Dating is Hell

…and I've already heard Satan's pick up line

Archive for the category “Uncategorized”

Prime Time

Age is just a number, right? In the dating world, that's not really true. Or at least in my world it's not! Dating in your 20s is much different than dating in your mid to late 30s. Back in my 20s, dating was a little more fun and carefree. Did I care what he did for a living? Nope. Did I care whether or not he wanted children? Absolutely not. Did I need to know his last name? Well maybe… but not necessarily. Now it's all about: does he have a good job? Does he want children? Does he still live with roommates or <gasp> his parents?

Back in my 20s there was the false confidence of makeup, tight outfits, high heels, and alcohol. That's now been replaced with the true fears of getting older, thinking I'm no longer in my prime, my body no longer fitting into tight outfits, and no longer being able to hold my liquor. I don't even really know when all that changed. Actually, it probably changed around the time my friends started getting married. There were fewer and fewer trips to bars and clubs where all you did was exchange numbers with a hot guy and more and more of dating websites where you had to fill out a checklist of what you want. Not to mention all the birthdays that have passed since I was in the bar scene. It's "grown up" dating now. I feel like I have to know more about my potential date, more about the kids thing, and what job they have, and what their living situation is because at this age, I don't want to waste my time or someone else's. But when I see the profile of a cute guy that has similar interests but it also says "looking to settle down and start a family", I'm automatically swiping left. Then a little voice in my head scolds me because isn't that the whole point of dating? But why, exactly? Do I even want to get married? A wedding? Hell yes. A marriage? Hmmm…. maybe not. The thing with being a chronically single person is that you get used to your independence and being "selfish". Do I want to share half of my closet with someone? Not really. Do I want to share a bed with someone who moves around a lot, steals the blankets, and snores? Honestly? No. Do I want someone making noise when I want some quiet time? I'll fucking cut you. Do I want someone to have dinner ready for me when I get home after working 12-14 hours? Abso-fucking-lutely. So maybe I want a personal chef more than a husband. But then again… Do I want to have the fuzzy-butterflies in the stomach-can't stop smiling-true love? Sigh. Yeeeeaaaahhhh. I've read too many trashy romances and watched too many sappy romantic movies to not want it.

So I have a little voice in my mind telling me I shouldn't still be single. So what? Well there's also pressure from friends and family. Not totally on purpose pressure, but pressure nonetheless. When you're single in your 20s you're: having fun! Not ready to settle down! Playing the field! When you're single in your late 30s you are: dating a married man! Too picky! An old maid! A lesbian! THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD WHO IS STILL SINGLE! Some people might never have thought these things about me but others definitely have. I'm going to take a few minutes to address these:

  • Dating a married man: just because you haven't heard me talking about a boyfriend or dating in general does not mean I'm dating a married man and thus cannot discuss it. There's either nothing to discuss or I just don't feel like discussing it.
  • Too picky: it's possible. But I'm not giving up my independence for anything less than perfection and true love!!! (Audience groans). Ok, ok. How about imperfections I can live with and love that I think will last? Is that better?
  • An old maid: I did have a whole Twitter thread with myself about how if we were in the olden days when an old maid was actually a thing, I'd be rocking it.

Truth be told, being an old maid and not having the right to vote and getting polio or the plague and being stuck in the 1800s is actually NOT better than going to a wedding sans date. The wedding in question was beautiful, the food was good, and the music was perfect. Oh, and my table totally won the dance off . Now where was I? Oh yes…

  • A lesbian: seeing as how you are born gay, why is it that people only think I'm a lesbian when I'm getting a little long in the tooth but am still single? It's kind of insulting to the lesbians, don't you think? You're making it seem like only lesbians are old and unmarried. Seeing as how I know a bunch of lesbians and most of them are married, I think it's safe to say that "being single" doesn't equal "being gay". And I'd like to think that if I was gay, I'd be out and proud by now.
  • THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD WHO IS SINGLE: Oh yeah. I feel this one a lot. Did you happen to catch the part in my Twitter old maid rant that my youngest cousin just got married? And that's my mom's side of the family. On my dad's side, my youngest cousin has been married for years. I also recently went to a BBQ at my best friend's house and I was literally the only single adult person there. LITERALLY. So yeah, even though I know this is far from the truth, I still feel alone being single when all my friends are married.

What conclusion can we come to? Am I ok with being alone for the rest of my life? Sometimes. Do I desperately want to get married? Sometimes. But sometimes I feel like I'm still in my prime, my biological clock is non-existent (thank god), and it's ok if I have no idea what I want. I'll figure it out eventually… or not.

