Dating is Hell

…and I've already heard Satan's pick up line

Archive for the category “Ridiculous Dates”

“…of course, in every dragon myth half the problem is the princess.” Sarah Dunant 

I will admit that this blog is very one sided. Reading it, you might think that the majority of guys suck. A lot of them do, I’m not denying that, but like they say, it takes two to tango. My single status is just as much my fault as it is the guy’s fault. I am far from perfect. I’m extremely independent. I can be a little too intense. I’m a know-it-all. And last but certainly not least: I suffer from verbal diarrhea when I’m nervous. For the first time, I will be sharing a dating story where I’m the one who put the hell in “Dating is Hell”. 

I matched with a guy on Bumble. We had some great conversations and he was able to keep up with my witty banter. He was pretty much perfect for me, at least on paper. He was a liberal, atheist, vegetarian who didn’t want kids. He wasn’t bothered by the fact that I wore an arm sling on our first date and that I had to order food that could be eaten using only one hand (it’s a long story). 

Our first two dates went well. Our third date was a little while coming due to my being out of the country, my insane work schedule, and his commitments to friends/family. We finally had a time when we were both free: Saturday from 11am-1pm. I suggested that we take our dogs for a hike. Oh, did I not mention he had a dog? Check that item off the “perfect boyfriend” list. That morning, after working 53 hours in 5 days, I woke up with a sore throat. I would be damned if I was to cancel this date! So I went anyway. When we met at the trail head, I told him I wasn’t going to hug him because I was coming down with a cold. So date three and there was to be no touching? He didn’t seem disappointed in any way but I’m sure he wasn’t thrilled to know that I was A.) most likely not going to hug/kiss him and B.) germ infested.

In any case, we start the hike in good spirits. There were quite a few mosquitoes out and we were talking about how we would have to check for ticks after the walk. I asked him if his dog was on flea and tick preventatives year round. He says no, that she’s only on them during the summer. There’s an alarm going off in my brain. My inner voice says: don’t do it! Don’t lecture him about flea and tick preventatives! That’s a sure-fire way to annoy someone. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I only had his dog’s best interest in mind though! She was just so cute and I didn’t want her to get a tick borne disease!!! So it happened. The verbal diarrhea. The word vomit. I told him all about the tick life cycle and the diseases they transmit and why his dog needs to be on preventatives year-round. Basically the only person who could be turned on by this would be my flea and tick preventatives rep (hey girl!). 

“Ok,” I tell myself. “It’s over and done with. Let’s just move on.” But no. It’s not. He brings up heartworm preventatives. “She’s not on that year round either???” Oh boy. Here comes another bout of diarrhea. One of the dogs I adopted turned out to be positive for heartworms. The treatment is expensive and super painful. It broke my heart to see my usually hyperactive and friendly dog hunker down in the back of a cage in pain. So cue up the slides, we’re on to lecture #2! Maybe I should hire someone to follow me around on dates and slap me in the face when I start doing this crap!

Moving right along… we are on a trail called “Hidden Pond”. At this point we had been walking for a while and had yet to see any signs of a pond. And then we hear it: “I hear a frog, we must be getting close!” He says “yeah, that was either a frog or a goose.” “DON’T DO IT!!!!” yells the little voice in my head. “KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!!! And do I? Of course not. Verbal diarrhea can be like actual diarrhea: sometimes you just can’t keep it in. “Actually, that is a frog, not a goose. I took herpetology in college.” 🤦🏻‍♀️ Oh yeah. I did it. I went there. 

Awesome. Just awesome. At this point it’s pretty hot out and we’re sweating. I’m starting to think the whole “hidden pond” thing is a lie. The state park people have hidden speakers that play frog sounds to make you think you’re getting close but in reality there is no pond. Kind of like my dating skills. They do not exist.

The trail is narrow most of the way so we can’t walk side by side. There are frequent moments of silence. My mouth cannot abide that. It feels like I was put on this earth to kill all moments of silence. I MUST KILL THE SILENCE (unless we’re watching a movie, in which case, quit your yapping before I cut you). So really it’s not my fault. It’s my destiny. You can’t fight destiny. 

