Dating is Hell

…and I've already heard Satan's pick up line

Potty Selfie

Sorry it’s been so long between posts, my dear readers!  I’ve still got lots to blog about, I just need the time and motivation!  So without further ado, I give you the first post of the year: TOILETS!!!!

People put a lot of selfies on their dating profiles.  That’s totally ok.  Some people take those selfies in bathrooms.  That’s ok too.  As long as you follow some simple rules:

Check the background first.  I tend to look in the background to see if I can read into people.  Let’s look at our first two examples.

background 1

Dear Sir, why do you have a bottle of Nair on your sink?  Are you really into manscaping?  Do you live with female roommates?  Do you live with your Mom????  Are you actually married????  The possibilities are endless!!!

fixing something 1

Dear Sir, why is there a ladder in the bathroom behind you?  Are you in there fixing something?  Are you slacking off on the job to take a selfie?  Is this your pre-escape pic from the prison bathroom?  Hmmm… maybe I just have too vivid an imagination.

Make sure the bathroom is clean.  Why would you take a picture of yourself in a dirty bathroom?  If it’s your own bathroom, then that makes me think you are a slob.  If it’s a public bathroom, why wouldn’t you wait until you found a clean bathroom to take your pic?

 dirty 1 dirty 3

Graffiti can be art.  Scratches on bathroom mirrors is not art.

dirty 2 dirty 4

Dirty mirror makes you look dirty!

Make sure your picture is centered.  The star of the picture should be you, not the urinals.  I really don’t want to see close ups of all the bathroom equipment.  Those things don’t interest me, thanks.

public off center 1public off center 4

Those are some nice, roomy stalls there my friend.  Congrats.  Ooh, your public restroom has a hand dryer and a soap dispenser?!?!  Awesome!

public off center 2

Dude, you cut the top of your head off.  All I’ve got to look at is that shiny hand dryer and sink.  Sweet.

public off center 3

Now this guy is giving me the whole view!  Changing station, door, counter, soap dispenser, trash can.  This one has it all!

public off center 5

Now that’s a depressing toilet.  Look at those brick walls and sad pastel blue doors.  Boo.

Don’t take a picture in a public bathroom when someone’s trying to take a dump. That’s just rude.  You’re in there with your buddy, trying to find the perfect angle for your picture, meanwhile the guy in the back is trying to have a nice, peaceful morning poop.  You’re going to give him stress constipation, man!

pooping 1

Pick a nice bathroom to take a picture of. I’ve seen so many bathroom pics on dating profiles that I’m becoming quite the bathroom connoisseur.  Some people take pics in really nice bathrooms!

maybe public 1 nice public 1 nice public 2

Look at that tile work!  And those color schemes!  And those mirrors!!!!  I’m going to take notes for when I redo my bathroom in the spring.

Don’t involve your innocent, little kitty into your twisted world of potty selfies.  Need I say more?

with cat

So those are my rules for potty selfies.  Learn them and follow them.  And now I leave you with my absolute favorite bathroom selfie ever.  Enjoy it, because there are no words.

best one

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Bad Boys, Bad Boys. Whatcha gonna do?

They say that girls like bad boys.  If that’s true then I guess I’m an exception to the rule.  I don’t like bad boys.  They don’t turn me on.  I only started liking Darryl on The Walking Dead after they showed that he had a soft side.  So when guys try to be all tough on their profiles, all I have to say is “pass”.  And I just don’t understand the offensive pictures.  What’s that supposed to show, exactly?  Ok class, cue the first slide!

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Giving yourself the finger totally takes away the lameness of taking a selfie in your car.  Yeah, totally.  You nailed it, ‘brah.

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Oh, so you’re saying your friends are idiots too?  Good to know.  Plus, you are obviously a great role model for little kids.

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Photographer: “Ok, dude.  Now put your hand in your pocket so you can look casual.  Hmmm.. something’s missing in this picture.  Oh, I know!  Flip the bird!  It’s brings the whole composition together.”

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Know how you can add that touch of class to your “fuck you” picture?  Stick your middle finger up your nose.  Voila!  Class!

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This guy must have graduated from the same school of manners as “What’s your ass up to” and “Turd Burglar”.

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Are you going to tell me that you didn’t notice the guy doing that gesture in the background of your picture?  Please.  Way to slip that one in.  No pun intended.

The lesson learned today is that if you don’t want to come over as a complete douche, put your hands down.  And your pants up.  But that’s another post for another day 😛

Story Time!

