Dating is Hell

…and I've already heard Satan's pick up line

Archive for the tag “profiles”

Deal Breakers

In searching for a partner, everyone has deal breakers, whether or not they even realize it.  Some people won’t date a smoker, or really short people, or people with crooked teeth, etc.  After frequently being sent messages on dating sites by men that I would never date, I decided to be completely up front and list my deal breakers at the beginning of my profile.  Why waste their time as well as mine?  So here they are, as listed in my profile (I’ve given a brief description of each in blue.  That part is not in my profile).

1.) Religion. I’m an Atheist and I’m pretty serious about it. Some people are Atheists and enjoy friendly debates about religion or are fine with dating someone who is a religious person. I, however, am not one of those people. I don’t want to debate it with you. If you are religious and all about church, I’m not here to stop you! I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you.

2.) Conservative Republican. I’m a pretty liberal Democrat. We’re just not going to get along. This is kind of similar to the religion issue. I want to be with someone who believes in the same things as me. Besides, this is as much for them as for me. I know I’m making a generalization here, but I don’t think there are many conservative Republicans out there dying to date a girl with a bunch of tattoos, a bunch of piercings, who doesn’t want kids and supports Planned Parenthood and NOW.  

3.) Kids. I’m sure they’re awesome but no thank you. And then I recently had to add this: And no, your kids are not the exception. I don’t want children. I don’t want other people’s children. And it’s not because I just “haven’t met the right kids yet”. I’ve met plenty of cool kids. I just don’t want them making up my family unit.

Ok, so some people reading this would be like, “Ok, those are legit reasons” whereas others probably think “WTF is wrong with her?!?!” These deal breakers are in no way intended to make people feel bad about themselves or their beliefs. It is merely what I believe and I put it out there so that some Catholic Republican with 5 kids looking for a wife to provide him with 5 more can just move along to the next profile without wasting his time. I’ve gotten some messages that say “Cool!  I’m down with all that”, I’ve gotten some who obviously didn’t read these deal breakers and merely looked at my pics, and I’ve gotten some messages from people who feel personally insulted by them.  Let’s take a gander at some of the fun ones, shall we?

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Why yes, your daughter is a deal breaker. Did you think I was just writing random stuff? Why do you feel the need to change the mind of a perfect stranger? Wouldn’t it just be easier to find someone who does like kids? And yes, I do like redheads, but not enough to change my deal breakers.

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Why shouldn’t I be picky? I’m trying to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I’m not settling. And, why would you bother messaging someone to tell them you WOULDN’T get along? Just move on to the next profile. Geez!

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This is the profile of a guy who messaged me.  Please to note “the six things I could never do without”. Number 1: God. Deal breaker. Number 4: Faith. Isn’t that kind of like #1? No matter. Deal breaker. Number 5: My Kids. Seriously? Those are three things that I could never do WITH. Thank you, move along.

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Ok, fine. But I’m not looking for more friends. I’m not going to bother with replying.

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Wait, what? You’re just really trying for a response from me, aren’t you?

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I have serious doubts that you read or enjoyed my profile. If you had actually read my profile, as a father of two, you probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much.

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Dude. Are you just going around sending form letters to everyone on the app? You might want to keep track of who you already sent messages to. Just a suggestion.

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Oh, did I forget to mention that bad grammar and spelling is also a deal breaker?  😉

Potty Selfie

Sorry it’s been so long between posts, my dear readers!  I’ve still got lots to blog about, I just need the time and motivation!  So without further ado, I give you the first post of the year: TOILETS!!!!

People put a lot of selfies on their dating profiles.  That’s totally ok.  Some people take those selfies in bathrooms.  That’s ok too.  As long as you follow some simple rules:

Check the background first.  I tend to look in the background to see if I can read into people.  Let’s look at our first two examples.

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Dear Sir, why do you have a bottle of Nair on your sink?  Are you really into manscaping?  Do you live with female roommates?  Do you live with your Mom????  Are you actually married????  The possibilities are endless!!!

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Dear Sir, why is there a ladder in the bathroom behind you?  Are you in there fixing something?  Are you slacking off on the job to take a selfie?  Is this your pre-escape pic from the prison bathroom?  Hmmm… maybe I just have too vivid an imagination.

Make sure the bathroom is clean.  Why would you take a picture of yourself in a dirty bathroom?  If it’s your own bathroom, then that makes me think you are a slob.  If it’s a public bathroom, why wouldn’t you wait until you found a clean bathroom to take your pic?