Honestly, I don’t remember most of the stuff I yammered on about. All I can remember is sweating my ass off and being unable to stop talking. The more I talked, the more nervous I got, so the more I talked. It’s a vicious cycle indeed.

Back at our cars at the end of our hike (the pond was never found, by the way) we each give our dogs water to drink and we stand in silence. Ugh! What to do now?!?! The phlegm from my burgeoning cold has increased so I can’t even go in for a hug to bring this disaster to an end. I might not even have done that were I healthy because of the sweat. I pet his dog and talk to her. He remains silent. There’s literally crickets. I decide to just put myself out of my misery and say my goodbyes. 

So far, we’ve continued to text here and there. To say that the conversations have been lackluster is an understatement. He doesn’t seem like he’s dying to see me again, and I can’t say I blame him. Cue the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Play it on repeat. 

So maybe the moral of this tale is that I just need to find the Imodium to my verbal diarrhea. I think I’ll include that in my dating profile… just kidding. Maybe. 


Geek Speed Dating

Oh yes, you read that right.  Geek speed dating.  Let me start by giving you a little background information.  For her birthday, my best friend’s husband bought her tickets to a Comic Con.  He, having no interest in geek/nerd matters, asked if I would go with her.  Given my love of all things zombie, outer space-y, and Joss Whedon-y, it was a no brainer.  Of course I’d go with her!  While my bestie and I were looking over the list of events, we saw that they offered speed dating.  Which, for a Comic Con, is without a doubt, geek speed dating.  She suggested that I attend.  I had tried speed dating before (albeit, minus the pre-requisite geekiness), and I did not really enjoy it.  So I told her I was going to skip it.  Well, the first day of the Comic Con arrived.  We went to a panel, walked by the vendors and celebrity row, and during all this, we repeatedly saw people with signs for geek speed dating.  My bestie again suggested that I go.  Finally, deciding that the next panel my bestie wanted to go to did not interest me that much, I signed up for it.  It was literally 5 minutes before the start.  I was the last person to sign up so the host escorted me to the room where the speed dating would take place.  This was way more organized than the speed dating I had attended before!  The guys were kept waiting outside the room while the girls were taken right in.  As I walk in and look around the room, I notice that I am BY FAR the oldest chick in there.  Uh oh.  This is NOT a good sign.  All the girls look like they are in their early 20s if not younger!!!  Abort!  Abort!  But it’s too late, I’m already in the room with the door closed behind me.  After the fact, I did find out that one girl was only 5 years younger than me, so not THAT bad, right?  Right?!?!?!  Well, I immediately start worrying that all the guys will be totally inappropriately aged for me.  I try not to panic.  The host (who happens to be dressed up as Starlord – hot) comes in and says he went over the rules with the guys and now it was our turn.  The whole thing was actually put together with people’s safety in mind, which I do appreciate (hand knitted scarf, anyone?).  All participants were given a “name tag” which was a letter and a number.  No names were to be used.  There was no touching allowed, including hand shakes.  They gave you an index card to make notes so you would remember who was who (eg. M14 had a beard and was wearing a hat).  The host then said that if at any time the guy did anything to make us uncomfortable, we were supposed to pretend to stretch our arms, at which point the host would make eye contact with us and if we nodded, then he would immediately kick the guy out, no questions asked.  At first I thought, that’s really smart!  I appreciate how much thought they put in to safety.  My second thought was, why the hell do they need all those precautions anyway?!?!  Sad to say, there are some messed up people in this world.  In any case, let’s move along to the fun stuff.  The guys.  Instructions over, the host escorts the guys in.  Yup.  Babies.  There was maybe one guy who was around my age.  The rest of them looked like they were walking into their senior English class at school.  Yikes. The guys take their seats across from the girls.  The “dates” commence.  These were all the longest 3 minutes of my life.  First guy up, nervous as anything.  