Sorry that I haven’t posted in a while.  I just haven’t been in a joking mood.  I find more and more things in online dating that are NOT funny especially the way that women are treated.  But let’s put that aside for now and let me tell you a little story.  I apologize for the lack of pictures, this was from before I started documenting this crazy journey.

I had been on OKC for several years, off and on.  Last Christmas, after a disastrous “relationship” with a guy, a friend suggested that I try POF.  So in the spirit of new beginnings, after the New Year I created a profile on there.  I started chatting with this guy and he seemed really nice.  We started talking about meeting up but after giving it some thought, I realized that I was still upset about the last guy and that this would just be rebound and I was not ready to start dating anybody.  I messaged this guy and told him that.  He messages me back, kind of angrily, asking me why I was on a dating site if I wasn’t ready to date.  I told him that I thought I was ready but when we started making plans to meet, I realized I wasn’t ready.  Obviously I didn’t purposefully lead him on.  He basically said “whatever” and that was that.

Being busy with work and whatnot, I didn’t go back to online dating for several months.  Once I did, I checked my OKC profile first and saw a message that this guy (from POF) had sent to me that said “I thought you weren’t ready to date?”.  Now, I should have known better and left it alone but for some reason, I don’t like thinking there are people out there thinking badly of me.  Well, unless I deserve it, of course 😛  So I message him back (on OKC) and tell him that it was an old profile and that I wasn’t actively using it when I told him I wasn’t ready to date.  He was very nice and pleasant and we started talking again.  A couple of days later we were chatting and I told him I was on my way out to hang out with my sister for the evening.  I got home late and noticed that he had written me a whole long story about his life.  Since it was late and I was tired, I figured that I would just reply to him in the morning.  In the middle of the night, my geriatric dog woke me up to go outside.  I let him out and while I was waiting for him to come back inside, I decided to re-read the message this guy had sent me and reply.  However, unbeknownst to me while I had been sleeping, he had messaged me again asking me what he said that made me “flake out”.  Waaaaaiiittt.  What?  I replied that I had told him that I was going out with my sister that night and that I had gotten home late and didn’t have time to read his message and reply.  Then sitting there in bed, waiting for my dog to get his little old butt back inside, I started getting angry.  One time I didn’t reply right away and he calls that flaking out?  What the hell?  All these alarms started going off in my head.  Again, a situation in which I didn’t owe this guy anything.  I had done nothing wrong.  So I messaged him again and told him that I felt insulted that he would say I flaked out after not responding ONCE, especially since I had already told him I would be busy.  I told him that it gave me a bad feeling and that I didn’t want to continue talking to him.  And then I blocked him.

Now remember, the first time I spoke with him was on POF.  The subsequent conversations and blocking were done on OKC.  A few days ago I saw that he visited my profile on POF.  Ugh.  Thankfully though, he has not contacted me.  But if he does, I’ll know better than to respond!

P.S.

Here’s EXACTLY what it’s like to be a girl.  This was a comment made on my last post.

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No matter how often women try to explain about the discrimination, the abuse, the pain, the fear, and the hate that women are subjected to in our society, a man will try to knock her down some more.  Well guess what guy?  I’d rather spend the rest of my life alone than submit myself to the likes of you.  Bring on the negative comments!

Let’s Get Serious

The original purpose of this blog was to entertain my friends with the silly and ridiculous things one has to go through when online dating.  It obviously will continue to have silly and ridiculous blogs.  But sometimes I’m going to have to get serious.  Women go through a lot with not just online dating, but dating in general and dealing with men in public as well.  I’m sure that this isn’t true of all men and all women.  I’m just going with my experiences.  Cue Madonna’s “What It Feels Like For a Girl” because I’m gonna show YOU what online dating is like for a girl.

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I’ve used this pic in a previous post (#9 There’s Jokes and Then There’s…) but I really needed to include it in this post as well.  This kind of joke is unacceptable.  Joking about roofies and date rape is NEVER ok.  And this is the kind of stuff that women have to put up with.  Not only do we have to deal with guys trying to roofie and rape us, we have to deal with guys who think that’s funny.  One time in college I thought I saw a guy put something in my drink and then go back to his group of buddies.  There were about 5 of them and they stood around watching me and my friends.  I couldn’t be positive that he actually put something in there but just the thought of it and then seeing him and his buddies with creepy smiles on their faces made me sick to my stomach.  Guys, try putting yourself in my shoes in that situation.  How would that make you feel?

