Dating is Hell

#YesAllWomen

This post isn’t about dating or even dating sites. This is about how #YesAllWomen have been harassed by men. Please note that the hashtag is NOT yes all men. Not every man out there has harassed a woman. But it’s sad to say that the story I’m about to share happens to women all the time. Especially online. Oh, and I’m not blacking out his handle because he deserves to be called out.

This happened on an app where you can post pics that you can modify to mimic a style of painting/art. I started getting notifications that this person was liking and commenting on a lot of my pictures. I go check it out and the first one seems innocent enough:

Ok, yeah, whatever. He means it as a compliment. Next one:

At this point I’m thinking “these pics are all modified using filters!” But, whatever. He can live in his little fantasy land. Next one starts getting a little much:

But “fuck” is my favorite word so I can’t be all hypocritical about him using it. This next one, I take offense to:

Really??? You can think it all you want, but it’s rude to post that. Keep thoughts like that to yourself! And then there’s more…

This one’s a little borderline. It probably wouldn’t have bothered me as much if it hadn’t just been preceded by the “perfect tits” comment.

Ok, context. This is was a comment on a pic I had initially taken for some of my Fellow tentacle loving Slack friends. Here it is for reference:

Yes, it is a little provocative and sexy. But dude, calm yourself a little, k? Oh, and if you for one second thought “you were asking for it”, you can just go take a long walk off a short pier.

Ok, guy. Notice the comment above you. That is an acceptable compliment. Your comment is disgusting and insulting. What makes you think you can post something like that to a complete stranger? One that you’ve never even interacted with?

WTF is wrong with you?!?!? Again, this is not a compliment!!! I don’t even know you. We have not initiated any sort of relationship or flirty banter in which this would be acceptable.

You’re a disgusting pig. And also 🤬🤬🤬

Wha….. how…. HOW IS THIS OK????

That was the last comment he posted. I shudder to think what his pic would have been of. Thankfully, I will never know. Because by the time I got to this comment and went to report him, his profile had already been deleted. I can only assume he was harassing multiple women he was “in love” with.

So there you go. This is how it is for ALL WOMEN. Guys, think twice before posting stuff like that. Unless it’s someone you know AND someone you know would appreciate being spoken to like that, just don’t. Keep it to yourself. No woman deserves to be treated like that (unless she’s specifically given you permission to treat her that way – no kink shaming here). So the moral of this story is: If you’re ever unsure about whether or not your comment will be taken as an insult, check with a female friend first or JUST DON’T POST IT.

Thanks! Signed,

All Women

Bumble Fucked

Hold on tight folks.  Grab yourself a refreshment, take a potty break now because it’s gonna be a long one.  Any relatives reading this, if you don’t want to hear about some sexy time stuff (I’ll keep it vague, I promise), you might want to skip this one.  Ok, everybody ready?  Here we go….

