall in love with them and yadda yadda yadda.  Now this guy has more clients and more money coming in.  But I find that very deceitful.  This guy is probably married, or not even looking to date but luring women into his gym by preying on their desire for love.  Orrrrrrrrr… I’m reading way too much into this and this guy just thought it would be a good way to get more clients and he has no intention of duping anybody.  I mean, It doesn’t specifically say anywhere in the profile that he’s interested in dating.  BUT HE’S ON A DATING SITE!!!!!  And now he’s ruining it for everybody else. Ugh.  Moving on to the next guy.

holisticAgain, this is a DATING SITE!!!!  People are on here to find dates. Not to find a doctor or holistic health practitioner or whatever.  What I think makes this profile extra skeevy is that he’s just looking to “help” women.  Why just women?  Wouldn’t seeing both men and women double your client base?  Also, how does he make money if it’s free?  And how does it work remotely?!?!  I just can’t see what this guy’s angle is or what he’s actually offering, or what he wants.  I’m just super creeped out by the whole thing.  This one definitely screams SPAM.  If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought that I accidentally clicked on an ad in the corner of the screen and ended up there.  But I definitely didn’t.  It was a straight up dating profile.  Let’s look at #3 now.

country star

What the fuck, dude?  No, I don’t want your new single.  I AM single.  That’s why I’m on here, you jackass.  Also, the whole “my manager said this would be a good idea” is definitely not a turn on.  Like you can’t even date by yourself?  You need your manager to tell you what to do?  His manager probably wrote that profile!  In which case, he needs a new manager that actually has good grammar and punctuation.  And no, I did not black out this guy’s name because he just sounds like a straight up douche.  At least the other two seemed like small business owners just trying to expand their business without having to pay for advertising (now, that business may or may not include kidnapping and other nefarious things but I digress).  This guy has a fucking record company!!!  If they can’t get you more fans in any other way than spamming a dating app, you should also get a new record label to represent you while you’re getting a new manager.

There you have it, folks.  A whole new circle of hell for dating: spam dating profiles.  As if dating wasn’t sucky enough; now you get spammed too.


P.S. Spamming isn’t the name of a fetish too, is it?  Cause if it is, that last sentence takes on a whole new meaning…


Prince Not-So-Charming

Taking the advice of friends, I decided to jump back into the dating apps after my latest dating disappointment.  If I found one “good guy” whom I connected with on a dating app, it stands to reason that there are others out there, right?  If there is, it’s going to take a lot of sorting through a lot of crap to find him.  Let’s get started, shall we?

Now, if you ever find yourself feeling too good about yourself, might I suggest putting a profile on a dating app?  Endlessly swiping right and getting little to no matches does wonderful things for your ego.  I mean, if you’re not drop dead gorgeous that is.  I’m sure those ladies do a lot less swiping and get a lot more matches.  Or actually, they probably aren’t on the apps to begin with, right?  Well, us lesser mortals get to go online to find that none of the attractive people have matched with us.  Yay.  Good times.  Or, if your ego is still a little too prominent, there’s always the unsolicited insults and “constructive criticism” of open messaging apps like OkCupid and POF:


Thanks for the compliment! But also, go fuck yourself.  And then there’s nothing quite logging in to find a message like this waiting for you:


Although I’m a little disappointed by how short this message was compared to some of the other insults I’ve gotten in the past.  But hey, at least they are showing me their true colors.  Because you can’t really judge a person by their profile description.  For example, that lovely message from above came from this guy:

full profile no edit.png

Did you catch that?  Let me point out the most pertinent info:

full profile

That’s right, folks!  The asshole that sent me the “moron” message is a kind, friendly, nice all around guy.  He also happens to be a gentle, compassionate person who enjoys the simple things life has to offer with no head games.  Obviously.  Also to show how serious he is about this whole dating thing, his profile includes just this one awesome picture:


AND we’re a 74% match?!?!?  Winner, winner, chicken dinner!  Let’s do this!!!!  Although, thinking about it, I would much rather have a guy message me two words, followed by two question marks, and then get angry at me and name calling when I don’t respond:

rude and disrespectful

I’m rude and disrespectful?  I gave your message the same amount of time and consideration you gave when you messaged me TWO WHOLE WORDS that didn’t even have a context.  Do I really need to go over the whole “I don’t owe you anything” speech again?  (In case you missed it, please go to the post titled “Let’s Get Serious).

