Dating is Hell

…and I've already heard Satan's pick up line

Am I Being Filmed for a Romantic Comedy?

This was the first guy I went out with that I met online.  Our first date went well and we quickly made plans to go out again.  It felt like I was in a movie. Like these things couldn’t possibly happen in real life. But it did. It happened to me. We had gone bowling, which was pretty fun (although I suck and always end up with a hurt wrist because I’m incapable of not twisting my wrist when throwing the ball. Arrrrrrgggg!). Afterwards we went to a bar for some darts (which I don’t suck at). A good time was being had. But then again, that’s always how it turns out in the movies, right? We walk back to his apartment. My hand in the crook of his arm, and I just can’t seem to get our steps to match up. I’m trying really hard. Pan the camera to his face, just blabbing away about god knows what. Pan the camera to my face, scrunched up in concentration. Walk a little faster, nope doesn’t help. Slow down a little. Nope. Our shoulders keep bumping as we continue to walk at this awkward, unruly pace. He appears not to notice that anything is amiss. Fast forward to making out on his couch. Ok, not bad. But then he moves down to my neck. And starts flicking his tongue back and forth like a snake! And since I’ve dealt with a lot of reptiles in my life (the animal kind, not the human kind), I can just picture it. Flicking in and out and tickling my neck. I’m trying really hard not to start giggling. And he just keeps doing it. I just can’t take it anymore. I stop him with some lame excuse about having the get up early tomorrow (yeah, girls use that line too). Unfortunately, I can’t just say my goodbyes and leave. I’m parked in a vacant lot behind his building. In Philly. And it’s 2 am. I ask him to walk me to my car. When we get there, I open my car door and throw my purse in. I turn to say goodnight and before I know it, he’s pushed me up against the car to kiss me in this grand, romantic gesture. Problem. Car door is open. I end up falling half in to the car and in the process bang the back of my head on the roof while my nose goes smashing into his cheek bone. He starts apologizing profusely as I hold the back of my head and my nose all the while chanting “Ow. Ow. Ow.” like a song. It’s then that I sense that we aren’t alone. I look over to my left to see a homeless man watching the unfolding scene with a smirk on his face. He sees me looking in his direction so he says “Oh, sorry. I was just looking for some place to pee.” End scene.  And end of that guy.


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