Wow, it’s been a while!  The reason behind this lack of posts is that I took a little break from dating.  I wanted to work on myself and try to figure out how I could break the cycle of my dating assholes who treat me like shit and nice guys who I push away.  I did goof around on the dating apps to see what was out there and see what kind of matches I was getting but I wasn’t really doing anything about them.  My job kept me pretty busy so it wasn’t like I had a lot of time to devote to dating any way.  Recently I decided to put a little bit more effort into it and spending more time on Bumble.  I like Bumble the best out of the other apps but the one thing that is tricky is that you don’t get much room to write stuff about yourself.  So sometimes it’s hard to know if potential matches fit my criteria.  Which is how I started talking to MJ.  Those of you who’ve read previous posts know that I am not a kid person.  So I probably would have swiped left on his profile had he written on there that he had kids.  But he didn’t and he apparently didn’t read my profile very closely that said no kids, so we matched and I messaged him.  Right off the bat I could tell he had my kind of sense of humor.  He was witty and even a little snarky.  After one or two back and forths, I guess he went back and read my profile again and he told me he had kids and that that was probably a deal breaker.  And then the strangest thing happened…. I didn’t care!  For some reason I just had this feeling about him.  I wanted to keep talking to him.  Maybe it was because his kids were older (12 and 16), or maybe it was because of his ability to keep up with my wise cracks but I decided not to write him off.  We chatted for 3 days on the app before I asked him out.  We decided on a nice, non threatening Starbucks date for the next day.  It went really well.  We chatted and laughed for about 3 hours before I called it a night.  Right after that I gave him my cell phone number and we texted pretty much every day.  There was some flirting and he said some really sweet things that made me think he was very into me.  I asked him out a second time, and invited him to go to yoga with me and then brunch.  I was actually a little surprised when he said yes since he’d never done it before!  And not only that, he braved Black Friday weekend shoppers to go buy a pair of sweat pants since he didn’t have anything appropriate to wear!  I’m thinking “now this is a guy who’s into me.  Why else would he put in that kind of effort?”.  Yoga and brunch came and went and we had a great time.  More texting.  More flirting.  Him actually asking important questions about my life and also seeming to retain my answers.  We decide to go to dinner for our next date. He chooses to go eat sushi.  I LOVE SUSHI.  “Look at how many things we have in common?”, I’m thinking at this point.  Sushi date lasts 2.5 hours and mostly ends because the restaurant is getting ready to close and we’re getting some looks from the staff.  A couple of goodnight kisses at the end made me a little giddy.  We continued to text every day, a little more intensive flirting, a little more risqué as well.  We even talked about his sons a little bit and it didn’t scare me away.  He talked about wanting to do more yoga, so I invited him to another class and he accepted.  I was feeling very comfortable with him.  So much so that I actually invited him to my house for date #4, which was to take place before the next yoga class.  I’ve never had a date come to my house that early on in the dating process, unless we were already friends before we started dating.  The plan was to watch Christmas Vacation and I warned him that my dogs would probably want some attention and I wanted to make sure that it was ok that we were having movie night at my place.  His response?

Awwwwww!  He gets me!!!!  So he came over, we watched the movie and ate pizza.  He petted my dogs and they all got along.  I won’t go into details but there was some making out.  More giddiness ensued.  More texting, more flirting, more risqué-ing.  Two days after the dinner and 4 days before the scheduled yoga date, I asked him if he would be able to hang out afterwards to which he replied, “I can chill afterwards, my day is wide open”.  We texted some more and he was talking about going to his weekly poker game that night.  I made mention of… something… and he replied that he would be playing poker “completely distracted all night long.”  Things are going well.  I’m in the “honeymoon” phase at the start of a relationship.  When everything seems good, you’re happy, excited, can’t wait to see them again.  He gets home from poker, tells me he lost but still had a good time.  We say good night and I go to work the next day.  I text him something random on my lunch break but don’t hear anything back.  No biggie.  I only get a half hour break, I didn’t really expect him to reply during that short window.  As I’m leaving for work several hours later, I see that I got a text from him earlier:

Wait… what?!?!  How did we go from “sexting” (not super graphic, but still) to dumping?  I am caught completely off guard.  This felt like it came completely out of the blue.  I get that it was early on in the relationship and we didn’t say that we were exclusive, but it still came as a shock.  Things had felt very different with him.  Historically I have dated/hooked up with either guys that treated me like shit and made me beg for their attention or really nice guys that I didn’t feel very comfortable with and would push away.  This was the first time I had dated a nice guy, whom I felt comfortable with, who I didn’t have to beg for attention or savor the scraps they threw me of themselves.  I texted him back a little while later telling him that it would have been a lie if I said I wasn’t hurt and disappointed.  There was a little back and forth of non important whatevers and that was that.  It was over.  But now comes all the questions….

How did he even have time to date this other person?  Is he just that good of a multi-tasker?  Between his job and our very frequent texting, it seemed to me like he shouldn’t even have had time to date/chat with someone else.  Next thought, if he’s “obviously attracted to me”, I’m fun to hang out with, I have a great sense of humor, and I’m one of the coolest new people he’s hung out with in a long time, why is he choosing her over me?  Who is this chick?  Kendall Fucking Jenner? (Although let’s be honest, I have a way better personality than that bitch).  So maybe it’s because I didn’t have sex with him during the movie night.  Maybe he’s not as nice as I thought he was and wasn’t all about having a connection with someone and he just cared about the boning and the other girl puts out.  Or maybe the reason my house was “not only ok, but preferable” wasn’t because he wanted to meet my dogs but because he didn’t want me at his house because he already has a live in girl friend.  Or maybe it’s none of those things.  Maybe he was just lying and he lost interest.  Maybe there is no other girl and he just wanted to let me down easy in the old tradition of “it’s not you, it’s me”.

