Dating is Hell

…and I've already heard Satan's pick up line

Archive for the category “Dating Etiquette”

17 Oct 2014

Let’s Get Serious

The original purpose of this blog was to entertain my friends with the silly and ridiculous things one has to go through when online dating.  It obviously will continue to have silly and ridiculous blogs.  But sometimes I’m going to have to get serious.  Women go through a lot with not just online dating, but dating in general and dealing with men in public as well.  I’m sure that this isn’t true of all men and all women.  I’m just going with my experiences.  Cue Madonna’s “What It Feels Like For a Girl” because I’m gonna show YOU what online dating is like for a girl.

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I’ve used this pic in a previous post (#9 There’s Jokes and Then There’s…) but I really needed to include it in this post as well.  This kind of joke is unacceptable.  Joking about roofies and date rape is NEVER ok.  And this is the kind of stuff that women have to put up with.  Not only do we have to deal with guys trying to roofie and rape us, we have to deal with guys who think that’s funny.  One time in college I thought I saw a guy put something in my drink and then go back to his group of buddies.  There were about 5 of them and they stood around watching me and my friends.  I couldn’t be positive that he actually put something in there but just the thought of it and then seeing him and his buddies with creepy smiles on their faces made me sick to my stomach.  Guys, try putting yourself in my shoes in that situation.  How would that make you feel?

There’s another reason why dating is treacherous for women.  According to Huffpost “At Least a Third of All Women Murdered in the U.S. Are Killed by Male Counterparts”.  (Read the article here: http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5927140?utm_hp_ref=tw).  This is one of the reasons I scrutinize profiles so much.

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This message was sent to me completely unsolicited.  Who just gives out their phone number to a complete stranger?  Not only that but straight off the bat with the sexual innuendos.  Or the not so much innuendo.  There probably are girls out there who are just as forward and send the same kind of messages.  But most guys who receive these messages don’t have to worry that the woman on the other end of the message is going to rape and kill them.  It’s just really annoying to repeatedly get messages where the guy just wants to have sex with you.  That’s not what I’m looking for, thanks.  And that’s what’s listed on my profile as well so it shouldn’t be a shock to you.

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Why is it that guys can be sexually open and not get called names, but a woman who is sexually open and adventurous is called a whore?  Or a slut?  Would you really refer to someone you want to date as a whore?  The reverse is also true.  If a woman doesn’t want to have sex with a guy or be sexually open, she’s a prude.  Or because she doesn’t openly talk about sex, she doesn’t have any sexual feelings and is just uptight.  Also, have you noticed there are really no male words for whore, slut or prude?  These words are pretty much defined as female words. Why must there be two separate rules for men and women?  It’s just like a guy who is forceful is respected while a girl who is forceful is a bitch.  Guys, stop using these words to describe women.  Girls, stop using these words against each other.  JUST STOP.

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This guy messaged me and I responded.  His next message was that he didn’t realize I was 34 and was worried that I was out of my prime.  I can’t even remember what I replied to him but his next line was saying that I needed to bring my A game. Needless to say, I stopped responding.  So he continues to message me.  There’s actually more messages that I didn’t take screen shots of.  I haven’t blocked him because he’s not being rude or anything and I’m just curious as to how long it will take for him to stop messaging him.  It’s kind of the rule of online dating that if someone doesn’t reply or stops replying, it’s because they aren’t interested.  Yet this guy keeps messaging me.  JUST STOP.

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Same thing with this guy.  You can clearly see that I have told him I am not interested.  Yet, he repeatedly messages me.  When will guys understand that no means no?  We don’t think it’s cute that you keep trying.  We won’t change our mind just because you are persistent.  JUST STOP.

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Now this guy has never messaged me.  Yet, he “visits” my profile at least once a day, sometimes more.  But because he’s never messaged me, I can’t block him.  I guess visiting a profile every day is not block-worthy.  But I find it incredibly creepy. Again, persistence will not change my mind.  What do you think you’ll accomplish looking at my profile every day?  JUST STOP.