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Graffiti can be art.  Scratches on bathroom mirrors is not art.

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Dirty mirror makes you look dirty!

Make sure your picture is centered.  The star of the picture should be you, not the urinals.  I really don’t want to see close ups of all the bathroom equipment.  Those things don’t interest me, thanks.

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Those are some nice, roomy stalls there my friend.  Congrats.  Ooh, your public restroom has a hand dryer and a soap dispenser?!?!  Awesome!

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Dude, you cut the top of your head off.  All I’ve got to look at is that shiny hand dryer and sink.  Sweet.

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Now this guy is giving me the whole view!  Changing station, door, counter, soap dispenser, trash can.  This one has it all!

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Now that’s a depressing toilet.  Look at those brick walls and sad pastel blue doors.  Boo.

Don’t take a picture in a public bathroom when someone’s trying to take a dump. That’s just rude.  You’re in there with your buddy, trying to find the perfect angle for your picture, meanwhile the guy in the back is trying to have a nice, peaceful morning poop.  You’re going to give him stress constipation, man!

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Pick a nice bathroom to take a picture of. I’ve seen so many bathroom pics on dating profiles that I’m becoming quite the bathroom connoisseur.  Some people take pics in really nice bathrooms!

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Look at that tile work!  And those color schemes!  And those mirrors!!!!  I’m going to take notes for when I redo my bathroom in the spring.

Don’t involve your innocent, little kitty into your twisted world of potty selfies.  Need I say more?

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So those are my rules for potty selfies.  Learn them and follow them.  And now I leave you with my absolute favorite bathroom selfie ever.  Enjoy it, because there are no words.

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Bad Boys, Bad Boys. Whatcha gonna do?

They say that girls like bad boys.  If that’s true then I guess I’m an exception to the rule.  I don’t like bad boys.  They don’t turn me on.  I only started liking Darryl on The Walking Dead after they showed that he had a soft side.  So when guys try to be all tough on their profiles, all I have to say is “pass”.  And I just don’t understand the offensive pictures.  What’s that supposed to show, exactly?  Ok class, cue the first slide!

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Giving yourself the finger totally takes away the lameness of taking a selfie in your car.  Yeah, totally.  You nailed it, ‘brah.

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Oh, so you’re saying your friends are idiots too?  Good to know.  Plus, you are obviously a great role model for little kids.

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Photographer: “Ok, dude.  Now put your hand in your pocket so you can look casual.  Hmmm.. something’s missing in this picture.  Oh, I know!  Flip the bird!  It’s brings the whole composition together.”

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Know how you can add that touch of class to your “fuck you” picture?  Stick your middle finger up your nose.  Voila!  Class!

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This guy must have graduated from the same school of manners as “What’s your ass up to” and “Turd Burglar”.

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Are you going to tell me that you didn’t notice the guy doing that gesture in the background of your picture?  Please.  Way to slip that one in.  No pun intended.

The lesson learned today is that if you don’t want to come over as a complete douche, put your hands down.  And your pants up.  But that’s another post for another day 😛

Let’s Get Serious

The original purpose of this blog was to entertain my friends with the silly and ridiculous things one has to go through when online dating.  It obviously will continue to have silly and ridiculous blogs.  But sometimes I’m going to have to get serious.  Women go through a lot with not just online dating, but dating in general and dealing with men in public as well.  I’m sure that this isn’t true of all men and all women.  I’m just going with my experiences.  Cue Madonna’s “What It Feels Like For a Girl” because I’m gonna show YOU what online dating is like for a girl.

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I’ve used this pic in a previous post (#9 There’s Jokes and Then There’s…) but I really needed to include it in this post as well.  This kind of joke is unacceptable.  Joking about roofies and date rape is NEVER ok.  And this is the kind of stuff that women have to put up with.  Not only do we have to deal with guys trying to roofie and rape us, we have to deal with guys who think that’s funny.  One time in college I thought I saw a guy put something in my drink and then go back to his group of buddies.  There were about 5 of them and they stood around watching me and my friends.  I couldn’t be positive that he actually put something in there but just the thought of it and then seeing him and his buddies with creepy smiles on their faces made me sick to my stomach.  Guys, try putting yourself in my shoes in that situation.  How would that make you feel?