So yes, getting dumped was not fun.  I was and still am, hurt.  And also yes, I have a whole blog dedicated to the hellishness that is online dating.  I do, however, try to be a little more positive about it on my profiles.  I don’t want to seem as if I’ve lost all hope of ever finding a partner, soul mate, roommate, bill sharer, heavy lifter, missing member of my family’s band.  Who gets turned on by negative Nancies anyway?  Obviously the following gentlemen did not get the memo:

bag on your head

Ok, I like that you used a simile here.  That’s nice.  At least he didn’t specifically come out and insult all women, like the following gentlemen.  Maybe they are just going with some reverse psychology.  Instead of saying nice things, they say super rude things! That’ll make those replies flood in!


I did not know that Trump was on a dating site!  That’s exciting!


Those are my only two options???  I’m pretty sure there’s a third status that you neglected to list…

• hoe

• wife

√ not dating you

Guess I’m off the fence now, buddy.  Also, it’s “your”, “you”, and “there”.  If you’re going to be insulting, you might as well be grammatically accurate.


There’s just something about a guy calling a woman a cunt… I really just want to date this bitter, bitter man.  I’m sure he’s very respectful and loving.  P.S. anybody else find it a little ironic that this guy Stands with Planned Parenthood?  Maybe he thought the PP stood for Pretty Pussies.  Or Perky Pussies.  He definitely thought one of those Ps stood for pussy.

For the equal opportunity haters, we’ve got the men who hate the opposite sex AND their own sex:


I… just… there are no words.  Let’s move on to the next dating strategy.  The “prove me wrong” type.  I’m not going to lie.  I’ve absolutely thought similar things about guys.  I might have even tweeted similar things.  But a dating profile is not where you should be putting these thoughts.  It does not get you dates.

good men

negative nancy

Although, he does have a point about the entrepreneur thing.  Up until they changed their settings so you could write in your own profession, 90% of profiles I saw had that listed as their occupation.  It made me think of Shark Tank every time.  And then I’d try to decide what particular thing that individual would be pitching to the sharks.  It didn’t help with my dating, but it sure made it a little more interesting to look through these profiles.


You get the picture.  And I get how exhausting the whole dating profile is.  I’ve changed mine a million times.  How do you accurately describe yourself?  How do you accurately describe the person you’re looking for?  Nobody likes filling out those things.  But for fuck’s sakes, put in a little effort.

hate these sites

Yeah, I get it.  Do something constructive with your hate though, dude.  Like write a blog or something. 😉  Now this next guy gives a whole new meaning to having a blah profile.


Now this next guy put some effort into his profile.  He’s even got multiple pictures, and a profile title and……


Excuse me while I go vomit….

Potty Selfie

Sorry it’s been so long between posts, my dear readers!  I’ve still got lots to blog about, I just need the time and motivation!  So without further ado, I give you the first post of the year: TOILETS!!!!

People put a lot of selfies on their dating profiles.  That’s totally ok.  Some people take those selfies in bathrooms.  That’s ok too.  As long as you follow some simple rules:

Check the background first.  I tend to look in the background to see if I can read into people.  Let’s look at our first two examples.

background 1

Dear Sir, why do you have a bottle of Nair on your sink?  Are you really into manscaping?  Do you live with female roommates?  Do you live with your Mom????  Are you actually married????  The possibilities are endless!!!

fixing something 1

Dear Sir, why is there a ladder in the bathroom behind you?  Are you in there fixing something?  Are you slacking off on the job to take a selfie?  Is this your pre-escape pic from the prison bathroom?  Hmmm… maybe I just have too vivid an imagination.