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And another (previously posted on #11 Nicknames/Pet Names)!  As I mentioned before, this guy gave me 10 MINUTES before asking me why I didn’t answer him.  Something else guys need to realize: I don’t owe you anything.  Including an explanation as to why I didn’t answer your message.  It’s my prerogative.  JUST STOP.

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 One more, just in case you thought it was only those two guys.  (Pssst!  It’s not.)

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Ok, say it with me people: I DON’T OWE YOU ANYTHING!!!  This guy messaged me both on OKC and POF.  I don’t have to give you an explanation or “tell you what a guy has to do”.  I haven’t messaged you back and it doesn’t matter which app you use, I won’t message you.  JUST STOP.

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No.  That is not the problem.  Take responsibility.  Women have no obligation to reply to you.  Let’s go over this ONE. MORE. TIME.  We owe you nothing.  If women aren’t replying to you, maybe it’s because of how you are messaging them.  JUST STOP.

This reminds me of something horrific that occurred in California this past May.  Elliot Rodger went on a shooting spree as a punishment for all the women that were never attracted to him and refused to date him.  (For more information please go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2014_Isla_Vista_killings).  I am not in any way saying the guy above is anything like Elliot Rodger.  Or any of the other guys in my posts are evil or murderers.  All I’m saying is that there is a preponderance of misogynistic men out there.  Men that feel like women are objects to be used and discarded.  Men that feel like women owe them something.  It frustrates me and sickens me.  Women are either whores, sluts or prudes.  We just can’t win when it comes to sex.  This is our culture, people.  Wake up.  Insist on changing this dogma.  This affects all women.  Your mothers, your sisters, your daughters, YOU.

Posted in Dating Etiquette, Feminism, What It's Like for a Girl and tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment
30 Sep 2014
2 Comments

Tossing Out a Neg

I love Big Bang Theory.  I thoroughly enjoyed Wolowitz’ attempts to date/hook up with girls.  Being a devotee of the show, I recognize a Wolowtiz dating tactic when I see one. In one episode, Wolowitz has a theory on dating that he calls “tossing out a neg”. Here is a clip for reference (ignore the Spanish subtitles and get past his explanation of the eyepatch:

So now that I have prepared you, here is a message that I received:

chin

It didn’t work for Wolowitz, so it ain’t gonna work for you, pal!  I’m sure The Big Bang Theory was not the first show to display this “neg” tactic.  But were there any shows where they actually showed this as working?  Do guys actually sit around and come up with tactics like these?  And has anybody actually used this tactic in real life successfully?  Maybe it works on really hot girls who only ever hear compliments.  Well, guess what guy?  You’re not the first to point out my big chin and you won’t be the last.  So all I see here is an insult.  And that does not turn me on.  It’s like boys being mean to girls they like in elementary school.  Or saying inappropriate stuff like “what’s your ass up to” or calling them names like “turd burglar”. Is it just me?  Am I too sensitive?  I guess I am contradicting myself here since I don’t like being called nice pet names or rude names either…  Nah.  I have a name, boys.  Learn it.  Use it.

Posted in Dating Etiquette and tagged ,
27 Sep 2014

Nicknames/Pet Names

First off, I have to admit that I was totally schooled the other day.  Schooled in a very polite way, but schooled nonetheless.  Turns out there is a “do no evil” in the series of “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil”.  Well, damn.  I should have Googled it. Now that’s some irony right there.  But I’m willing to admit when I’m wrong as it happens so infrequently 😉  So thanks for pointing out my mistake, dear reader.  And thank you for being so nice about it and not being a jerk.  I still stand by the fact that it was a weird and creepy picture to have on your dating profile though!