There’s another reason why dating is treacherous for women.  According to Huffpost “At Least a Third of All Women Murdered in the U.S. Are Killed by Male Counterparts”.  (Read the article here: http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5927140?utm_hp_ref=tw).  This is one of the reasons I scrutinize profiles so much.

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This message was sent to me completely unsolicited.  Who just gives out their phone number to a complete stranger?  Not only that but straight off the bat with the sexual innuendos.  Or the not so much innuendo.  There probably are girls out there who are just as forward and send the same kind of messages.  But most guys who receive these messages don’t have to worry that the woman on the other end of the message is going to rape and kill them.  It’s just really annoying to repeatedly get messages where the guy just wants to have sex with you.  That’s not what I’m looking for, thanks.  And that’s what’s listed on my profile as well so it shouldn’t be a shock to you.

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Why is it that guys can be sexually open and not get called names, but a woman who is sexually open and adventurous is called a whore?  Or a slut?  Would you really refer to someone you want to date as a whore?  The reverse is also true.  If a woman doesn’t want to have sex with a guy or be sexually open, she’s a prude.  Or because she doesn’t openly talk about sex, she doesn’t have any sexual feelings and is just uptight.  Also, have you noticed there are really no male words for whore, slut or prude?  These words are pretty much defined as female words. Why must there be two separate rules for men and women?  It’s just like a guy who is forceful is respected while a girl who is forceful is a bitch.  Guys, stop using these words to describe women.  Girls, stop using these words against each other.  JUST STOP.

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This guy messaged me and I responded.  His next message was that he didn’t realize I was 34 and was worried that I was out of my prime.  I can’t even remember what I replied to him but his next line was saying that I needed to bring my A game. Needless to say, I stopped responding.  So he continues to message me.  There’s actually more messages that I didn’t take screen shots of.  I haven’t blocked him because he’s not being rude or anything and I’m just curious as to how long it will take for him to stop messaging him.  It’s kind of the rule of online dating that if someone doesn’t reply or stops replying, it’s because they aren’t interested.  Yet this guy keeps messaging me.  JUST STOP.

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Same thing with this guy.  You can clearly see that I have told him I am not interested.  Yet, he repeatedly messages me.  When will guys understand that no means no?  We don’t think it’s cute that you keep trying.  We won’t change our mind just because you are persistent.  JUST STOP.

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Now this guy has never messaged me.  Yet, he “visits” my profile at least once a day, sometimes more.  But because he’s never messaged me, I can’t block him.  I guess visiting a profile every day is not block-worthy.  But I find it incredibly creepy. Again, persistence will not change my mind.  What do you think you’ll accomplish looking at my profile every day?  JUST STOP.

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And another (previously posted on #11 Nicknames/Pet Names)!  As I mentioned before, this guy gave me 10 MINUTES before asking me why I didn’t answer him.  Something else guys need to realize: I don’t owe you anything.  Including an explanation as to why I didn’t answer your message.  It’s my prerogative.  JUST STOP.

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 One more, just in case you thought it was only those two guys.  (Pssst!  It’s not.)

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Ok, say it with me people: I DON’T OWE YOU ANYTHING!!!  This guy messaged me both on OKC and POF.  I don’t have to give you an explanation or “tell you what a guy has to do”.  I haven’t messaged you back and it doesn’t matter which app you use, I won’t message you.  JUST STOP.

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No.  That is not the problem.  Take responsibility.  Women have no obligation to reply to you.  Let’s go over this ONE. MORE. TIME.  We owe you nothing.  If women aren’t replying to you, maybe it’s because of how you are messaging them.  JUST STOP.

This reminds me of something horrific that occurred in California this past May.  Elliot Rodger went on a shooting spree as a punishment for all the women that were never attracted to him and refused to date him.  (For more information please go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2014_Isla_Vista_killings).  I am not in any way saying the guy above is anything like Elliot Rodger.  Or any of the other guys in my posts are evil or murderers.  All I’m saying is that there is a preponderance of misogynistic men out there.  Men that feel like women are objects to be used and discarded.  Men that feel like women owe them something.  It frustrates me and sickens me.  Women are either whores, sluts or prudes.  We just can’t win when it comes to sex.  This is our culture, people.  Wake up.  Insist on changing this dogma.  This affects all women.  Your mothers, your sisters, your daughters, YOU.

What’s in a Name?

