Dating is Hell

…and I've already heard Satan's pick up line

08 Sep 2014

Mirror Selfie

10678661_10153424637240961_5978224105116071580_nFirst of all, this is not a standard mirror selfie.  Most people are not wearing a diaper and a pair of shoes.  The accepted form of mirror selfies is in a bathroom.  And usually includes pants.  What is going on here?  Is this a trend of workout clothes that I just haven’t heard of yet?  Is he in the featherweight division of the new U.S. Sumo wrestling team (I think they take points off for wearing shoes on the mat, btw)?  I don’t usually even look at profiles who’s main profile picture is shirtless.  Never mind shirtless and pantsless.  If you want to include a picture of yourself with your shirt off at the beach at some point in your profile, go ahead.  But making your main picture shirtless makes me think that you are only about looks and not so much about personality.  The diaper though?  That’s got mommy issues written all over it.  And I’m not touching that with a 10 foot pole.  Figuratively and literally.  

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06 Sep 2014

Pick Up Lines and Buying Drinks

I will preface this post by saying that these are my opinions and by no means the opinions of all women.  However, I feel that the majority of women would agree with me on this.  

First up: pick up lines.  I would like to go back in time and find the guy who invented pick up lines and punch him in the face.  Why can’t a guy just introduce himself?  A simple: “Hi, my name is [fill in the blank]” will impress me a hundred times more than a stupid pick up line that every woman has probably heard a million times before.  I get that approaching a stranger that you find attractive can be intimidating but trying to break the ice with a lame line doesn’t make it better.  Especially considering that the majority of those pick up lines insinuate that the woman in question will be having sex with the guy later that night.  So what you’re saying is that you either: 1.) think I’m a slut and will have sex with you or 2.) you’re hoping that I’m a slut and you want to get your point across that you’re up for having sex with me tonight.  Who gave guys permission to treat women like sexual objects without thoughts or feelings from their opening line on?  And sometimes pick up lines can get down right creepy.  A few years ago, a friend and I were at a bar when a “gentleman” old enough to be our father comes over to us.  “You girls don’t look old enough to be in here.”  I couldn’t help myself, I had to respond to that.  “So what you’re saying is that you think we are underage and because of that you are hitting on us?  Don’t you think that’s a little sick?”  The guy mumbled something and walked away.  I guess the thought of statutory rape was a turn on for him.  Unfortunately for him, it’s not a turn on for me.

Next up: sending over drinks.  Again, I get that you’re trying to break the ice.  And I have nothing against sending over a drink in and of itself.  What I do have a problem with is when the guy (or guys) send over a drink and then sit there, waiting for you to come over and say thank you.  It makes me feel like a prostitute.  Like the guy has bought me, so now I have to go over there.  No thanks.  If you want to send a drink over and then a minute later come over and introduce yourself, that’s fine (as long as you say “Hi, my name is [fill in the blank]” and not a pick up line).  But using a free drink as bait to get me to go over to you makes me feel like an object.  Oh and just because you decided to buy me a drink does not mean I owe you anything.

So let’s review folks: women are people.  Approach us and introduce yourself like you would a potential employer that you would like to impress.  Not like an object put on this earth simply for your enjoyment.

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04 Sep 2014

Some Guys Never Outgrow the “If He’s Mean to You it Means He Likes You” Mentality

I’ve been accused of coming on too strong before.  So for a while there, I decided to back off and let the guys ask me out.  I would be talking to these guys for weeks, and they either got bored or they got serious with someone else in the meantime and had to stop chatting with me.  After a guy I really liked told me he was now in an exclusive relationship with another girl, I thought: “Screw it!  Next guy I start talking to, I’m going to ask him out right away.”  That turned out not to be a great game plan either.  Surprise, surprise.  But I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Next guy comes along, we chat for a day or two.  He seems nice, I ask him out.  We make plans to meet for drinks at my favorite sushi restaurant.  When I got there, he was already sitting at the bar.  We say our hellos and he tells me he’s already ordered some food for us to share.  Most people would not get annoyed by this, however, I’m kind of a picky eater so I don’t like other people ordering for me.  I also don’t like it because it makes me feel like we’re back to before the women’s rights movement.  Dude, I can vote now.  Let me order my own food.  Geez. Anyway, we get to chatting and I ask him what he does for a living.  He pompously describes his job with the government (I don’t even remember what it was, just that he was very “I’m so cool.  I’m so important.”).  He then tells me that his sister also works for the government and that he doesn’t even know what she actually does because it’s top secret but only that “she gets very tense when she’s in a room with foreigners”.  Trying to lighten the mood I jokingly said “well it’s a good thing she’s not here because I’m actually a foreigner!”  He asks me where I’m from, and I tell him Canada.  He then proceeds to spend the next 5 minutes telling Canadian jokes.  At that point, I just turn my attention to the food and my drink.  He finally realizes that I’m not enjoying his oh-so-original humor.  (For clarity’s sake I’ve put his lines in blue and mine in green.)

“What? You don’t think that’s funny?”
“Well, after living here for 15 years, I’ve heard it all before.”
[very rudely] “You’ve lived here for 15 years?  You can’t really call yourself a Canadian then.”
[getting angry] “It’s not like I’m going around, shouting at the top of my voice that I’m Canadian and wearing a maple leaf on my shirt.  It just came up in the conversation!!!”

Silence…

He decides to change the conversation.  

“So what do you do for fun?”
“I like to read.  I like to have movie nights or game nights with my friends.”
[snorts] “THAT’S what you like to do for fun???”
[angry again] “Well what do YOU like to do for fun?”
“I play an online sustenance farming game with some friends in San Francisco.”
[What the hell does that mean?  He’s playing Farmville???] “Oh so THAT’S ok to do for fun, but not game nights and movie nights???”