Ok, now let’s get to the meat of this post.  Nicknames and pet names.  I have some rather stringent rules and beliefs when it comes to those two things.  Personally, I abhor being called Izzy by anyone other than my sister and niece.  I can’t explain why it sounds normal coming from them but wrong coming from anyone else.  I pretty much go by Iz or Isabelle.  I also dislike when strangers use pet names.  I don’t mind when people I know and love do it.  I frequently call my friends and coworkers “honey”. But total strangers?  No.  Here’s one of my absolutely least favorites:

sweetheart

Ugh.  I hate being called sweetheart.  It’s the absolute worst.  It feels condescending to me.  Like I should be a 40 some year old waitress working the late shift at a crappy diner and there’s a trucker asking for more coffee: “Can I get a refill, sweetheart?”  Nope.

princess

Unless I’ve finally achieved my dream of becoming a Disney Princess and living in Cinderella’s castle, don’t call me that.  I’m definitely NOT the girl you are looking for.

princess2

No, no I cannot.  And adding the “lol” doesn’t make it less creepy that you’ve given me 10 minutes to reply.

princess3

And again with the princess!!!!  Yes, you did text me before and no I didn’t answer you.  Get the hint!  Blocked.

Now on to this other guy.  I’ve gone on a couple of dates with him we’ve taken to calling him “Lunch Date”.  He’s very nice and funny.  The problem is that he is ALWAYS using nicknames and pet names.  It’s partly my fault that he has continued in this vein since I never told him it bothered me.  But I also didn’t realize how much he was going to use them!  And once you haven’t objected to it, it’s hard to go back and object, you know?  And how do you tell someone that what they think is being nice is actually not nice to you?  Well, here’s a breakdown of them all:
1.) Lunch Buddy
2.) Pretty Girl
3.) Ms. Isabelle
4.) Sunshine
5.) Ms. Belle
6.) Pretty Lady
7.) Sexy
8.) Ms. Isabelle (again)
9.) Lady
10.) Ms. Belle (second time)
11.) Pretty Lady (#2)
12.) Cuteness (vomit)
and finally we have:

13.) turd burglar

WHAT?!?!?!  How do we get from these sickeningly sweet pet names and nicknames to TURD BURGLAR????  I’ve never even heard of that before.  I got that message while I was on my lunch break at work and I was pretty baffled as to how to reply.  It was definitely a “what’s your ass up to” moment.  I finally replied: “uh, what?” and he said “hahahaha turd burglar, it’s funny.”  I came down from lunch and had to tell my coworkers.  None of them knew what to make of it either.  One of my co-workers Googled it (thanks again, Google!) and apparently it’s a person who interrupts you while you are pooping so that you can’t finish the job.  Oh how romantic.  What goes on in men’s brains???  At least we had a good time with it at work.  We spent the rest of the day calling each other turd burglar.  As to Lunch Date… I haven’t messaged him back yet.  I have no idea what to say.

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20 Sep 2014
1 Comment

There’s Jokes and Then There’s…

One of the most common desired characteristics in a partner is a sense of humor.  Or according to 90% of profiles on dating websites it is.  Therefore, it makes sense that most people try to be funny in their profile.  Or they try to put something funny as their headline to grab your attention.  Obviously, that’s the point of the headline.  Some people, however, fail miserably in the funny department.  Take this fine fella:

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Well it certainly caught my eye!  There’s two ways to look at this.  This guy thinks he’s a funny guy.  He thinks “what can I use as a headline that would be original and would make people laugh?”  Or maybe he thinks a woman would look at that and say “He likes boobies???  I have boobies!!!  It’s like we’re soul mates!!!” The problem is, he’s trying to attract WOMEN.  Not 8 year old boys.  Or maybe he is trying to attract 8 year old boys.  In which case, he’s going about it wrong.  Or not.  I can’t say for sure that there aren’t 8 year old boys on that website.  Back to my point.  You are 38.  Grow up.  Yes, women have breasts.  Congratulations on figuring that out.  You like breasts!  Congrats on that too.  Guess what?  So do most guys.  Or at least the straight ones.  Most women spend their lives trying to show men that they are more than just a pair of boobs with legs.  As a well endowed woman who grew boobs early, I know what that’s like.  I’ve been trying to get guys to look up since I was 9.  Seriously, even if you are trying to do it stealthily, we can still tell.  At least wait until we aren’t having a face to face conversation.  Ugh.  But I digress.  Sometimes the “I like boobies approach works”.  I have a friend who met his current wife while drunk at a bar holding a sign that said just that.  But I choose to think she just took pity on him.  😛