There’s another reason why dating is treacherous for women.  According to Huffpost “At Least a Third of All Women Murdered in the U.S. Are Killed by Male Counterparts”.  (Read the article here: http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5927140?utm_hp_ref=tw).  This is one of the reasons I scrutinize profiles so much.

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This message was sent to me completely unsolicited.  Who just gives out their phone number to a complete stranger?  Not only that but straight off the bat with the sexual innuendos.  Or the not so much innuendo.  There probably are girls out there who are just as forward and send the same kind of messages.  But most guys who receive these messages don’t have to worry that the woman on the other end of the message is going to rape and kill them.  It’s just really annoying to repeatedly get messages where the guy just wants to have sex with you.  That’s not what I’m looking for, thanks.  And that’s what’s listed on my profile as well so it shouldn’t be a shock to you.

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Why is it that guys can be sexually open and not get called names, but a woman who is sexually open and adventurous is called a whore?  Or a slut?  Would you really refer to someone you want to date as a whore?  The reverse is also true.  If a woman doesn’t want to have sex with a guy or be sexually open, she’s a prude.  Or because she doesn’t openly talk about sex, she doesn’t have any sexual feelings and is just uptight.  Also, have you noticed there are really no male words for whore, slut or prude?  These words are pretty much defined as female words. Why must there be two separate rules for men and women?  It’s just like a guy who is forceful is respected while a girl who is forceful is a bitch.  Guys, stop using these words to describe women.  Girls, stop using these words against each other.  JUST STOP.

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This guy messaged me and I responded.  His next message was that he didn’t realize I was 34 and was worried that I was out of my prime.  I can’t even remember what I replied to him but his next line was saying that I needed to bring my A game. Needless to say, I stopped responding.  So he continues to message me.  There’s actually more messages that I didn’t take screen shots of.  I haven’t blocked him because he’s not being rude or anything and I’m just curious as to how long it will take for him to stop messaging him.  It’s kind of the rule of online dating that if someone doesn’t reply or stops replying, it’s because they aren’t interested.  Yet this guy keeps messaging me.  JUST STOP.

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Same thing with this guy.  You can clearly see that I have told him I am not interested.  Yet, he repeatedly messages me.  When will guys understand that no means no?  We don’t think it’s cute that you keep trying.  We won’t change our mind just because you are persistent.  JUST STOP.

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Now this guy has never messaged me.  Yet, he “visits” my profile at least once a day, sometimes more.  But because he’s never messaged me, I can’t block him.  I guess visiting a profile every day is not block-worthy.  But I find it incredibly creepy. Again, persistence will not change my mind.  What do you think you’ll accomplish looking at my profile every day?  JUST STOP.

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And another (previously posted on #11 Nicknames/Pet Names)!  As I mentioned before, this guy gave me 10 MINUTES before asking me why I didn’t answer him.  Something else guys need to realize: I don’t owe you anything.  Including an explanation as to why I didn’t answer your message.  It’s my prerogative.  JUST STOP.

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 One more, just in case you thought it was only those two guys.  (Pssst!  It’s not.)

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Ok, say it with me people: I DON’T OWE YOU ANYTHING!!!  This guy messaged me both on OKC and POF.  I don’t have to give you an explanation or “tell you what a guy has to do”.  I haven’t messaged you back and it doesn’t matter which app you use, I won’t message you.  JUST STOP.

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No.  That is not the problem.  Take responsibility.  Women have no obligation to reply to you.  Let’s go over this ONE. MORE. TIME.  We owe you nothing.  If women aren’t replying to you, maybe it’s because of how you are messaging them.  JUST STOP.

This reminds me of something horrific that occurred in California this past May.  Elliot Rodger went on a shooting spree as a punishment for all the women that were never attracted to him and refused to date him.  (For more information please go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2014_Isla_Vista_killings).  I am not in any way saying the guy above is anything like Elliot Rodger.  Or any of the other guys in my posts are evil or murderers.  All I’m saying is that there is a preponderance of misogynistic men out there.  Men that feel like women are objects to be used and discarded.  Men that feel like women owe them something.  It frustrates me and sickens me.  Women are either whores, sluts or prudes.  We just can’t win when it comes to sex.  This is our culture, people.  Wake up.  Insist on changing this dogma.  This affects all women.  Your mothers, your sisters, your daughters, YOU.

What’s in a Name?