I’m worried he’s going to wet himself.  He barely makes eye contact, and has a nervous laughter.  And he laughs at the end of each sentence he says.  Ugh.  Next, guy seems a little bit older.  College freshman, maybe?  Very nice, doesn’t seem nervous.  We discuss Star Wars.  I try to keep the conversation completely flirt-free because I feel totally skeevy even being there.  We’re not even talking cougar status here.  It’s more like statutory rape status.  I’m totally uncomfortable.  So what do I do?  I start making jokes.  The host is sitting across the room from me and I’m pretty sure he knows exactly what’s going on in my head.  He laughs at my jokes too and gives me an understanding look.  Are we done yet?  Next guy.  Woo hoo!  He’s gotta be around my age!  But he’s definitely not my type.  Not so woo hoo.  More like boo hoo.  We talk about what we came to the Comic Con to see and we get on the subject of Power Rangers.  He mentions his appreciation for the show.  I tell him that I loved the original Power Rangers… because I love cheesy TV shows and movies.  No offense to you guy, if you think Power Rangers rival Shakespeare in their writing and have visual effects that rival any Michael Bay movie.  Thinking I may have insulted him, I try to cover up my mishap by telling him that I totally had a crush on the blue Ranger.  And he says, oh well then I have some bad news for you.  Huh?  What bad news?  He tells me the blue Ranger is gay.  Uh… so what?  I can still have a crush on a gay guy!  And like his being gay is what is keeping us from getting married and living happily ever after.  “I totally thought I had a chance with him, but now that I know he’s gay, I don’t have a chance.”  WTF, dude.  Now it’s his turn to try to steer the subject away and he tells me that he had a crush on the Pink Ranger, but she’s married and has a kid.  Then he leans over to me and stage whispers: “Not that that would stop me.”  NEXT!!!!!  Three minutes HAVE to be up, now.  They.  Have.  To.  Be.  And they are.  Next guy also seems closer to my age.  He is dressed up in a riddler costume from Batman, including face mask.  Here’s one thing they should add to those rules: no face masks allowed during speed dating!  I mean, if you’re not willing to take your mask off for the speed dating, you gotta be hiding something.  Guy sits down.  I say hello.  Nothing from him.  I ask “so you must like riddles, huh?”.  “Yeah.” …long pause… dark, creepy eyes leering at me from the mask… still not saying anything…  I honestly don’t even remember what I talked about I was so put off by him.  And I don’t even know what he said because he was basically whispering the entire time and I was unwilling to lean in closer to hear.  Technically, he had not done anything warranting a good old arm stretch.  But his whole vibe was of a maladjusted awkward man-child who lives in his parents’ basement.  Next!  Now the next four dates were basically interchangeable.  They were four friends that were in town for the weekend from Idaho.  IDAHO.  I’m still unclear as to what brought them to my neck of the woods.  A work thing for one of them?  Or all of them?  A high school wrestling match?  Glee club competition?  Who the fuck knows.  I was barely listening to them at this point.  I just wanted to get the hell out of there.  I hadn’t even taken any notes during the whole thing.  What was the point?  The host now explains how the next part works.  The girls and guys go to opposite sides of the room.  Each individual puts their letter/number combo at the top of a blank piece of paper.  We then switch sides and look for the paper that has the letter/number combo of the person we are interested in dating.  If you are interested in that individual, you put your first name and either phone number or email.  Guess how many papers I put my info on?  If you said none, you would be wrong.  One of the girls who was doing the speed dating was also a volunteer for the event and she put a paper out for the host (Starlord).  He was nice, and funny, and not a child, so I thought, why not?  The host then asked the boys to leave first (so there would be no awkward accosting right outside the room).  As soon as the guys were out, all the girls start exclaiming “The Riddler!!!!”  I was not the only one who found him uber-creepy.  Even the host was like, “yeah, that guy was not right.”  And now can you guess who put their name and email address on my paper?  Can you solve that little riddle?  That’s right.  The Riddler.  Shudder.

FYI, Starlord did not email me.  Sigh.