Make sure the bathroom is clean.  Why would you take a picture of yourself in a dirty bathroom?  If it’s your own bathroom, then that makes me think you are a slob.  If it’s a public bathroom, why wouldn’t you wait until you found a clean bathroom to take your pic?

 dirty 1 dirty 3

Graffiti can be art.  Scratches on bathroom mirrors is not art.

dirty 2 dirty 4

Dirty mirror makes you look dirty!

Make sure your picture is centered.  The star of the picture should be you, not the urinals.  I really don’t want to see close ups of all the bathroom equipment.  Those things don’t interest me, thanks.

public off center 1public off center 4

Those are some nice, roomy stalls there my friend.  Congrats.  Ooh, your public restroom has a hand dryer and a soap dispenser?!?!  Awesome!

public off center 2

Dude, you cut the top of your head off.  All I’ve got to look at is that shiny hand dryer and sink.  Sweet.

public off center 3

Now this guy is giving me the whole view!  Changing station, door, counter, soap dispenser, trash can.  This one has it all!

public off center 5

Now that’s a depressing toilet.  Look at those brick walls and sad pastel blue doors.  Boo.

Don’t take a picture in a public bathroom when someone’s trying to take a dump. That’s just rude.  You’re in there with your buddy, trying to find the perfect angle for your picture, meanwhile the guy in the back is trying to have a nice, peaceful morning poop.  You’re going to give him stress constipation, man!

pooping 1

Pick a nice bathroom to take a picture of. I’ve seen so many bathroom pics on dating profiles that I’m becoming quite the bathroom connoisseur.  Some people take pics in really nice bathrooms!

maybe public 1 nice public 1 nice public 2

Look at that tile work!  And those color schemes!  And those mirrors!!!!  I’m going to take notes for when I redo my bathroom in the spring.

Don’t involve your innocent, little kitty into your twisted world of potty selfies.  Need I say more?

with cat

So those are my rules for potty selfies.  Learn them and follow them.  And now I leave you with my absolute favorite bathroom selfie ever.  Enjoy it, because there are no words.

best one

Bad Boys, Bad Boys. Whatcha gonna do?

They say that girls like bad boys.  If that’s true then I guess I’m an exception to the rule.  I don’t like bad boys.  They don’t turn me on.  I only started liking Darryl on The Walking Dead after they showed that he had a soft side.  So when guys try to be all tough on their profiles, all I have to say is “pass”.  And I just don’t understand the offensive pictures.  What’s that supposed to show, exactly?  Ok class, cue the first slide!


Giving yourself the finger totally takes away the lameness of taking a selfie in your car.  Yeah, totally.  You nailed it, ‘brah.


Oh, so you’re saying your friends are idiots too?  Good to know.  Plus, you are obviously a great role model for little kids.


Photographer: “Ok, dude.  Now put your hand in your pocket so you can look casual.  Hmmm.. something’s missing in this picture.  Oh, I know!  Flip the bird!  It’s brings the whole composition together.”


Know how you can add that touch of class to your “fuck you” picture?  Stick your middle finger up your nose.  Voila!  Class!


This guy must have graduated from the same school of manners as “What’s your ass up to” and “Turd Burglar”.


Are you going to tell me that you didn’t notice the guy doing that gesture in the background of your picture?  Please.  Way to slip that one in.  No pun intended.

The lesson learned today is that if you don’t want to come over as a complete douche, put your hands down.  And your pants up.  But that’s another post for another day 😛

What’s in a Name?

What is in a name?  Well, if you are online dating, a screen name can reveal a lot about a person.  It is difficult sometimes to pick a screen name, especially when you’ve already tried 3 different names and they are all already taken.  I’ve been there myself.  But you really need to be careful when you finally settle on one.  There are many reasons why the name you chose might be the wrong one.  Sometimes just the profile name alone will keep me from even looking at the profile itself! Let’s take a look at some examples.