What is in a name?  Well, if you are online dating, a screen name can reveal a lot about a person.  It is difficult sometimes to pick a screen name, especially when you’ve already tried 3 different names and they are all already taken.  I’ve been there myself.  But you really need to be careful when you finally settle on one.  There are many reasons why the name you chose might be the wrong one.  Sometimes just the profile name alone will keep me from even looking at the profile itself! Let’s take a look at some examples.

stoner

Just what I’ve been looking for!  A lonely stoner!  This guy really sounds like a catch.  420?  Yeah, that’s original.  Pot heads just looooove it.  Thanks for reminding me that what you are doing is illegal in most states.  69.  Again, how original.  Guys love to include the number 69 in their profile name.  These guys are probably the same ones that would insult me on our date and punch me in the arm to show that they are interested.  Moving on.

maybe

Is that supposed to be intriguing?  Are you trying to be all mysterious?  If you aren’t looking then why are you even on the dating site?  And why is your profile listed as “actively seeking a relationship”?  Ugh.  Make up your mind!  I hate guys who are indecisive.  Well I’ve made up my mind that I’m definitely not looking for you.  Oh, and there’s a “g” in looking, FYI.

curved

Really???  Why are guys so obsessed with their penises????  That’s really TMI and I haven’t even looked at your profile yet.  Can we at least keep some things a mystery?  At least until after the first date?

nubbinz

This makes me think you have a third nipple.  Sorry.

charmin

You’re Prince Charmin?  Does that mean you are the heir to the Charmin toilet paper fortune?  Cause that’s the only reason I’d go out with a guy who is a Tower of Silence.  How boring would it be to just sit there in complete silence?  Yeah, right.  Anybody who knows me knows it wouldn’t be complete silence.  But still, I’d rather have someone to talk with instead of someone to talk to.

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No, but you know what is dead?  People’s ability to spell.  And proof read.

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I “cincerely” hope you guys are joking.

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Let’s forget for a moment that he actually misspelled handsomely.  But can you really be handsomely hot?  I feel like you can only be one or the other, no?  Besides, I hate people who choose flattering descriptions of their looks.  Shouldn’t it be me who decides that you are handsome or hot instead of being told that you are? Oh, who are we kidding?  I can’t forget that he spelled it wrong.

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Last but not least, this one just makes me giggle every time I see it.  😛

Satan? Is that you?

As you’ve no doubt gathered from my blog, there are quite the characters in online dating.  Some of the profiles I’ll be sharing with you shortly feature some famous characters.  ***DISCLAIMER*** If you are easily offended at religious humor, you might want to skip this one.

Who knew Satan was online dating?  Well, if you have read my title page, it’s not a surprise.  I knew.  Yup.

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There he is!  At least he’s not using that tired old “Is it hot in here or is it just you?” line.  This guy brings a whole new meaning to the term “soul mate”.  But seriously Satan, it clearly says in my profile not to call me Izzy.  I could have dealt with the soul sucking.  But using a not approved nickname?  That’s just evil.

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Ah, a nice shot of your house.  I bet if this winter is as bad as I think it’s going to be, I’m going to be messaging this guy just so I can get nice and toasty.  Hell: a nice place to visit when your house is snowed in.  I’ll send you all some postcards!

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Even with the face blurred, I know exactly who this guy is.  I mean, come on.  The crown of thorns?  The stigmata?  The TOGA?  Total give away, Jesus!  Guess you just couldn’t let Satan get all the girls, huh?  But hey, I might go out with this guy.  I mean, he turns water into wine!  That’s a cheap date right there!  Although I think I’d get a little intimidated when it got to the “meet the parents” stage.  God is super hard to impress.

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Now this one throws me for a loop.  You’ve got Osama Bin Laden as the Virgin Mary and then some random guy as baby Jesus.  I’m got no words.  Ok, I’ve got some words.  They’re mostly: huuuuuuhhhhh???  and WTF.  Who sees this picture on their feed and think “I want to date this guy”?  I guess you can give him points for artistic creativity?  I’m sure there’s an art gallery in some hipster part of Philly or New York with an exhibition that’s got nothing but pictures like this.  And there’s a guy standing there next to this picture.  He’s wearing a beret and glasses even though he’s got 20/20 vision.  He’s explaining to this girl that he made this picture to depict his rebellion against the government.  And cover ups.  And Jesus.  And of course, Big Brother.  Yeah.  I don’t want to date that guy.  Or Satan.  Or Jesus.  Or the corpse of Osama Bin Laden.  Or the Virgin Mary for that matter.

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