Prince Not-So-Charming
Taking the advice of friends, I decided to jump back into the dating apps after my latest dating disappointment. If I found one “good guy” whom I connected with on a dating app, it stands to reason that there are others out there, right? If there is, it’s going to take a lot of sorting through a lot of crap to find him. Let’s get started, shall we?
Now, if you ever find yourself feeling too good about yourself, might I suggest putting a profile on a dating app? Endlessly swiping right and getting little to no matches does wonderful things for your ego. I mean, if you’re not drop dead gorgeous that is. I’m sure those ladies do a lot less swiping and get a lot more matches. Or actually, they probably aren’t on the apps to begin with, right? Well, us lesser mortals get to go online to find that none of the attractive people have matched with us. Yay. Good times. Or, if your ego is still a little too prominent, there’s always the unsolicited insults and “constructive criticism” of open messaging apps like OkCupid and POF:
Thanks for the compliment! But also, go fuck yourself. And then there’s nothing quite logging in to find a message like this waiting for you:
Although I’m a little disappointed by how short this message was compared to some of the other insults I’ve gotten in the past. But hey, at least they are showing me their true colors. Because you can’t really judge a person by their profile description. For example, that lovely message from above came from this guy:
Did you catch that? Let me point out the most pertinent info:
That’s right, folks! The asshole that sent me the “moron” message is a kind, friendly, nice all around guy. He also happens to be a gentle, compassionate person who enjoys the simple things life has to offer with no head games. Obviously. Also to show how serious he is about this whole dating thing, his profile includes just this one awesome picture:
AND we’re a 74% match?!?!? Winner, winner, chicken dinner! Let’s do this!!!! Although, thinking about it, I would much rather have a guy message me two words, followed by two question marks, and then get angry at me and name calling when I don’t respond:
I’m rude and disrespectful? I gave your message the same amount of time and consideration you gave when you messaged me TWO WHOLE WORDS that didn’t even have a context. Do I really need to go over the whole “I don’t owe you anything” speech again? (In case you missed it, please go to the post titled “Let’s Get Serious).
So yes, getting dumped was not fun. I was and still am, hurt. And also yes, I have a whole blog dedicated to the hellishness that is online dating. I do, however, try to be a little more positive about it on my profiles. I don’t want to seem as if I’ve lost all hope of ever finding a partner, soul mate, roommate, bill sharer, heavy lifter, missing member of my family’s band. Who gets turned on by negative Nancies anyway? Obviously the following gentlemen did not get the memo:
Ok, I like that you used a simile here. That’s nice. At least he didn’t specifically come out and insult all women, like the following gentlemen. Maybe they are just going with some reverse psychology. Instead of saying nice things, they say super rude things! That’ll make those replies flood in!
I did not know that Trump was on a dating site! That’s exciting!
Those are my only two options??? I’m pretty sure there’s a third status that you neglected to list…
• hoe
• wife
√ not dating you
Guess I’m off the fence now, buddy. Also, it’s “your”, “you”, and “there”. If you’re going to be insulting, you might as well be grammatically accurate.
There’s just something about a guy calling a woman a cunt… I really just want to date this bitter, bitter man. I’m sure he’s very respectful and loving. P.S. anybody else find it a little ironic that this guy Stands with Planned Parenthood? Maybe he thought the PP stood for Pretty Pussies. Or Perky Pussies. He definitely thought one of those Ps stood for pussy.
For the equal opportunity haters, we’ve got the men who hate the opposite sex AND their own sex:
I… just… there are no words. Let’s move on to the next dating strategy. The “prove me wrong” type. I’m not going to lie. I’ve absolutely thought similar things about guys. I might have even tweeted similar things. But a dating profile is not where you should be putting these thoughts. It does not get you dates.
Although, he does have a point about the entrepreneur thing. Up until they changed their settings so you could write in your own profession, 90% of profiles I saw had that listed as their occupation. It made me think of Shark Tank every time. And then I’d try to decide what particular thing that individual would be pitching to the sharks. It didn’t help with my dating, but it sure made it a little more interesting to look through these profiles.
You get the picture. And I get how exhausting the whole dating profile is. I’ve changed mine a million times. How do you accurately describe yourself? How do you accurately describe the person you’re looking for? Nobody likes filling out those things. But for fuck’s sakes, put in a little effort.
Yeah, I get it. Do something constructive with your hate though, dude. Like write a blog or something. 😉 Now this next guy gives a whole new meaning to having a blah profile.
Now this next guy put some effort into his profile. He’s even got multiple pictures, and a profile title and……
Excuse me while I go vomit….
Dating is Hell 