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Geek Speed Dating

Oh yes, you read that right.  Geek speed dating.  Let me start by giving you a little background information.  For her birthday, my best friend’s husband bought her tickets to a Comic Con.  He, having no interest in geek/nerd matters, asked if I would go with her.  Given my love of all things zombie, outer space-y, and Joss Whedon-y, it was a no brainer.  Of course I’d go with her!  While my bestie and I were looking over the list of events, we saw that they offered speed dating.  Which, for a Comic Con, is without a doubt, geek speed dating.  She suggested that I attend.  I had tried speed dating before (albeit, minus the pre-requisite geekiness), and I did not really enjoy it.  So I told her I was going to skip it.  Well, the first day of the Comic Con arrived.  We went to a panel, walked by the vendors and celebrity row, and during all this, we repeatedly saw people with signs for geek speed dating.  My bestie again suggested that I go.  Finally, deciding that the next panel my bestie wanted to go to did not interest me that much, I signed up for it.  It was literally 5 minutes before the start.  I was the last person to sign up so the host escorted me to the room where the speed dating would take place.  This was way more organized than the speed dating I had attended before!  The guys were kept waiting outside the room while the girls were taken right in.  As I walk in and look around the room, I notice that I am BY FAR the oldest chick in there.  Uh oh.  This is NOT a good sign.  All the girls look like they are in their early 20s if not younger!!!  Abort!  Abort!  But it’s too late, I’m already in the room with the door closed behind me.  After the fact, I did find out that one girl was only 5 years younger than me, so not THAT bad, right?  Right?!?!?!  Well, I immediately start worrying that all the guys will be totally inappropriately aged for me.  I try not to panic.  The host (who happens to be dressed up as Starlord – hot) comes in and says he went over the rules with the guys and now it was our turn.  The whole thing was actually put together with people’s safety in mind, which I do appreciate (hand knitted scarf, anyone?).  All participants were given a “name tag” which was a letter and a number.  No names were to be used.  There was no touching allowed, including hand shakes.  They gave you an index card to make notes so you would remember who was who (eg. M14 had a beard and was wearing a hat).  The host then said that if at any time the guy did anything to make us uncomfortable, we were supposed to pretend to stretch our arms, at which point the host would make eye contact with us and if we nodded, then he would immediately kick the guy out, no questions asked.  At first I thought, that’s really smart!  I appreciate how much thought they put in to safety.  My second thought was, why the hell do they need all those precautions anyway?!?!  Sad to say, there are some messed up people in this world.  In any case, let’s move along to the fun stuff.  The guys.  Instructions over, the host escorts the guys in.  Yup.  Babies.  There was maybe one guy who was around my age.  The rest of them looked like they were walking into their senior English class at school.  Yikes. The guys take their seats across from the girls.  The “dates” commence.  These were all the longest 3 minutes of my life.  First guy up, nervous as anything.  I’m worried he’s going to wet himself.  He barely makes eye contact, and has a nervous laughter.  And he laughs at the end of each sentence he says.  Ugh.  Next, guy seems a little bit older.  College freshman, maybe?  Very nice, doesn’t seem nervous.  We discuss Star Wars.  I try to keep the conversation completely flirt-free because I feel totally skeevy even being there.  We’re not even talking cougar status here.  It’s more like statutory rape status.  I’m totally uncomfortable.  So what do I do?  I start making jokes.  The host is sitting across the room from me and I’m pretty sure he knows exactly what’s going on in my head.  He laughs at my jokes too and gives me an understanding look.  Are we done yet?  Next guy.  Woo hoo!  He’s gotta be around my age!  But he’s definitely not my type.  Not so woo hoo.  More like boo hoo.  We talk about what we came to the Comic Con to see and we get on the subject of Power Rangers.  He mentions his appreciation for the show.  I tell him that I loved the original Power Rangers… because I love cheesy TV shows and movies.  No offense to you guy, if you think Power Rangers rival Shakespeare in their writing and have visual effects that rival any Michael Bay movie.  Thinking I may have insulted him, I try to cover up my mishap by telling him that I totally had a crush on the blue Ranger.  And he says, oh well then I have some bad news for you.  Huh?  What bad news?  He tells me the blue Ranger is gay.  Uh… so what?  I can still have a crush on a gay guy!  And like his being gay is what is keeping us from getting married and living happily ever after.  “I totally thought I had a chance with him, but now that I know he’s gay, I don’t have a chance.”  WTF, dude.  Now it’s his turn to try to steer the subject away and he tells me that he had a crush on the Pink Ranger, but she’s married and has a kid.  Then he leans over to me and stage whispers: “Not that that would stop me.”  NEXT!!!!!  Three minutes HAVE to be up, now.  They.  Have.  To.  Be.  And they are.  Next guy also seems closer to my age.  He is dressed up in a riddler costume from Batman, including face mask.  Here’s one thing they should add to those rules: no face masks allowed during speed dating!  I mean, if you’re not willing to take your mask off for the speed dating, you gotta be hiding something.  Guy sits down.  I say hello.  Nothing from him.  I ask “so you must like riddles, huh?”.  “Yeah.” …long pause… dark, creepy eyes leering at me from the mask… still not saying anything…  I honestly don’t even remember what I talked about I was so put off by him.  And I don’t even know what he said because he was basically whispering the entire time and I was unwilling to lean in closer to hear.  Technically, he had not done anything warranting a good old arm stretch.  But his whole vibe was of a maladjusted awkward man-child who lives in his parents’ basement.  Next!  Now the next four dates were basically interchangeable.  They were four friends that were in town for the weekend from Idaho.  IDAHO.  I’m still unclear as to what brought them to my neck of the woods.  A work thing for one of them?  Or all of them?  A high school wrestling match?  Glee club competition?  Who the fuck knows.  I was barely listening to them at this point.  I just wanted to get the hell out of there.  I hadn’t even taken any notes during the whole thing.  What was the point?  The host now explains how the next part works.  The girls and guys go to opposite sides of the room.  Each individual puts their letter/number combo at the top of a blank piece of paper.  We then switch sides and look for the paper that has the letter/number combo of the person we are interested in dating.  If you are interested in that individual, you put your first name and either phone number or email.  Guess how many papers I put my info on?  If you said none, you would be wrong.  One of the girls who was doing the speed dating was also a volunteer for the event and she put a paper out for the host (Starlord).  He was nice, and funny, and not a child, so I thought, why not?  The host then asked the boys to leave first (so there would be no awkward accosting right outside the room).  As soon as the guys were out, all the girls start exclaiming “The Riddler!!!!”  I was not the only one who found him uber-creepy.  Even the host was like, “yeah, that guy was not right.”  And now can you guess who put their name and email address on my paper?  Can you solve that little riddle?  That’s right.  The Riddler.  Shudder.