Silence…

At this point, I should have just cut my losses.  But ever a glutton for punishment, I stay.  

“Something else I like to do is knit.  I’ve got a scarf in my car that I knitted.  Do you want to go see it?”
“Uh no!!!!!  Just ignore the smell of chloroform!!!”
“No, it’s not like that!  It’s just that it was too warm for me to wear the scarf into the restaurant!”

Silence…

“My friends and I had a dress up New Year’s Eve party.  I wore a top hat and tails.  Want to see pictures?”
[I can’t even be nice anymore] “No.”

We pay the bill and he walks me to my car.

“I had a good time tonight.”
[Are you kidding me????] “Well it sure was interesting.”

I get in my car and drive away.  No hug, no handshake, nothing.  I just want to get the hell out of there.  On the drive home I get a message from him:

“I meant what I said, I had a good time tonight.”
“Like I said, it was interesting.”

I’m amazed he didn’t punch me on the arm and accuse me of having cooties.

 

 

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03 Sep 2014
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The Run In

I had made a new girlfriend at an existing friend’s party. We hit it off right away and she invited me to a get together a little while later. Even though she was going to be the only person I knew there, I accepted right away. When I arrived, there were about a dozen people milling about in the living room. My friend introduced me to everyone present. We were standing in somewhat of a circle. After the introductions, I addressed the room at large with a “nice to meet you”. One of the guys in the circle immediately says “We’ve already met.” I look over at him, total blank. I’m fairly certain I’ve never met this guy before. “We have?” I ask him. He says “well, sort of. We chatted on OkCupid for a little bit.” Still not ringing any bells. Everybody is just watching this interchange. “Oh? Um… and how did that turn out?” I jokingly ask. “Not well. You just stopped talking to me.” Everyone’s looking back and forth between us like they are watching a tennis match. <Nervous laugh> “Well, sorry about that. I get really busy with work and sometimes just forget to message people back.” In all seriousness, in front of all these people I just met, he says “That’s ok. You can make it up to me.” Lengthy pause. Everyone is looking at me for my response. All I can think to say is exactly what I’m thinking: “Well this is awkward.” At this time I finally remember who he is and remember that I stopped messaging him because he was just soooooo boring. Yeah, I’m not making anything up to this guy.

Throughout the night, he did not leave my side. In fact, at one point I was sitting on the couch and he sat on the floor next to it and leaned against my leg. Now, I’m not a touchy-feely person, even with people I know and love. For a relative stranger to touch me without permission is pretty much the biggest no-no. I try to move away from him as much as possible without making it seem obvious. But he just won’t let it go. He asks if I’ve seen a movie that just came out. I tell him no and he says “Maybe I can take you sometime.” I just can’t flat out say no, other people can hear our conversation! Besides, I have a hard time just saying no, I’m not interested. So I mention that I recently bought a house and just don’t have any spare money for going out. “Oh, I can pay for you!” He gleefully replies. Ugh. “Um… we’ll see.”

By the time I get home from the party and check my phone, he’s already friend requested me on Facebook. Not wanting to be mean, I accepted. I report to my friend that he friend requested me DURING the party. Apparently trying to up his romantic chances, she tells me he’s also friend requested another girl from the party at the same time. I feel so special.

A week later, he asks me to dinner. Seeing as we are finally not in a public setting, I tell him that I’m just not interested in him that way. He doesn’t reply, but he does unfriend me right away…

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02 Sep 2014

Am I Being Filmed for a Romantic Comedy?

This was the first guy I went out with that I met online.  Our first date went well and we quickly made plans to go out again.  It felt like I was in a movie. Like these things couldn’t possibly happen in real life. But it did. It happened to me. We had gone bowling, which was pretty fun (although I suck and always end up with a hurt wrist because I’m incapable of not twisting my wrist when throwing the ball. Arrrrrrgggg!). Afterwards we went to a bar for some darts (which I don’t suck at). A good time was being had. But then again, that’s always how it turns out in the movies, right? We walk back to his apartment. My hand in the crook of his arm, and I just can’t seem to get our steps to match up. I’m trying really hard. Pan the camera to his face, just blabbing away about god knows what. Pan the camera to my face, scrunched up in concentration. Walk a little faster, nope doesn’t help. Slow down a little. Nope. Our shoulders keep bumping as we continue to walk at this awkward, unruly pace. He appears not to notice that anything is amiss. Fast forward to making out on his couch. Ok, not bad. But then he moves down to my neck. And starts flicking his tongue back and forth like a snake! And since I’ve dealt with a lot of reptiles in my life (the animal kind, not the human kind), I can just picture it. Flicking in and out and tickling my neck. I’m trying really hard not to start giggling. And he just keeps doing it. I just can’t take it anymore. I stop him with some lame excuse about having the get up early tomorrow (yeah, girls use that line too). Unfortunately, I can’t just say my goodbyes and leave. I’m parked in a vacant lot behind his building. In Philly. And it’s 2 am. I ask him to walk me to my car. When we get there, I open my car door and throw my purse in. I turn to say goodnight and before I know it, he’s pushed me up against the car to kiss me in this grand, romantic gesture. Problem. Car door is open. I end up falling half in to the car and in the process bang the back of my head on the roof while my nose goes smashing into his cheek bone. He starts apologizing profusely as I hold the back of my head and my nose all the while chanting “Ow. Ow. Ow.” like a song. It’s then that I sense that we aren’t alone. I look over to my left to see a homeless man watching the unfolding scene with a smirk on his face. He sees me looking in his direction so he says “Oh, sorry. I was just looking for some place to pee.” End scene.  And end of that guy.

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