What is in a name?  Well, if you are online dating, a screen name can reveal a lot about a person.  It is difficult sometimes to pick a screen name, especially when you’ve already tried 3 different names and they are all already taken.  I’ve been there myself.  But you really need to be careful when you finally settle on one.  There are many reasons why the name you chose might be the wrong one.  Sometimes just the profile name alone will keep me from even looking at the profile itself! Let’s take a look at some examples.

stoner

Just what I’ve been looking for!  A lonely stoner!  This guy really sounds like a catch.  420?  Yeah, that’s original.  Pot heads just looooove it.  Thanks for reminding me that what you are doing is illegal in most states.  69.  Again, how original.  Guys love to include the number 69 in their profile name.  These guys are probably the same ones that would insult me on our date and punch me in the arm to show that they are interested.  Moving on.

maybe

Is that supposed to be intriguing?  Are you trying to be all mysterious?  If you aren’t looking then why are you even on the dating site?  And why is your profile listed as “actively seeking a relationship”?  Ugh.  Make up your mind!  I hate guys who are indecisive.  Well I’ve made up my mind that I’m definitely not looking for you.  Oh, and there’s a “g” in looking, FYI.

curved

Really???  Why are guys so obsessed with their penises????  That’s really TMI and I haven’t even looked at your profile yet.  Can we at least keep some things a mystery?  At least until after the first date?

nubbinz

This makes me think you have a third nipple.  Sorry.

charmin

You’re Prince Charmin?  Does that mean you are the heir to the Charmin toilet paper fortune?  Cause that’s the only reason I’d go out with a guy who is a Tower of Silence.  How boring would it be to just sit there in complete silence?  Yeah, right.  Anybody who knows me knows it wouldn’t be complete silence.  But still, I’d rather have someone to talk with instead of someone to talk to.

chivlary

No, but you know what is dead?  People’s ability to spell.  And proof read.

cincere 1 cinsere 2

I “cincerely” hope you guys are joking.

handsomly

Let’s forget for a moment that he actually misspelled handsomely.  But can you really be handsomely hot?  I feel like you can only be one or the other, no?  Besides, I hate people who choose flattering descriptions of their looks.  Shouldn’t it be me who decides that you are handsome or hot instead of being told that you are? Oh, who are we kidding?  I can’t forget that he spelled it wrong.

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Last but not least, this one just makes me giggle every time I see it.  😛

Satan? Is that you?

As you’ve no doubt gathered from my blog, there are quite the characters in online dating.  Some of the profiles I’ll be sharing with you shortly feature some famous characters.  ***DISCLAIMER*** If you are easily offended at religious humor, you might want to skip this one.

Who knew Satan was online dating?  Well, if you have read my title page, it’s not a surprise.  I knew.  Yup.

feed your soul

There he is!  At least he’s not using that tired old “Is it hot in here or is it just you?” line.  This guy brings a whole new meaning to the term “soul mate”.  But seriously Satan, it clearly says in my profile not to call me Izzy.  I could have dealt with the soul sucking.  But using a not approved nickname?  That’s just evil.

black satan

Ah, a nice shot of your house.  I bet if this winter is as bad as I think it’s going to be, I’m going to be messaging this guy just so I can get nice and toasty.  Hell: a nice place to visit when your house is snowed in.  I’ll send you all some postcards!

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Even with the face blurred, I know exactly who this guy is.  I mean, come on.  The crown of thorns?  The stigmata?  The TOGA?  Total give away, Jesus!  Guess you just couldn’t let Satan get all the girls, huh?  But hey, I might go out with this guy.  I mean, he turns water into wine!  That’s a cheap date right there!  Although I think I’d get a little intimidated when it got to the “meet the parents” stage.  God is super hard to impress.

osama

Now this one throws me for a loop.  You’ve got Osama Bin Laden as the Virgin Mary and then some random guy as baby Jesus.  I’m got no words.  Ok, I’ve got some words.  They’re mostly: huuuuuuhhhhh???  and WTF.  Who sees this picture on their feed and think “I want to date this guy”?  I guess you can give him points for artistic creativity?  I’m sure there’s an art gallery in some hipster part of Philly or New York with an exhibition that’s got nothing but pictures like this.  And there’s a guy standing there next to this picture.  He’s wearing a beret and glasses even though he’s got 20/20 vision.  He’s explaining to this girl that he made this picture to depict his rebellion against the government.  And cover ups.  And Jesus.  And of course, Big Brother.  Yeah.  I don’t want to date that guy.  Or Satan.  Or Jesus.  Or the corpse of Osama Bin Laden.  Or the Virgin Mary for that matter.

