Dating is Hell

…and I've already heard Satan's pick up line

Archive for the category “Pics”

Potty Selfie

Sorry it’s been so long between posts, my dear readers!  I’ve still got lots to blog about, I just need the time and motivation!  So without further ado, I give you the first post of the year: TOILETS!!!!

People put a lot of selfies on their dating profiles.  That’s totally ok.  Some people take those selfies in bathrooms.  That’s ok too.  As long as you follow some simple rules:

Check the background first.  I tend to look in the background to see if I can read into people.  Let’s look at our first two examples.

background 1

Dear Sir, why do you have a bottle of Nair on your sink?  Are you really into manscaping?  Do you live with female roommates?  Do you live with your Mom????  Are you actually married????  The possibilities are endless!!!

fixing something 1

Dear Sir, why is there a ladder in the bathroom behind you?  Are you in there fixing something?  Are you slacking off on the job to take a selfie?  Is this your pre-escape pic from the prison bathroom?  Hmmm… maybe I just have too vivid an imagination.

Make sure the bathroom is clean.  Why would you take a picture of yourself in a dirty bathroom?  If it’s your own bathroom, then that makes me think you are a slob.  If it’s a public bathroom, why wouldn’t you wait until you found a clean bathroom to take your pic?

 dirty 1 dirty 3

Graffiti can be art.  Scratches on bathroom mirrors is not art.

dirty 2 dirty 4

Dirty mirror makes you look dirty!

Make sure your picture is centered.  The star of the picture should be you, not the urinals.  I really don’t want to see close ups of all the bathroom equipment.  Those things don’t interest me, thanks.

public off center 1public off center 4

Those are some nice, roomy stalls there my friend.  Congrats.  Ooh, your public restroom has a hand dryer and a soap dispenser?!?!  Awesome!

public off center 2

Dude, you cut the top of your head off.  All I’ve got to look at is that shiny hand dryer and sink.  Sweet.

public off center 3

Now this guy is giving me the whole view!  Changing station, door, counter, soap dispenser, trash can.  This one has it all!

public off center 5

Now that’s a depressing toilet.  Look at those brick walls and sad pastel blue doors.  Boo.

Don’t take a picture in a public bathroom when someone’s trying to take a dump. That’s just rude.  You’re in there with your buddy, trying to find the perfect angle for your picture, meanwhile the guy in the back is trying to have a nice, peaceful morning poop.  You’re going to give him stress constipation, man!

pooping 1

Pick a nice bathroom to take a picture of. I’ve seen so many bathroom pics on dating profiles that I’m becoming quite the bathroom connoisseur.  Some people take pics in really nice bathrooms!

maybe public 1 nice public 1 nice public 2

Look at that tile work!  And those color schemes!  And those mirrors!!!!  I’m going to take notes for when I redo my bathroom in the spring.

Don’t involve your innocent, little kitty into your twisted world of potty selfies.  Need I say more?

with cat

So those are my rules for potty selfies.  Learn them and follow them.  And now I leave you with my absolute favorite bathroom selfie ever.  Enjoy it, because there are no words.

best one

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Bad Boys, Bad Boys. Whatcha gonna do?

They say that girls like bad boys.  If that’s true then I guess I’m an exception to the rule.  I don’t like bad boys.  They don’t turn me on.  I only started liking Darryl on The Walking Dead after they showed that he had a soft side.  So when guys try to be all tough on their profiles, all I have to say is “pass”.  And I just don’t understand the offensive pictures.  What’s that supposed to show, exactly?  Ok class, cue the first slide!

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Giving yourself the finger totally takes away the lameness of taking a selfie in your car.  Yeah, totally.  You nailed it, ‘brah.

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Oh, so you’re saying your friends are idiots too?  Good to know.  Plus, you are obviously a great role model for little kids.

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Photographer: “Ok, dude.  Now put your hand in your pocket so you can look casual.  Hmmm.. something’s missing in this picture.  Oh, I know!  Flip the bird!  It’s brings the whole composition together.”

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Know how you can add that touch of class to your “fuck you” picture?  Stick your middle finger up your nose.  Voila!  Class!

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This guy must have graduated from the same school of manners as “What’s your ass up to” and “Turd Burglar”.

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Are you going to tell me that you didn’t notice the guy doing that gesture in the background of your picture?  Please.  Way to slip that one in.  No pun intended.

The lesson learned today is that if you don’t want to come over as a complete douche, put your hands down.  And your pants up.  But that’s another post for another day 😛

Mirror Selfie

10678661_10153424637240961_5978224105116071580_nFirst of all, this is not a standard mirror selfie.  Most people are not wearing a diaper and a pair of shoes.  The accepted form of mirror selfies is in a bathroom.  And usually includes pants.  What is going on here?  Is this a trend of workout clothes that I just haven’t heard of yet?  Is he in the featherweight division of the new U.S. Sumo wrestling team (I think they take points off for wearing shoes on the mat, btw)?  I don’t usually even look at profiles who’s main profile picture is shirtless.  Never mind shirtless and pantsless.  If you want to include a picture of yourself with your shirt off at the beach at some point in your profile, go ahead.  But making your main picture shirtless makes me think that you are only about looks and not so much about personality.  The diaper though?  That’s got mommy issues written all over it.  And I’m not touching that with a 10 foot pole.  Figuratively and literally.  

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