Some Guys Never Outgrow the “If He’s Mean to You it Means He Likes You” Mentality

I’ve been accused of coming on too strong before.  So for a while there, I decided to back off and let the guys ask me out.  I would be talking to these guys for weeks, and they either got bored or they got serious with someone else in the meantime and had to stop chatting with me.  After a guy I really liked told me he was now in an exclusive relationship with another girl, I thought: “Screw it!  Next guy I start talking to, I’m going to ask him out right away.”  That turned out not to be a great game plan either.  Surprise, surprise.  But I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Next guy comes along, we chat for a day or two.  He seems nice, I ask him out.  We make plans to meet for drinks at my favorite sushi restaurant.  When I got there, he was already sitting at the bar.  We say our hellos and he tells me he’s already ordered some food for us to share.  Most people would not get annoyed by this, however, I’m kind of a picky eater so I don’t like other people ordering for me.  I also don’t like it because it makes me feel like we’re back to before the women’s rights movement.  Dude, I can vote now.  Let me order my own food.  Geez. Anyway, we get to chatting and I ask him what he does for a living.  He pompously describes his job with the government (I don’t even remember what it was, just that he was very “I’m so cool.  I’m so important.”).  He then tells me that his sister also works for the government and that he doesn’t even know what she actually does because it’s top secret but only that “she gets very tense when she’s in a room with foreigners”.  Trying to lighten the mood I jokingly said “well it’s a good thing she’s not here because I’m actually a foreigner!”  He asks me where I’m from, and I tell him Canada.  He then proceeds to spend the next 5 minutes telling Canadian jokes.  At that point, I just turn my attention to the food and my drink.  He finally realizes that I’m not enjoying his oh-so-original humor.  (For clarity’s sake I’ve put his lines in blue and mine in green.)

“What? You don’t think that’s funny?”
“Well, after living here for 15 years, I’ve heard it all before.”
[very rudely] “You’ve lived here for 15 years?  You can’t really call yourself a Canadian then.”
[getting angry] “It’s not like I’m going around, shouting at the top of my voice that I’m Canadian and wearing a maple leaf on my shirt.  It just came up in the conversation!!!”


He decides to change the conversation.  

“So what do you do for fun?”
“I like to read.  I like to have movie nights or game nights with my friends.”
[snorts] “THAT’S what you like to do for fun???”
[angry again] “Well what do YOU like to do for fun?”
“I play an online sustenance farming game with some friends in San Francisco.”
[What the hell does that mean?  He’s playing Farmville???] “Oh so THAT’S ok to do for fun, but not game nights and movie nights???”


At this point, I should have just cut my losses.  But ever a glutton for punishment, I stay.  

“Something else I like to do is knit.  I’ve got a scarf in my car that I knitted.  Do you want to go see it?”
“Uh no!!!!!  Just ignore the smell of chloroform!!!”
“No, it’s not like that!  It’s just that it was too warm for me to wear the scarf into the restaurant!”


“My friends and I had a dress up New Year’s Eve party.  I wore a top hat and tails.  Want to see pictures?”
[I can’t even be nice anymore] “No.”

We pay the bill and he walks me to my car.

“I had a good time tonight.”
[Are you kidding me????] “Well it sure was interesting.”

I get in my car and drive away.  No hug, no handshake, nothing.  I just want to get the hell out of there.  On the drive home I get a message from him:

“I meant what I said, I had a good time tonight.”
“Like I said, it was interesting.”

I’m amazed he didn’t punch me on the arm and accuse me of having cooties.