I guess we’ll never know.  But I miss having someone to text and flirt with and the thought of going back on Bumble or any of the other dating sites just depresses the fuck out of me.

Prime Time

Age is just a number, right? In the dating world, that's not really true. Or at least in my world it's not! Dating in your 20s is much different than dating in your mid to late 30s. Back in my 20s, dating was a little more fun and carefree. Did I care what he did for a living? Nope. Did I care whether or not he wanted children? Absolutely not. Did I need to know his last name? Well maybe… but not necessarily. Now it's all about: does he have a good job? Does he want children? Does he still live with roommates or <gasp> his parents?

Back in my 20s there was the false confidence of makeup, tight outfits, high heels, and alcohol. That's now been replaced with the true fears of getting older, thinking I'm no longer in my prime, my body no longer fitting into tight outfits, and no longer being able to hold my liquor. I don't even really know when all that changed. Actually, it probably changed around the time my friends started getting married. There were fewer and fewer trips to bars and clubs where all you did was exchange numbers with a hot guy and more and more of dating websites where you had to fill out a checklist of what you want. Not to mention all the birthdays that have passed since I was in the bar scene. It's "grown up" dating now. I feel like I have to know more about my potential date, more about the kids thing, and what job they have, and what their living situation is because at this age, I don't want to waste my time or someone else's. But when I see the profile of a cute guy that has similar interests but it also says "looking to settle down and start a family", I'm automatically swiping left. Then a little voice in my head scolds me because isn't that the whole point of dating? But why, exactly? Do I even want to get married? A wedding? Hell yes. A marriage? Hmmm…. maybe not. The thing with being a chronically single person is that you get used to your independence and being "selfish". Do I want to share half of my closet with someone? Not really. Do I want to share a bed with someone who moves around a lot, steals the blankets, and snores? Honestly? No. Do I want someone making noise when I want some quiet time? I'll fucking cut you. Do I want someone to have dinner ready for me when I get home after working 12-14 hours? Abso-fucking-lutely. So maybe I want a personal chef more than a husband. But then again… Do I want to have the fuzzy-butterflies in the stomach-can't stop smiling-true love? Sigh. Yeeeeaaaahhhh. I've read too many trashy romances and watched too many sappy romantic movies to not want it.

So I have a little voice in my mind telling me I shouldn't still be single. So what? Well there's also pressure from friends and family. Not totally on purpose pressure, but pressure nonetheless. When you're single in your 20s you're: having fun! Not ready to settle down! Playing the field! When you're single in your late 30s you are: dating a married man! Too picky! An old maid! A lesbian! THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD WHO IS STILL SINGLE! Some people might never have thought these things about me but others definitely have. I'm going to take a few minutes to address these:

• Dating a married man: just because you haven't heard me talking about a boyfriend or dating in general does not mean I'm dating a married man and thus cannot discuss it. There's either nothing to discuss or I just don't feel like discussing it.
• Too picky: it's possible. But I'm not giving up my independence for anything less than perfection and true love!!! (Audience groans). Ok, ok. How about imperfections I can live with and love that I think will last? Is that better?
• An old maid: I did have a whole Twitter thread with myself about how if we were in the olden days when an old maid was actually a thing, I'd be rocking it.

Truth be told, being an old maid and not having the right to vote and getting polio or the plague and being stuck in the 1800s is actually NOT better than going to a wedding sans date. The wedding in question was beautiful, the food was good, and the music was perfect. Oh, and my table totally won the dance off . Now where was I? Oh yes…

• A lesbian: seeing as how you are born gay, why is it that people only think I'm a lesbian when I'm getting a little long in the tooth but am still single? It's kind of insulting to the lesbians, don't you think? You're making it seem like only lesbians are old and unmarried. Seeing as how I know a bunch of lesbians and most of them are married, I think it's safe to say that "being single" doesn't equal "being gay". And I'd like to think that if I was gay, I'd be out and proud by now.
• THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD WHO IS SINGLE: Oh yeah. I feel this one a lot. Did you happen to catch the part in my Twitter old maid rant that my youngest cousin just got married? And that's my mom's side of the family. On my dad's side, my youngest cousin has been married for years. I also recently went to a BBQ at my best friend's house and I was literally the only single adult person there. LITERALLY. So yeah, even though I know this is far from the truth, I still feel alone being single when all my friends are married.