FYI, Starlord did not email me.  Sigh.

Oldie But A Goodie

This story was brought up at a get together tonight so I figured I’d share it on here. Why deprive you of my funnest moments, eh? The old school way of meeting new potential love interests is the friend set up. A few years ago, one of my friends decided to play matchmaker. She invited me over to play Cards Against Humanity along with a few others, one being a guy she thought I might hit it off with. Things went ok at first and everybody was having fun. A little background information on me is important to this story so here you have it: I’m originally from Canada and my whole family is French Canadian. I only spoke French until I was eight. My family’s primary language is French. Got the picture? Ok. So it’s my turn to read a card out loud. The card includes a French man’s name. I pronounce said name in French. Potential date guy decides to “correct” my pronunciation in an extremely condescending tone. I explain to him that this is the correct way to pronounce it, and the reason that I know this, is that I speak French and am French Canadian. Not only that, but that particular name just so happens to be MY FATHER’S NAME! He then proceeds to say that being French Canadian doesn’t mean that I’m actually French and that I know how to pronounce French words. As we’ve seen in previous posts, I do not respond well to guys being mean or insulting my heritage. I may have lost my cool a little bit. I ask him if he honestly thinks that my whole family pronounces my father’s name incorrectly.  I believe that he said something along the lines of “yes” but honestly I was so angry at that point that I don’t remember. I basically told him how rude he was and that I didn’t appreciate his insulting me but that I was not going to continue to discuss it as I would only get angrier and didn’t want to do something I would regret doing at a friend’s house (I was currently having visions of climbing over the table and slapping him in the face). After a little while, jerk-guy made his excuses and left. My friend says “well that wasn’t very successful”. Understatement of the year. My friend and I have since discovered that our taste in men is quite different. And I do believe that this is the last time she will ever attempt to play matchmaker with me.

Sex and the City

Sometimes my life resembles an episode of Sex and the City.  Because of all the fancy clothes?  The brunches? The Cosmopolitans?  The shoes? The sex?  Nope. The awkward dates.  Here’s my story.