Just what I’ve been looking for!  A lonely stoner!  This guy really sounds like a catch.  420?  Yeah, that’s original.  Pot heads just looooove it.  Thanks for reminding me that what you are doing is illegal in most states.  69.  Again, how original.  Guys love to include the number 69 in their profile name.  These guys are probably the same ones that would insult me on our date and punch me in the arm to show that they are interested.  Moving on.


Is that supposed to be intriguing?  Are you trying to be all mysterious?  If you aren’t looking then why are you even on the dating site?  And why is your profile listed as “actively seeking a relationship”?  Ugh.  Make up your mind!  I hate guys who are indecisive.  Well I’ve made up my mind that I’m definitely not looking for you.  Oh, and there’s a “g” in looking, FYI.


Really???  Why are guys so obsessed with their penises????  That’s really TMI and I haven’t even looked at your profile yet.  Can we at least keep some things a mystery?  At least until after the first date?


This makes me think you have a third nipple.  Sorry.


You’re Prince Charmin?  Does that mean you are the heir to the Charmin toilet paper fortune?  Cause that’s the only reason I’d go out with a guy who is a Tower of Silence.  How boring would it be to just sit there in complete silence?  Yeah, right.  Anybody who knows me knows it wouldn’t be complete silence.  But still, I’d rather have someone to talk with instead of someone to talk to.


No, but you know what is dead?  People’s ability to spell.  And proof read.

cincere 1 cinsere 2

I “cincerely” hope you guys are joking.


Let’s forget for a moment that he actually misspelled handsomely.  But can you really be handsomely hot?  I feel like you can only be one or the other, no?  Besides, I hate people who choose flattering descriptions of their looks.  Shouldn’t it be me who decides that you are handsome or hot instead of being told that you are? Oh, who are we kidding?  I can’t forget that he spelled it wrong.


Last but not least, this one just makes me giggle every time I see it.  😛

Satan? Is that you?

As you’ve no doubt gathered from my blog, there are quite the characters in online dating.  Some of the profiles I’ll be sharing with you shortly feature some famous characters.  ***DISCLAIMER*** If you are easily offended at religious humor, you might want to skip this one.

Who knew Satan was online dating?  Well, if you have read my title page, it’s not a surprise.  I knew.  Yup.

feed your soul

There he is!  At least he’s not using that tired old “Is it hot in here or is it just you?” line.  This guy brings a whole new meaning to the term “soul mate”.  But seriously Satan, it clearly says in my profile not to call me Izzy.  I could have dealt with the soul sucking.  But using a not approved nickname?  That’s just evil.

black satan

Ah, a nice shot of your house.  I bet if this winter is as bad as I think it’s going to be, I’m going to be messaging this guy just so I can get nice and toasty.  Hell: a nice place to visit when your house is snowed in.  I’ll send you all some postcards!


Even with the face blurred, I know exactly who this guy is.  I mean, come on.  The crown of thorns?  The stigmata?  The TOGA?  Total give away, Jesus!  Guess you just couldn’t let Satan get all the girls, huh?  But hey, I might go out with this guy.  I mean, he turns water into wine!  That’s a cheap date right there!  Although I think I’d get a little intimidated when it got to the “meet the parents” stage.  God is super hard to impress.


Now this one throws me for a loop.  You’ve got Osama Bin Laden as the Virgin Mary and then some random guy as baby Jesus.  I’m got no words.  Ok, I’ve got some words.  They’re mostly: huuuuuuhhhhh???  and WTF.  Who sees this picture on their feed and think “I want to date this guy”?  I guess you can give him points for artistic creativity?  I’m sure there’s an art gallery in some hipster part of Philly or New York with an exhibition that’s got nothing but pictures like this.  And there’s a guy standing there next to this picture.  He’s wearing a beret and glasses even though he’s got 20/20 vision.  He’s explaining to this girl that he made this picture to depict his rebellion against the government.  And cover ups.  And Jesus.  And of course, Big Brother.  Yeah.  I don’t want to date that guy.  Or Satan.  Or Jesus.  Or the corpse of Osama Bin Laden.  Or the Virgin Mary for that matter.