What conclusion can we come to? Am I ok with being alone for the rest of my life? Sometimes. Do I desperately want to get married? Sometimes. But sometimes I feel like I'm still in my prime, my biological clock is non-existent (thank god), and it's ok if I have no idea what I want. I'll figure it out eventually… or not.

Oldie But A Goodie

This story was brought up at a get together tonight so I figured I’d share it on here. Why deprive you of my funnest moments, eh? The old school way of meeting new potential love interests is the friend set up. A few years ago, one of my friends decided to play matchmaker. She invited me over to play Cards Against Humanity along with a few others, one being a guy she thought I might hit it off with. Things went ok at first and everybody was having fun. A little background information on me is important to this story so here you have it: I’m originally from Canada and my whole family is French Canadian. I only spoke French until I was eight. My family’s primary language is French. Got the picture? Ok. So it’s my turn to read a card out loud. The card includes a French man’s name. I pronounce said name in French. Potential date guy decides to “correct” my pronunciation in an extremely condescending tone. I explain to him that this is the correct way to pronounce it, and the reason that I know this, is that I speak French and am French Canadian. Not only that, but that particular name just so happens to be MY FATHER’S NAME! He then proceeds to say that being French Canadian doesn’t mean that I’m actually French and that I know how to pronounce French words. As we’ve seen in previous posts, I do not respond well to guys being mean or insulting my heritage. I may have lost my cool a little bit. I ask him if he honestly thinks that my whole family pronounces my father’s name incorrectly.  I believe that he said something along the lines of “yes” but honestly I was so angry at that point that I don’t remember. I basically told him how rude he was and that I didn’t appreciate his insulting me but that I was not going to continue to discuss it as I would only get angrier and didn’t want to do something I would regret doing at a friend’s house (I was currently having visions of climbing over the table and slapping him in the face). After a little while, jerk-guy made his excuses and left. My friend says “well that wasn’t very successful”. Understatement of the year. My friend and I have since discovered that our taste in men is quite different. And I do believe that this is the last time she will ever attempt to play matchmaker with me.

Sex and the City

Sometimes my life resembles an episode of Sex and the City.  Because of all the fancy clothes?  The brunches? The Cosmopolitans?  The shoes? The sex?  Nope. The awkward dates.  Here’s my story.

I met a guy on OKC.  He was super cute and really nice.  We made plans to meet up for Happy Hour one afternoon.  We had agreed on 5pm but at around 3:30 that afternoon he texted me to say that he was getting out of work early and wanted to know if I could make it there by 4:30 instead.  I told him that I couldn’t be there before 4:45.  He says ok and I finish up getting ready.  I finished getting ready early so I texted him and told him I could make it at 4:30 after all.  He didn’t get that text so he ended up staying at work longer.  So needless to say, I got there before him.  I saved us a table and waited.  He didn’t get there until after 5!  For a while there, I thought I had been stood up but he did text me that he was on his way.  Now, I don’t know how the rest of the world greets their online dates but I never seen to know what to do.  Do you hug?  Do you shake hands?  Do you just nod? Well, I’m not a touchy feely person and I don’t like being hugged by strangers, so I usually try to do nothing but say hello.  So when he finally got there (after I’d been sitting by myself for half an hour feeling like a loser), I did not get up to greet him.  I just said hello and made a quip about him being late.  As it turns out, we had a great time and spent about two hours on that terrace, talking.  Now here’s where it gets really awkward.  As we get ready to leave, we both stand up and this happens:

I was a good 5 inches taller than him!  I know he wasn’t expecting it either because I noticed his quick glance to my feet to check for heels.  There were no heels. I was wearing flats.  Again with the awkwardness, this time with a goodbye hug, which made it that much more obvious that I was taller than him.

I didn’t think I’d hear back from him, but I did!  I wrestled with the height issue for a little bit, but quickly got over it. We continued to chat and even went on two more dates.  But after a few more texts after the third date, he stopped messaging me.  Which is a shame because for a hot body like his, I’d have gladly traded in all my heels!  Sigh.