I met a guy on OKC.  He was super cute and really nice.  We made plans to meet up for Happy Hour one afternoon.  We had agreed on 5pm but at around 3:30 that afternoon he texted me to say that he was getting out of work early and wanted to know if I could make it there by 4:30 instead.  I told him that I couldn’t be there before 4:45.  He says ok and I finish up getting ready.  I finished getting ready early so I texted him and told him I could make it at 4:30 after all.  He didn’t get that text so he ended up staying at work longer.  So needless to say, I got there before him.  I saved us a table and waited.  He didn’t get there until after 5!  For a while there, I thought I had been stood up but he did text me that he was on his way.  Now, I don’t know how the rest of the world greets their online dates but I never seen to know what to do.  Do you hug?  Do you shake hands?  Do you just nod? Well, I’m not a touchy feely person and I don’t like being hugged by strangers, so I usually try to do nothing but say hello.  So when he finally got there (after I’d been sitting by myself for half an hour feeling like a loser), I did not get up to greet him.  I just said hello and made a quip about him being late.  As it turns out, we had a great time and spent about two hours on that terrace, talking.  Now here’s where it gets really awkward.  As we get ready to leave, we both stand up and this happens:

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I was a good 5 inches taller than him!  I know he wasn’t expecting it either because I noticed his quick glance to my feet to check for heels.  There were no heels. I was wearing flats.  Again with the awkwardness, this time with a goodbye hug, which made it that much more obvious that I was taller than him.

I didn’t think I’d hear back from him, but I did!  I wrestled with the height issue for a little bit, but quickly got over it. We continued to chat and even went on two more dates.  But after a few more texts after the third date, he stopped messaging me.  Which is a shame because for a hot body like his, I’d have gladly traded in all my heels!  Sigh.

Deal Breakers

In searching for a partner, everyone has deal breakers, whether or not they even realize it.  Some people won’t date a smoker, or really short people, or people with crooked teeth, etc.  After frequently being sent messages on dating sites by men that I would never date, I decided to be completely up front and list my deal breakers at the beginning of my profile.  Why waste their time as well as mine?  So here they are, as listed in my profile (I’ve given a brief description of each in blue.  That part is not in my profile).

1.) Religion. I’m an Atheist and I’m pretty serious about it. Some people are Atheists and enjoy friendly debates about religion or are fine with dating someone who is a religious person. I, however, am not one of those people. I don’t want to debate it with you. If you are religious and all about church, I’m not here to stop you! I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you.

2.) Conservative Republican. I’m a pretty liberal Democrat. We’re just not going to get along. This is kind of similar to the religion issue. I want to be with someone who believes in the same things as me. Besides, this is as much for them as for me. I know I’m making a generalization here, but I don’t think there are many conservative Republicans out there dying to date a girl with a bunch of tattoos, a bunch of piercings, who doesn’t want kids and supports Planned Parenthood and NOW.  

3.) Kids. I’m sure they’re awesome but no thank you. And then I recently had to add this: And no, your kids are not the exception. I don’t want children. I don’t want other people’s children. And it’s not because I just “haven’t met the right kids yet”. I’ve met plenty of cool kids. I just don’t want them making up my family unit.

Ok, so some people reading this would be like, “Ok, those are legit reasons” whereas others probably think “WTF is wrong with her?!?!” These deal breakers are in no way intended to make people feel bad about themselves or their beliefs. It is merely what I believe and I put it out there so that some Catholic Republican with 5 kids looking for a wife to provide him with 5 more can just move along to the next profile without wasting his time. I’ve gotten some messages that say “Cool!  I’m down with all that”, I’ve gotten some who obviously didn’t read these deal breakers and merely looked at my pics, and I’ve gotten some messages from people who feel personally insulted by them.  Let’s take a gander at some of the fun ones, shall we?

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Why yes, your daughter is a deal breaker. Did you think I was just writing random stuff? Why do you feel the need to change the mind of a perfect stranger? Wouldn’t it just be easier to find someone who does like kids? And yes, I do like redheads, but not enough to change my deal breakers.

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Why shouldn’t I be picky? I’m trying to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I’m not settling. And, why would you bother messaging someone to tell them you WOULDN’T get along? Just move on to the next profile. Geez!

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This is the profile of a guy who messaged me.  Please to note “the six things I could never do without”. Number 1: God. Deal breaker. Number 4: Faith. Isn’t that kind of like #1? No matter. Deal breaker. Number 5: My Kids. Seriously? Those are three things that I could never do WITH. Thank you, move along.

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Ok, fine. But I’m not looking for more friends. I’m not going to bother with replying.

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Wait, what? You’re just really trying for a response from me, aren’t you?

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I have serious doubts that you read or enjoyed my profile. If you had actually read my profile, as a father of two, you probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much.

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Dude. Are you just going around sending form letters to everyone on the app? You might want to keep track of who you already sent messages to. Just a suggestion.

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Oh, did I forget to mention that bad grammar and spelling is also a deal breaker?  😉

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