Fetishism – Part 3

I honestly didn’t think that I’d have 3 posts dedicated to fetishes, let alone have an entire category for it!  Welcome to the world of online dating, ladies and gentleman!  Let’s dive right in, shall we?

dom

Hey!  I’ve actually heard of this one!!!  Although I did have to ask a friend what BDSM stood for a couple of years ago…
Is it sad that when I saw this it made me feel a little bit better because this fetish seems so much more “mainstream” to me?  Needless to say, I was less creeped out by this guy than some of the others.  And he listed “dom” as his profession.  Think it’s actually his job?!?!?!  Is there a big BDSM club out in Newark that I’m not aware of?  Don’t answer that.  Cause 99% of my readers are people I know and I DON’T want to know how you know the answer to that.  No, seriously.  Stop.

cougar

I don’t know if you’d classify this one as a fetish, per se.  Young guys that are into cougars.  I’m going to go with yes.  Either way, I’m putting it in this post and in this category so now it’s totally a fetish.  I now dub thee, “cougar fetish”!  Again, this one wasn’t that creepy to me.  Although it did piss me off.  I’m friggin 34!!!  I’m so not a cougar!  Don’t you have to be at least 40 to be considered a cougar???  I get that I’m 14 years older than this dude, but I’M NOT A COUGAR DAMMIT!  And if by some chance you are a member of the cougar chaser club and according to your rules I am a cougar, please don’t tell me.  No, seriously.  Stop.

first date

Woo hoo!  Another one I’ve heard of!  I’m on a roll here.  Ok, so 69 and threesomes.  Not that crazy and out there.  HOWEVER, he has this listed as his FIRST DATE!  This guy doesn’t waste any time, does he?  And what exactly is the first date etiquette for threesomes?  Am I supposed to bring the other guy or is he?  How embarrassing would it be if we both brought another guy.  Awkward!

urgratest

Ummm… thank you?  I’m fairly certain that this guy uses this line frequently.  I mean, it’s just too detailed to be something he just thought up while looking at my picture.  I have a feeling he’s planned it all out.  And he’s probably asked an ex-girlfriend or two to act this out for him.  But you know why I would never respond to this guy?  His profile name is urgratestfan.  I hate people who use “ur” instead of “your”.  And he misspelled greatest.  Now THAT would be my fetish.  A guy who can spell correctly!  Sign me up for that club!

daddy

This guy probably isn’t into fetishes (although seeing the amount of people I find online that have fetish leanings would suggest otherwise) but his name just creeps me out.  I really really really don’t get the whole “daddy” nickname thing.  It’s so gross.  The last thing I want to associate with someone I’m sexually attracted to is my father.  I’m not against using nicknames in the bedroom.  Just not that one.  I knew someone who used to call her boyfriend “Pappa J”.  Ewww.  This isn’t the backwoods of the Appalachian region.  Or wherever people have an Uncle Daddy and a Aunt Sister.

pregnant

What’s up with that???  I get that pregnant women can still be attractive.  I get that they can still have sex.  But I figured they’d be having sex with the guy who impregnated them, not some random dude they just met!  And is it just me or is it weird for a guy to be turned on by pregnant women in general and not just their partner who is pregnant with their child?  Is there a name for this kind of fetish?  I’m thinking if there is, it’s probably gross.  So don’t tell me.  No, seriously.  Stop.

A little while back a friend of mine shared one of my fetish blogs on her Facebook page.  Two friends mentioned Rule 34 of the Internet.  Me being who I am, I had never heard of Rule 34 before.  So a friend shared this cartoon with me:

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This brought back a memory of a get together at a friend’s house.  Actually it was the same night as “The Run In” (post #2) believe it or not.  Somehow at one point during the night someone mentioned Pterodactyl porn.  A bunch of us didn’t believe that it actually existed but thanks to the internet and smart phones, someone produced proof.  Oh yes, there is Pterodactyl porn.  But that’s not the weirdest part.  The weirdest part was that my first thought was: “but humans and Pterodactyls weren’t even around at the same time!”.  And that is pretty much the best example of how my brain works.