Watch Out! Here comes the Grammar Police!

Anybody who knows me, knows that I’m a bit of a grammar Nazi.  Ok, maybe a lot.  One of the most cringe-worthy things about online dating (other than some creepy pictures and fetishes) is the spelling and grammar.  I truly worry for the state of the future if this is a true reflection of the population. But I’m ok with breaking some grammar rules.  I mean, I tend to use fragment sentences.  All the time.  And I start sentences with “and”.  And “but”.  And “because”.  But, really???  You’re trying to make a good impression here.  You couldn’t be bothered to spell check?  Let’s take a look at some of these train wrecks, shall we?

don't bothers

First of all, that extra little “i” didn’t just stick out at you like a sore thumb?  It just pops right out, like “Hey!  I don’t belong here!”  And why can’t people get the difference between your and you’re?  YOU’RE 37, dude.  You should have figured it out by now.  Well, I definitely won’t “bothers” this guy.  That’s for damn sure.  Next.


Oh, dear.  Where’d you get that GED from?  A box of Cracker Jacks?  I think you should demand a refund.  Try Hooked on Phonics.  It worked for me!  Next.


How smart can this guy actually be if he misspelled “smarter”?  You know what’s working smarter and not harder?  Using spell check to find typos.  Next.


Where shall I start?  First of all, there’s this little thing called punctuation.  You should use it.  And hasn’t anybody ever told you that all caps means you’re yelling?  No?  Well, either way, it looks bad.  I know that these days, using “was” instead of “were” like in the above “thought you was pretty” is acceptable.  Well, it’s not.  You may not bite gRreatguyy1111, but spelling and grammar like that makes me want to rip your throat out with my teeth.  Next.

god looking

This guy’s headline is a little confusing.  Are you a “good guy” who can’t spell or are you a very religious man?  And what exactly are you looking for?  A date?  God?  Next.

god sense

Here’s another religious guy!  He’s got a god sense of humor!  Does that mean striking people down?  Sending plagues?  Cause both those things are hilarious!  This guy also never learned about punctuation.  He also didn’t get the memo on capitalization.  Maybe he got his GED from the same place as the guy from earlier.  Oh, and the entering of random characters because you’re too lazy to fill out your profile to the minimum required?  That’s hot.  Next.


This one’s pretty confusing too.  It seems like he just stuck in a bunch of random letters, but then he comes out with a fancy word like “drudgery”.  Did that just happen by accident?  Is this a case of just lucky auto correcting?  I keep coming back to this one, thinking it must be a code of some kind.  Where’s the guy from The DaVinci Code when you need him?  Next.


Now, I feel a little bad about including this guy in this post.  Clearly, English is not his first language.  But if you want to be a writer, don’t you think you’d be a little bit more careful about what you write?  Even in another language?  Couldn’t you have someone who speaks it better than you help you out?  Maybe I only put this picture on here because I have the sense of humor of an elementary school kid because I giggle every time I see “fanny” and “gaz” in this picture.  😛  Next.


If you’re going to use a quote on your profile to make yourself look smart, important or knowledgeable, you might want to make sure you have that quote correct.  It’s called Google and Wikipedia.  I have personally used this quote before: “He who stands for nothing will fall for anything.” I honestly never knew who said it.  But guess what?  I googled it!  And discovered it was from Alexander Hamilton.  And I also learned that Malcolm X also used that quote.  BOOM.  Mind blown. See what happens when you do a little research? Next and final.


Dude!  You can’t just add an extra step!  Seriously.  WTF. Ugh!

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