And then there’s the opposite of funny.  Check out this guy:

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Guess what genius?  Date rape and roofies are NEVER funny topics.  Especially on a dating site where women are already trying to sort the creeps from the nice guys.  This guy actually sent me a message and I couldn’t help myself, I had to reply.  I sent him a message that stated simply that date rape and roofies are not funny and that anybody who has ever been a victim of either would not appreciate being reminded of it in this way.  I expected him to message me back telling me to lighten up and that it was just a joke but surprisingly enough, he replied with an apology and said he was changing his “First Date” section right away.  He did change it.  I checked.  But really, people.  I can’t believe he thought that was appropriate or even funny. There are a lot of things you can make fun of in this world.  Rape and the perception of women as objects to be used is not one of them.  The fact that a nail polish that detects roofies in drinks even needed to be created is very sad.  I could go on and on about this topic, as it is one that I’m very passionate about but I think you guys have had enough with the heavy for one night.

Posted in Dating Etiquette and tagged ,
17 Sep 2014

Manners Matter

Frequently during the dating process I run into guys that seemed to have skipped kindergarten.  It’s like they’ve never been taught manners or politeness or just plain old being nice!  Sometimes you have to wonder if they think before speaking (or typing, for that matter).  Although, I guess it’s a good thing that they don’t because then I know early on that I don’t want to continue to interact with them!  Case in point:  I’d been chatting with this guy for several weeks.  We hadn’t met yet because he currently lives out of state but comes back to Wilmington once a month to see family.  We were planning on getting together at some point during one of his visits.  So during these weeks we’ve been chatting, getting to know each other and joking around a little.  Then today he sends me this little gem:

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I actually just sat there and stared at the screen for a minute, shocked.  Now, had this been sent to me by a close friend, I wouldn’t have even batted an eyelid and would probably have texted back something equally obnoxious.  The difference being that I know my friends, and that I know that they value me as a person.  I don’t know this guy well enough for him to talk to me that way.  I have a problem with guys treating me with disrespect.  It’s one of my biggest issues.  If I feel at all disrespected, I get super defensive.  So I type exactly what I would have said had this happened in person:

Number 1

I clearly state that I’m taken aback by his comment.  And he thinks it’s funny.  I start thinking to myself, well I wouldn’t care if a friend said that to me, so I explain to him that I think it’s something you’d say to a buddy.  You’d think that if you were interested in someone and you wanted to pursue a relationship with that someone, you’d try to not be offensive.

Number 2

He still thinks it’s funny but gives a half hearted apology.  I had nothing to say to that, so I just ignored it for the time being.  He obviously gives it some thought and messages me later saying he ‘DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING VULGAR OR INAPPROPRIATE’.  Are you kidding me?!?!?!  Would you use the word “ass” to your boss?  Would you use it in front of your little nieces or nephews?  Do you go around to people you just met and ask them what their ass is up to today?

Grocery Bagger: “How are you doing today?”
Him: “Not too bad.  How’s your ass today?”
Grocery Bagger: “…”

Number 3

At this point, I’m getting a little riled up (it’s not that hard to do, I know).  So I tell him what’s up.  Especially since he’s keeps LOLing like it’s no big deal.

Number 4

You don’t see anything POSSIBLY wrong???  At all???  Seriously, not at all???  He couldn’t have said, “I’m sorry you took it as disrespectful but that wasn’t my intention.”  Nope.  Not this guy.  So I wished him luck and sent him on his way.  Looking back, I should have known we weren’t a good match.  I mean, he had a camo hat on in one of his pics.  No guy who wears camo has ever been a good match for me.  But alas, hind-sight is 20/20.  So dear readers, what has YOUR ass been up to?

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06 Sep 2014

Pick Up Lines and Buying Drinks

I will preface this post by saying that these are my opinions and by no means the opinions of all women.  However, I feel that the majority of women would agree with me on this.  