Tossing Out a Neg

I love Big Bang Theory.  I thoroughly enjoyed Wolowitz’ attempts to date/hook up with girls.  Being a devotee of the show, I recognize a Wolowtiz dating tactic when I see one. In one episode, Wolowitz has a theory on dating that he calls “tossing out a neg”. Here is a clip for reference (ignore the Spanish subtitles and get past his explanation of the eyepatch:

So now that I have prepared you, here is a message that I received:

chin

It didn’t work for Wolowitz, so it ain’t gonna work for you, pal!  I’m sure The Big Bang Theory was not the first show to display this “neg” tactic.  But were there any shows where they actually showed this as working?  Do guys actually sit around and come up with tactics like these?  And has anybody actually used this tactic in real life successfully?  Maybe it works on really hot girls who only ever hear compliments.  Well, guess what guy?  You’re not the first to point out my big chin and you won’t be the last.  So all I see here is an insult.  And that does not turn me on.  It’s like boys being mean to girls they like in elementary school.  Or saying inappropriate stuff like “what’s your ass up to” or calling them names like “turd burglar”. Is it just me?  Am I too sensitive?  I guess I am contradicting myself here since I don’t like being called nice pet names or rude names either…  Nah.  I have a name, boys.  Learn it.  Use it.

Nicknames/Pet Names

First off, I have to admit that I was totally schooled the other day.  Schooled in a very polite way, but schooled nonetheless.  Turns out there is a “do no evil” in the series of “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil”.  Well, damn.  I should have Googled it. Now that’s some irony right there.  But I’m willing to admit when I’m wrong as it happens so infrequently 😉  So thanks for pointing out my mistake, dear reader.  And thank you for being so nice about it and not being a jerk.  I still stand by the fact that it was a weird and creepy picture to have on your dating profile though!

Ok, now let’s get to the meat of this post.  Nicknames and pet names.  I have some rather stringent rules and beliefs when it comes to those two things.  Personally, I abhor being called Izzy by anyone other than my sister and niece.  I can’t explain why it sounds normal coming from them but wrong coming from anyone else.  I pretty much go by Iz or Isabelle.  I also dislike when strangers use pet names.  I don’t mind when people I know and love do it.  I frequently call my friends and coworkers “honey”. But total strangers?  No.  Here’s one of my absolutely least favorites:

sweetheart

Ugh.  I hate being called sweetheart.  It’s the absolute worst.  It feels condescending to me.  Like I should be a 40 some year old waitress working the late shift at a crappy diner and there’s a trucker asking for more coffee: “Can I get a refill, sweetheart?”  Nope.

princess

Unless I’ve finally achieved my dream of becoming a Disney Princess and living in Cinderella’s castle, don’t call me that.  I’m definitely NOT the girl you are looking for.

princess2

No, no I cannot.  And adding the “lol” doesn’t make it less creepy that you’ve given me 10 minutes to reply.

princess3

And again with the princess!!!!  Yes, you did text me before and no I didn’t answer you.  Get the hint!  Blocked.

Now on to this other guy.  I’ve gone on a couple of dates with him we’ve taken to calling him “Lunch Date”.  He’s very nice and funny.  The problem is that he is ALWAYS using nicknames and pet names.  It’s partly my fault that he has continued in this vein since I never told him it bothered me.  But I also didn’t realize how much he was going to use them!  And once you haven’t objected to it, it’s hard to go back and object, you know?  And how do you tell someone that what they think is being nice is actually not nice to you?  Well, here’s a breakdown of them all:
1.) Lunch Buddy
2.) Pretty Girl
3.) Ms. Isabelle
4.) Sunshine
5.) Ms. Belle
6.) Pretty Lady
7.) Sexy
8.) Ms. Isabelle (again)
9.) Lady
10.) Ms. Belle (second time)
11.) Pretty Lady (#2)
12.) Cuteness (vomit)
and finally we have:

13.) turd burglar

WHAT?!?!?!  How do we get from these sickeningly sweet pet names and nicknames to TURD BURGLAR????  I’ve never even heard of that before.  I got that message while I was on my lunch break at work and I was pretty baffled as to how to reply.  It was definitely a “what’s your ass up to” moment.  I finally replied: “uh, what?” and he said “hahahaha turd burglar, it’s funny.”  I came down from lunch and had to tell my coworkers.  None of them knew what to make of it either.  One of my co-workers Googled it (thanks again, Google!) and apparently it’s a person who interrupts you while you are pooping so that you can’t finish the job.  Oh how romantic.  What goes on in men’s brains???  At least we had a good time with it at work.  We spent the rest of the day calling each other turd burglar.  As to Lunch Date… I haven’t messaged him back yet.  I have no idea what to say.

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