The Run In

I had made a new girlfriend at an existing friend’s party. We hit it off right away and she invited me to a get together a little while later. Even though she was going to be the only person I knew there, I accepted right away. When I arrived, there were about a dozen people milling about in the living room. My friend introduced me to everyone present. We were standing in somewhat of a circle. After the introductions, I addressed the room at large with a “nice to meet you”. One of the guys in the circle immediately says “We’ve already met.” I look over at him, total blank. I’m fairly certain I’ve never met this guy before. “We have?” I ask him. He says “well, sort of. We chatted on OkCupid for a little bit.” Still not ringing any bells. Everybody is just watching this interchange. “Oh? Um… and how did that turn out?” I jokingly ask. “Not well. You just stopped talking to me.” Everyone’s looking back and forth between us like they are watching a tennis match. <Nervous laugh> “Well, sorry about that. I get really busy with work and sometimes just forget to message people back.” In all seriousness, in front of all these people I just met, he says “That’s ok. You can make it up to me.” Lengthy pause. Everyone is looking at me for my response. All I can think to say is exactly what I’m thinking: “Well this is awkward.” At this time I finally remember who he is and remember that I stopped messaging him because he was just soooooo boring. Yeah, I’m not making anything up to this guy.

Throughout the night, he did not leave my side. In fact, at one point I was sitting on the couch and he sat on the floor next to it and leaned against my leg. Now, I’m not a touchy-feely person, even with people I know and love. For a relative stranger to touch me without permission is pretty much the biggest no-no. I try to move away from him as much as possible without making it seem obvious. But he just won’t let it go. He asks if I’ve seen a movie that just came out. I tell him no and he says “Maybe I can take you sometime.” I just can’t flat out say no, other people can hear our conversation! Besides, I have a hard time just saying no, I’m not interested. So I mention that I recently bought a house and just don’t have any spare money for going out. “Oh, I can pay for you!” He gleefully replies. Ugh. “Um… we’ll see.”

By the time I get home from the party and check my phone, he’s already friend requested me on Facebook. Not wanting to be mean, I accepted. I report to my friend that he friend requested me DURING the party. Apparently trying to up his romantic chances, she tells me he’s also friend requested another girl from the party at the same time. I feel so special.

A week later, he asks me to dinner. Seeing as we are finally not in a public setting, I tell him that I’m just not interested in him that way. He doesn’t reply, but he does unfriend me right away…

Am I Being Filmed for a Romantic Comedy?

This was the first guy I went out with that I met online.  Our first date went well and we quickly made plans to go out again.  It felt like I was in a movie. Like these things couldn’t possibly happen in real life. But it did. It happened to me. We had gone bowling, which was pretty fun (although I suck and always end up with a hurt wrist because I’m incapable of not twisting my wrist when throwing the ball. Arrrrrrgggg!). Afterwards we went to a bar for some darts (which I don’t suck at). A good time was being had. But then again, that’s always how it turns out in the movies, right? We walk back to his apartment. My hand in the crook of his arm, and I just can’t seem to get our steps to match up. I’m trying really hard. Pan the camera to his face, just blabbing away about god knows what. Pan the camera to my face, scrunched up in concentration. Walk a little faster, nope doesn’t help. Slow down a little. Nope. Our shoulders keep bumping as we continue to walk at this awkward, unruly pace. He appears not to notice that anything is amiss. Fast forward to making out on his couch. Ok, not bad. But then he moves down to my neck. And starts flicking his tongue back and forth like a snake! And since I’ve dealt with a lot of reptiles in my life (the animal kind, not the human kind), I can just picture it. Flicking in and out and tickling my neck. I’m trying really hard not to start giggling. And he just keeps doing it. I just can’t take it anymore. I stop him with some lame excuse about having the get up early tomorrow (yeah, girls use that line too). Unfortunately, I can’t just say my goodbyes and leave. I’m parked in a vacant lot behind his building. In Philly. And it’s 2 am. I ask him to walk me to my car. When we get there, I open my car door and throw my purse in. I turn to say goodnight and before I know it, he’s pushed me up against the car to kiss me in this grand, romantic gesture. Problem. Car door is open. I end up falling half in to the car and in the process bang the back of my head on the roof while my nose goes smashing into his cheek bone. He starts apologizing profusely as I hold the back of my head and my nose all the while chanting “Ow. Ow. Ow.” like a song. It’s then that I sense that we aren’t alone. I look over to my left to see a homeless man watching the unfolding scene with a smirk on his face. He sees me looking in his direction so he says “Oh, sorry. I was just looking for some place to pee.” End scene.  And end of that guy.

Post Navigation