First up: pick up lines.  I would like to go back in time and find the guy who invented pick up lines and punch him in the face.  Why can’t a guy just introduce himself?  A simple: “Hi, my name is [fill in the blank]” will impress me a hundred times more than a stupid pick up line that every woman has probably heard a million times before.  I get that approaching a stranger that you find attractive can be intimidating but trying to break the ice with a lame line doesn’t make it better.  Especially considering that the majority of those pick up lines insinuate that the woman in question will be having sex with the guy later that night.  So what you’re saying is that you either: 1.) think I’m a slut and will have sex with you or 2.) you’re hoping that I’m a slut and you want to get your point across that you’re up for having sex with me tonight.  Who gave guys permission to treat women like sexual objects without thoughts or feelings from their opening line on?  And sometimes pick up lines can get down right creepy.  A few years ago, a friend and I were at a bar when a “gentleman” old enough to be our father comes over to us.  “You girls don’t look old enough to be in here.”  I couldn’t help myself, I had to respond to that.  “So what you’re saying is that you think we are underage and because of that you are hitting on us?  Don’t you think that’s a little sick?”  The guy mumbled something and walked away.  I guess the thought of statutory rape was a turn on for him.  Unfortunately for him, it’s not a turn on for me.

Next up: sending over drinks.  Again, I get that you’re trying to break the ice.  And I have nothing against sending over a drink in and of itself.  What I do have a problem with is when the guy (or guys) send over a drink and then sit there, waiting for you to come over and say thank you.  It makes me feel like a prostitute.  Like the guy has bought me, so now I have to go over there.  No thanks.  If you want to send a drink over and then a minute later come over and introduce yourself, that’s fine (as long as you say “Hi, my name is [fill in the blank]” and not a pick up line).  But using a free drink as bait to get me to go over to you makes me feel like an object.  Oh and just because you decided to buy me a drink does not mean I owe you anything.

So let’s review folks: women are people.  Approach us and introduce yourself like you would a potential employer that you would like to impress.  Not like an object put on this earth simply for your enjoyment.

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04 Sep 2014

Some Guys Never Outgrow the “If He’s Mean to You it Means He Likes You” Mentality

I’ve been accused of coming on too strong before.  So for a while there, I decided to back off and let the guys ask me out.  I would be talking to these guys for weeks, and they either got bored or they got serious with someone else in the meantime and had to stop chatting with me.  After a guy I really liked told me he was now in an exclusive relationship with another girl, I thought: “Screw it!  Next guy I start talking to, I’m going to ask him out right away.”  That turned out not to be a great game plan either.  Surprise, surprise.  But I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Next guy comes along, we chat for a day or two.  He seems nice, I ask him out.  We make plans to meet for drinks at my favorite sushi restaurant.  When I got there, he was already sitting at the bar.  We say our hellos and he tells me he’s already ordered some food for us to share.  Most people would not get annoyed by this, however, I’m kind of a picky eater so I don’t like other people ordering for me.  I also don’t like it because it makes me feel like we’re back to before the women’s rights movement.  Dude, I can vote now.  Let me order my own food.  Geez. Anyway, we get to chatting and I ask him what he does for a living.  He pompously describes his job with the government (I don’t even remember what it was, just that he was very “I’m so cool.  I’m so important.”).  He then tells me that his sister also works for the government and that he doesn’t even know what she actually does because it’s top secret but only that “she gets very tense when she’s in a room with foreigners”.  Trying to lighten the mood I jokingly said “well it’s a good thing she’s not here because I’m actually a foreigner!”  He asks me where I’m from, and I tell him Canada.  He then proceeds to spend the next 5 minutes telling Canadian jokes.  At that point, I just turn my attention to the food and my drink.  He finally realizes that I’m not enjoying his oh-so-original humor.  (For clarity’s sake I’ve put his lines in blue and mine in green.)

“What? You don’t think that’s funny?”
“Well, after living here for 15 years, I’ve heard it all before.”
[very rudely] “You’ve lived here for 15 years?  You can’t really call yourself a Canadian then.”
[getting angry] “It’s not like I’m going around, shouting at the top of my voice that I’m Canadian and wearing a maple leaf on my shirt.  It just came up in the conversation!!!”

Silence…

He decides to change the conversation.  

“So what do you do for fun?”
“I like to read.  I like to have movie nights or game nights with my friends.”
[snorts] “THAT’S what you like to do for fun???”
[angry again] “Well what do YOU like to do for fun?”
“I play an online sustenance farming game with some friends in San Francisco.”
[What the hell does that mean?  He’s playing Farmville???] “Oh so THAT’S ok to do for fun, but not game nights and movie nights???”

Silence…

At this point, I should have just cut my losses.  But ever a glutton for punishment, I stay.  

“Something else I like to do is knit.  I’ve got a scarf in my car that I knitted.  Do you want to go see it?”
“Uh no!!!!!  Just ignore the smell of chloroform!!!”
“No, it’s not like that!  It’s just that it was too warm for me to wear the scarf into the restaurant!”

Silence…

“My friends and I had a dress up New Year’s Eve party.  I wore a top hat and tails.  Want to see pictures?”
[I can’t even be nice anymore] “No.”

We pay the bill and he walks me to my car.

“I had a good time tonight.”
[Are you kidding me????] “Well it sure was interesting.”

I get in my car and drive away.  No hug, no handshake, nothing.  I just want to get the hell out of there.  On the drive home I get a message from him:

“I meant what I said, I had a good time tonight.”
“Like I said, it was interesting.”

I’m amazed he didn’t punch me on the arm and accuse me of having cooties.

 

 

Posted in Dating Etiquette, Ridiculous Dates and tagged , | Leave a comment
03 Sep 2014
1 Comment

The Run In

I had made a new girlfriend at an existing friend’s party. We hit it off right away and she invited me to a get together a little while later. Even though she was going to be the only person I knew there, I accepted right away. When I arrived, there were about a dozen people milling about in the living room. My friend introduced me to everyone present. We were standing in somewhat of a circle. After the introductions, I addressed the room at large with a “nice to meet you”. One of the guys in the circle immediately says “We’ve already met.” I look over at him, total blank. I’m fairly certain I’ve never met this guy before. “We have?” I ask him. He says “well, sort of. We chatted on OkCupid for a little bit.” Still not ringing any bells. Everybody is just watching this interchange. “Oh? Um… and how did that turn out?” I jokingly ask. “Not well. You just stopped talking to me.” Everyone’s looking back and forth between us like they are watching a tennis match. <Nervous laugh> “Well, sorry about that. I get really busy with work and sometimes just forget to message people back.” In all seriousness, in front of all these people I just met, he says “That’s ok. You can make it up to me.” Lengthy pause. Everyone is looking at me for my response. All I can think to say is exactly what I’m thinking: “Well this is awkward.” At this time I finally remember who he is and remember that I stopped messaging him because he was just soooooo boring. Yeah, I’m not making anything up to this guy.

Throughout the night, he did not leave my side. In fact, at one point I was sitting on the couch and he sat on the floor next to it and leaned against my leg. Now, I’m not a touchy-feely person, even with people I know and love. For a relative stranger to touch me without permission is pretty much the biggest no-no. I try to move away from him as much as possible without making it seem obvious. But he just won’t let it go. He asks if I’ve seen a movie that just came out. I tell him no and he says “Maybe I can take you sometime.” I just can’t flat out say no, other people can hear our conversation! Besides, I have a hard time just saying no, I’m not interested. So I mention that I recently bought a house and just don’t have any spare money for going out. “Oh, I can pay for you!” He gleefully replies. Ugh. “Um… we’ll see.”

By the time I get home from the party and check my phone, he’s already friend requested me on Facebook. Not wanting to be mean, I accepted. I report to my friend that he friend requested me DURING the party. Apparently trying to up his romantic chances, she tells me he’s also friend requested another girl from the party at the same time. I feel so special.

A week later, he asks me to dinner. Seeing as we are finally not in a public setting, I tell him that I’m just not interested in him that way. He doesn’t reply, but he does unfriend me right away…

Posted in Dating Etiquette, Ridiculous Dates and tagged ,

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